Friday, April 18, 2008

Back to Square One

Image of the day: A Disheveled Baldwin

Dear Fans and Supporters,

It has been suggested by most of Team Seagal that I attend a week-long retreat being offered in the foothills of the Robledo Mountains, a sort of Black Mountain College for obesity sufferers. Len Kumis, an old friend and fellow overweight martial artist, is the mind behind this, and I will be traveling there with the NeoFat Team, Dr. Otix and Drahousek, Simpuk and a small staff of bearers. As the only requirement of acceptance is a weight that exceeds 600 lbs, carts will be provided. I have been told that due to the rigorous nature of the retreat (all distractions and possible hunger-triggers are strictly forbidden) internet access will be limited. I will do my best, as I always do, to keep you informed of my ever-changing body size. Thank you and good chi.


Yesterday’s Meals:

The Seagal-Busey-Gibson Petting Zoo

Side by Side:

My Weight: 709 lbs
The Baldwin Brothers: 900 lbs

Thursday, April 17, 2008


Image of the day: Jeff Speakman breaking into the F&P, CCTV footage

If I have suffered through the years, and I have, for the singularity of my artistic vision, if I was stubborn and stepped on toes to bring new and thought-provoking ideas into the world, if I was too uncompromising or too passionate, too fickle or too headstrong, and thought that the people would forgive me for it if only for the joy I brought them, I now realize that I was alone in my appreciation of my great gifts. I now know that I am hedged in by vampires, deceivers, con men and pimps, who have sadly sold me out. And if I am lying in my waterbed in my 10-man tent behind the Seagal-Busey-Gibson Petting Zoo, which I am, it isn’t only my 700-plus lbs keeping me here, it is the intense sorrow of betrayal that weighs me down. Yesterday, after careful analysis of the CCTV kitchen tapes, Team Seagal uncovered the identity of the mystery prowler who invaded my personal living space in the dead of night, the heartless swine who violated my inner sanctum, my holy of holies, my kitchen, the night of my Vesuvian weight gain, and it was none other than my long-time friend, collaborator (and the source of invaluable inspiration throughout my cinematic and musical careers), Jeff Speakman. Chatto also discovered an empty packet of Captain Gastro’s Late Night Fat Powder in the pebble garden, and it is this vile substance (and not the Tic Tac or Slimming Touch’s secret ingredient, powdered porcupine toenails) that, according to both the NeoFat people and Dr. Otix, triggered the spontaneous explosion in my fatty matter that pushed me, in one weekend, over the 700-lb mark.

And that’s not all. When I confronted Jeff with the footage last night (tell me that’s not him), he denied the whole thing, and called me a pathetic, voice-dubbed tub of lard. Enough? Not for Jeff it wasn’t. This morning he faxed a memo to the Martial Arts Screenwriters Guild, signed additionally by Lorenzo Lamas, Dolph Lungren, Jackie Chan, Jackie Chan’s brother, Louis Chan, John Claude Van Damme, Ron Marchini, Chuck Norris, and many other of my lesser-known colleagues, in which he refers to me, among many other hurtful names, as ‘a one-man traffic jam’, ‘Jabba the Hutt’s overweight brother,’ ‘an Aikido wave,’ ‘a Tibetan army’, ‘a cetacean’, which Eric tells me is taxonomical jargon for ‘whale’, ‘a synonym for fat’, ‘the man who ate the Dalai Lama’, and, the most vicious of all, ‘the Orson Welles of low quality cinema’, referring to my size not my low quality cinema. So there it is. The evidence speaks for itself. One day, I know, Jeff himself will need help and see if I’ll come to his aid then, provided that I’m mobile at the time.

Too heartbroken to eat more than 7 McRib Super Size Meals and a box of Ho-Ho’s. Only gained 2 lbs.

Yesterday’s Meals:

7 McRib Super Size Meals and a box of Ho-Ho’s

Side by Side:

My Weight: 708 ½ lbs
A boulder: 500 lbs

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


Image of the day: The Mighty Fifers for Christ, Nedley Chapter, Halloween '95

Because my accumulated mass ratio (AMR from here on out) has settled down to a mere bi-hourly gain of 1/8 lb, we’ve decided to turn the obesity alert down a notch. Must say that despite the traumatic events of the past few days I’m bubbling with chi and only wish I could do something about it that didn’t involve removing myself from my waterbed.

Chatto brought it to my attention last night when he was reviewing last week’s CCTV kitchen footage, that he had spotted an unidentified ‘form’ in the vicinity of the F&P between the hours of midnight and one o’clock (Busey sometimes crawls in through the cat door for a midnight snack so I don’t want to jump the gun on this one). We’re still examining the evidence and will let you know what we turn up tomorrow.

Otherwise, I’ve reduced my daily Super Size consumption to 4 full entrées and a Happy Meal. Didn’t think they’d appreciate this at McDonald’s but Mitch said if he’d thought of it first he would have suggested the same thing. He pointed out that for the Super Size crowd, a Happy Meal is more or less the same thing as an in-between-meal ‘snack’, and is now pushing McDonald’s to try out a variation called the Happy Snack Box. So, there you have it, even in the depths of despair creative genius works its magic.

Finally, I just wanted to apologize to the Mighty Fifers for Christ in Nedley, Utah. I won’t unfortunately be performing at their founding day revival this year, one of my usual stops. Ditto on the Subway opening in Freeburg, Missouri. Sorry folks.

Yesterday’s Meals:

4 McDonald’s Super Size Meals and a Happy Meal

Side by Side:

My Weight: 706 ½ lb

My Weight in 1976, 1978 and 1982: 720 lb

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


Image of the day: Hello from the Poshtarenku Girl's Orphanage in Moldova

Just wanted to say that, after a day of catastrophic weight gain, I have managed to reduce my hourly mass accumulation to roughly 1/8 of a pound. While Dr. Otix has made his position clear (that it was the after-dinner Tic Tac I ate last Thursday that triggered my impossibly rampant obesity), I have my doubts and have asked Drahousek to allow the NeoFat Team, who have stayed behind, to put Slimming Touch’s ‘secret ingredient’ to their own, Chinese-patented microsaturation tests. For now, I’ve moved my waterbed into a 10-man tent behind the Petting Zoo, just in case I see any sort of dramatic expansion while asleep, and have additionally requested that Simpuk stand guard over me to make sure that if I do expand beyond the maximum weight capacity of my waterbed (a difficult figure to estimate) there will be somebody there to collapse the tent and roll me to dry ground. The KWG has been relocated to the Tito Jackson Lifetime Achievements Tent.

On the bright side, I have received many thoughtful cards and well-wishing letters from my ‘true’ fans, including a group portrait of the Poshtarenku Girl’s Orphanage in Moldova (which I recently endowed with a musical fountain), an e-mail from the Pope and a lovely bouquet of mimosas from Chuck Norris. Busey even stopped by today. Have been trying to reach Speakman but can only get his houseboy, Dijit.

My meals, once the cornerstone of my dieting regimen, have been reduced to a single pathetic McDonald’s Super Size Entrée of my choice (stipulated, of course, in my contract) administered (holding a fork is tricky for me at this point) 6 times daily, though I have conscientiously reduced this to 5.

And now I have to thank Chatto for going, as always, beyond the call of duty for his Sensei. I can only hope he forgives me for eating his right pinky.

Thank you and, once again, the very best of chi,


Yesterday’s Meals:

5 McDonald’s Super Size Meals administered throughout the day by Chatto, and then Simpuk

Side by Side:

My Weight: 705 lbs

Pygmy Hippopotamus: 600 lbs

Monday, April 14, 2008


Image of the day: The Dangers of Slimming Tonics

Dear readers,

The events of the past week which led me to believe that I would see some minor weight loss in the near future have ended disastrously with a massive gain in weight so inexplicable neither Dr. Otix, Eric Schworsky, my weight management therapist, nor the whole NeoFat Team can fathom it. At 2 p.m. Saturday afternoon, following my 6th Super Size Big Mac Meal, the KWG started twitching, then rumbling. When it had finally settled down (momentarily, mind you, there’s worse to come) I had gained 3 lbs, and have been gaining steadily ever since. As of 10 a.m. this morning I officially weigh a whopping 702 lbs, the worst news for my fans, I know, since I chopped off my ponytail in ’89 and replaced it with a clip-on model. Please stay tuned, and don’t, whatever you do, believe the rumor (circulated by the Baldwin brothers of all people) that Chatto had anything to do with this. With xenophobia running so high these days, everybody’s looking for an excuse to blame it on the brown man. And besides, even if Chatto and Simpuk had been planning to use me as a ‘dirty bomb’, what are the chances of this succeeding? What would they blow up? Hollywood?

Thank you and good chi,


Thursday, April 10, 2008

In the Omega Zone: ¼ lb in 24 hours!

Image of the day: George Clooney Getting in Shape for
Cornelius Agrippa Biopic

George Clooney stopped by yesterday morning in an uproar, said Busey had stolen his manservant’s lace demithongs again. He was particularly upset about this incident since he’d been running through so many manservants these days and didn’t want to lose this one, a strapping lad from the Como Lake district. Of course, George had found me perched atop my KWG among a litter of Big Mac wrappers and French fry cartons in the dining caboose of my cart, and yet didn’t find this odd, or at least didn’t say anything about it in typical Hollywood fashion. Which brought to mind how much happier I was away from the glitter and pizzazz, nestled in my rustic surroundings with my mute but sincere four-legged friends of forest and field, and my faithful attendants. After a minute or two of chitchat, George said that I’d filled out some, that I was looking ‘puffy’. Puffy? I offered him a minor role in Genghis but, as it turns out, George is in preproduction for his own biopic of Cornelius Agrippa, and we left it at that.

And, speaking of fairweather friends, Busey hasn’t been returning my phone calls (and couldn’t have stolen George Clooney’s manservant’s thongs) because he's been hanging out with Chuck Norris on Norris’ houseboat for the better part of the month.

So, the day of reckoning is at hand. On Dr. Otix’ advice, we kept with the 13 Super Size Big Macs, only upping the ounces of Slimming Touch to 10, a lucky number in Romania, with a little bit extra of the ‘secret ingredient’ mixed in. Dr. Otix is convinced that it is this mysterious substance, for which he is currently trying to gain an EU patent, that will finally put me in the red poundage-wise. I’ve been more or less sitting atop my industrial scale for the past 24 hours, with minor Genghis duties (several dramatic close-ups and a victory pose admirably shot by Emilio Estevez on the Sony), so don’t have much else to report. Managed to remove a slipper today.

Yesterday’s Meals:

Late Breakfast
10 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, 13 Super Size Big Mac Meals, 1 tsp. “Secret Ingredient”

Early Lunch
8 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, 13 Super Size Big Mac Meals, 1 tbs. “Secret Ingredient”

8 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, 13 Super Size Big Mac Meals, 2 oz. “Secret Ingredient”, Mint Tic Tac

Side By Side:

My weight: 644 ½ lbs
Jennifer Lopez’ Mother-in-Law: 650 lbs

KWG Vigil: Lucky Number 13

Image of the day: Mr. Super Size 4 "Going for the Gold" (courtesy of McDonald's)

I’ve taken the time to write today from my KWG because, in this critical moment of imminent weight loss, when my dreams and yours are so close to fruition, I owe it to my fans. You’ve stuck by my through thick and thin, thickest and thicker, and now that I’m about to shed an ounce, I want you to be here with me to witness this miraculous moment. Unlike my so-called Hollywood ‘friends’ and ‘supporters’ (I can a name a few but won’t except for Tito Jackson who has been making Seagal fat jokes on his official website) who have abandoned me in my darkest hours (months is more like it), you have been there to share my joys (midnight snacks, periodic feasts, colonic irrigations, etc.) and sorrows. This means more to me than I can put into words, especially now that I’m teetering on the verge of a bedridden existence and the ability to touch my toes, which I managed to do yesterday, and weigh more than a Toyota Corolla.

So, here is the state of affairs as of 10 a.m. this morning. Yesterday, after shooting scene 27 of Genghis, in which I spontaneously crouched, and scene 23, when I managed to touch my toes, I carted over to the drive-thru for a late breakfast. Instead of eating somewhere on the Seagal grounds, as I usually do, I parked directly on top of the KWG. As I was a consuming my meal, 13 Big Macs (read Super Size), I noticed that the scale started behaving in a very odd way. Instead of spontaneously gaining mass poundage, my unfortunate predicament, I only gained a ¼ lb. Deducing a direct correlation between the amount of Big Mac Super Size Meals and Slimming Touch I consumed and this minimal gain, Dr. Otix had me remain on the scale and repeat the experiment 2 hours later at lunchtime with almost identical results. Except this time I only gained an 1/8 of a pound. Remarkable, don’t you think? Then, just to make sure, we did it again at dinnertime (a long time to spend parked on a scale but well worth it), and I showed absolutely no weight gain. In total, I gained ¾ of a pound the whole day. Needless to say, I’ve been confined to the scale ever since and will repeat the experiment again today. Please, please, pray for me and join me in sending negative chi to Tito Jackson. He is a cruel man with a caviar problem who would not be where he is today without my patient understanding and bi-weekly allowances.

Yesterday’s Meals:

Late Breakfast
8 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, 13 Super Size Big Mac Meals

Early Lunch
8 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, 13 Super Size Big Mac Meals

8 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, 13 Super Size Big Mac Meals

Side By Side:

My weight: 644 ¼ lbs
2 Bull Walruses and a Plate of Rice: 690 lbs

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

The Slimming Touch

Image of the day: Mr. Super Size 3 "Cruisin'" (courtesy of McDonald's)

On the wings of Slimming Touch (how else could I describe it?) I managed to crouch today! It happened spontaneously in the middle of scene 27 of Genghis in the fields behind the Petting Zoo. I had just started to zoom forth on my cart to pillage a Jurchid wedding feast and, with Dr. Otix waving from the Lifetime Achievements Tent, I just stopped the cart and stood up halfway. I couldn’t help myself, the need to move was too strong.

Emilio Estevez, who is doing all the off-location camera work, wasn’t sure whether to keep shooting, but thank God he did, because he captured a very rare and special moment. Not just for my fans, who have had justifiable doubts about my fitness to play this high-octane role, but for Team Seagal, whose morale had been lagging ever since I made the announcement that I would shoot the picture cart-bound.

Can’t say much more than that. Or can I? Indeed, I must and will.


I can’t quite believe it myself, so I’ll say it one more time: I, STEVEN SEAGAL, GAINED ONLY 32 OUNCES IN 24 HOURS!

Chatto was, of course, beside himself. Simpuk and Eric actually wept. And to think I owe it all to Dr. Otix’ Slimming Touch Tonic and McDonald’s. With all the queer dieting trends making the rounds these days, you never really know where to turn or into whose hands to put your surplus pounds. It’s just plain crazy luck that I found my path, and at just the right moment (skyrocketing towards the 700-lb mark is no joke). Still, I encourage you in your dieting endeavors, both large and small, and pray for you daily so that you too may meet with similar success and eventually see, like I have, a day of such minimal weight gain.

God bless and 32 ounces of chi to you!

Yesterday’s Meals (Note to readers— Yesterday, Mitch Lavoris, my McDonald’s man, and I decided to play around with the Super Size concept, and came up with a few new possibilities for the revival campaign, all of which fall under the Super Size rubric):

6 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, Hash Brown Forklift (don’t try this at home)

8 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, Big N Tasty Sandbox (ditto)


7 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, McDumpTruck (don’t know why everyone was so impressed with this one. You can’t really say you’re ‘eating’ a quarter ton of beef patties when you’ve got all those buns to take into consideration, and it wasn’t really a ‘dump truck’, more like a fruit truck.)

Side by Side:

My weight: 643 ½ lbs
Wooly Mammoth Fetus: 800 lbs

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Silver Dollars from Heaven

Image of the day: Mr. Super Size 2 "On the Move" (courtesy of McDonald's)

Not much time to write today. Just taking a moment to keep you current on the latest developments in the Genghis Project.

Yesterday we shot scene 74 where Genghis challenges his mortal enemy, Rusgiv Dul (played admirably by Doody Costner) to a roast pheasant eating competition. This, of course, was Dr. Otix’ idea. In this critical scene (the first in the history of cinema to pit Genghis against an enemy in a culinary context) I must devour, in a single 7-minute take, 23 roast pheasants. Due to the technical inconveniences of shooting atop my cart-cum-battle elephant, we have had to reshoot 4 times to date. Which, I should add, I wouldn’t have been able to do without Dr. Otix’ Slimming Touch Tonic. And this in itself is a second benchmark in Genghis productions: I Am Genghis Khan is the first Genghis film in which a diet tonic plays a central role in Genghis’ conquering of the known world, another Otix touch. Slimming Touch will be to Seagal what Bucephalus, Alexander’s trusty steed, was to the great Macedonian warlord, what Mao’s Lenin-autographed kleenex was to the mighty Chairman, what Napoleon’s guilt dodo feather was to the petite firebrand of Europe. I’m thrilled to have such a weapon at my disposal, a weapon that will additionally, I have every reason to believe, offer invaluable inspiration to thousands of dieters in Outer Mongolia where the film will be released in September 2009.

In other news, Drahousek, Dr. Otix’ engineer, has constructed a harness for me in the hope that I will, if it is made durable enough to support the weight of a pachyderm, lift me clear of my cart in critical battle scenes and let me fight the Jurchid hordes as Genghis originally did sometimes, standing on two feet.

And this, dear readers (I hope I can use this affectionate term), brings me to the most wonderful news of the past three months. Yesterday, I gained only 3 lbs! . . . 3 lbs! Of course, I’m entirely convinced that Slimming Touch made this possible, that and McDonald’s. According to Dr. Otix, the combination of Super Size meals and his secret herb (among the tonic’s many other nutritious ingredients) has brought about this truly remarkable development in my struggle to achieve bipedality.

I wish you the very best of chi, and as always (but particularly today) encourage you to peruse yesterday’s meals for the valuable insight they contain. And (I’m very proud of this) please enjoy Mr. Super Size 2 “On the Move”, the second still in my McDonald’s gallery.

Yesterday’s Meals:

4 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, 4 Super Size Deluxe Breakfasts, 4 Sausage McGriddles, 8 Side Orders Hotcakes with syrup and butter pats

6 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, Super Size Crispy Chicken Ranch BLT, Super Size Southern Style Crispy Chicken, Super Size Honey Mustard Snack Wrap, packet of ketchup

4 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, 2 Super Size Filet-O-Fish, 1 Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, 1 Double Quarter Pounder without Cheese, 1 Double Quarter Pounder with Extra Pickles (just for me!), 2 Double Quarter Pounders hold the onions, reduce the pickles, 3 Double Quarter Pounders with French fries inside, 3 without, Multiple McFlurries, Bag of Ketchup Packets, Bag of Salt Packets, Bag of Pickles, 4 Bags, 4 Big Macs without the buns ( . . . and only 3 lbs!)

Side by Side:

My Weight: 642 lbs
Italian Dump Truck: 1000 lbs

Monday, April 7, 2008

Mr. Super Size

Image of the day: Mr. Super Size 1 "Pool Buddies" (courtesy of McDonald's)

Feeling light on my toes today and that’s because I put on a mere 6 pounds since Saturday’s weighing. But first, my latest news. On the dieting and personal health front, I’ve stopped expanding at the astronomical rate I described on Friday. This is wonderful news for me and my intimate circle of friends and hangers-on. Dr. Otix put a stop to that with a truly remarkable dieting tonic he patented himself in Romania several years back. Needless to say, I’m off Gus’ macrosaturated microlipids for the time being. Dr. Otix ‘Slimming Touch Tonic’ contains, among many other clinically tested, feel-good ingredients: Sebor’s weed, powdered wild forest mushrooms, Romanian mahogany squash zest, essence of boiled rhubarb, asparagus flowerettes, various seeds and lichens, artemisinin, manganese, fucothin, goji juice, prickly pear extract, Polish rock salt, and a secret herb (there’s always a secret!) whose identity the doctor won’t reveal as of yet. With the tonic Dr. Otix has given me a pale rubber suit. This remarkable suit is equipped with a facemask of microtextured tubing through which a gentle stream of mercury flows at a rate perfectly equilibrated to the flow of my gastric juices. In other words, the suit ‘knows’ when I’m hungry and the mercury, a natural appetite deterrent, picks up or slackens its pace accordingly. Dr. Otix has also asked me to keep smooth metallic stones under my tongue and armpits throughout the day, though he hasn’t said why.

Second, a breakthrough endorsement. I’ve finally gotten the nod from McDonald’s to be the celebrity face for their campaign to revive the classic Super Size Meal, Mr. Super Size! Don’t know why they ever stopped but I’m happy as always to lend my name and body size to a good cause. In the next few days, I’ll be including some stills (four in all) on the blog in which you can see for yourselves the new face of Super Size dining. Very excited about this.

And last, encouraged by Dr. Otix’ presence, I went ahead and shot the first scene of I Am Genghis Khan on my Sony hand-held. While I was happy to be back in the saddle (no pun intended), therein lies the problem, or, should I say, getting off the saddle. As Gary and Eric both pointed out, there will be no problem converting my cart into a battle elephant using CGI, but then how to shoot the scenes (so many of them) when Genghis doesn’t appear on his battle elephant? The feasting scenes, for instance, when Genghis appears in his tent at the head of a fabulous spread of Mongolian delicacies, golden goblets and assorted booty? Or my romantic interludes, ten in all? Or the battle sequences when I appear not on my elephant but on two legs clashing with the ruthless Jurchids? Here, again, Dr. Otix came to the rescue. The doctor suggested I shoot all my scenes atop my battle elephant. And why not? In fact, why should I do it any other way? A whole film (and without a doubt the first film) shot from the vantage point of a battle elephant . . . It’s pure genius.

A brief explanation of Dr. Otix’ diet: Basically, the diet entails progressively larger doses of Slimming Touch Tonic. Because the tonic is so effective, it must be introduced into the body in this way. Otherwise, the doctor warned, I might just lose my appetite entirely, which would be devastating for my Super Size endorsement. As the face of its Super Size campaign, McDonald’s has expressed the wish that I eat one or more of their Super Size meals per day. Preferably just one, but the sky, as they say, is the limit. Finally, Dr. Otix has asked me to try to limit my daily meals to three because he hasn’t tested Slimming Touch’s effectiveness on daily caloric intakes increased dramatically by the regular consumption of snacks and/or periodic feasts.

Yesterday’s Meals (Unless otherwise indicated all Super Size Meals include Super Size French Fries, Super Size Salad, Super Size Soft Drink and Super Size Dessert):

3 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, Super Size Egg McSteven (they created this one just for me; there never were any Super Size breakfast items).

6 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, Super Size McRib with the works

3 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, Super Size Big Mac (had to do this at least once), Super Size Strawberry Tripple Thick Shake

Night Cap
Bottle of Tzwika (Dr. Otix, while normally a teetotaler, felt we should celebrate the first day of shooting with his favorite Romanian liquor)

Side by Side:

My Weight: 639 lbs
Baby Mountain Spruce: 1000 lbs

Friday, April 4, 2008

Further Adventures in Fat

Image of the day: Glass of Microsaturated Fat (courtesy of NeoFat)

Was in the pebble garden yesterday trying to work up a meditation following a particularly gratifying mid-morning snack when I was overcome by a feeling of indescribable bliss. It was one of those rarest of moments when time seems to stand still in the aura of my chi . . . as if the universe were a generous bathtub and I its single outsize occupant. I was immediately reminded of a line by T.S. Eliot, a spiritual forebear in so many ways, which I unfortunately can’t remember now. Paul Tofumi, the Samoan burnt custard-eating champion three years running, also came to mind. Paul once said to me at an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet in Hoboken that when he really got going, when he was past the custard itself and had entered the ‘zone’, it was as if everything around him was being drawn towards his plate. I don’t want to cheapen my singularly spiritual moment by dragging it into the vulgar arena of the edible, but I knew something very special was going to happen.

At 3:04 pm, in transit from the Pure Room to the drive-thru for my mid-afternoon snack, I began to notice a dizzy feeling in my limbs, a lightness . . . How can I describe it? . . . I felt less heavy, as if my body’s mass, and all the millions of cells and tissues of my being, were crying out at once: “I can walk again!” But it was more than that. When I weighed myself ten minutes later the crane scale showed 608 lbs. In other words, my weight (for the first time since I’d set out on this wonderful, wacky, enlightening adventure we call dieting) seemed to have stabilized!

I took a deep breath and prayed to the greatest of deceased overweight lamas, Barbet Koering of Lippenhauer, for the will power to press on to my goal, and ate 12 frosted plum teacakes in his honor. Sated for the moment, I persevered (biting my lower lip in expectation of this happiest of dieting moments) on the strength of my chi and a second light mid-afternoon snack until 4:04. By 6:04 there was no longer any doubt in my mind or anyone else’s: I was going to shed a pound!

Then disaster struck. At 9:37, as I was being clipped into the harness for a definitive 10-pm weighing (by 10 you know if the calories you’ve amassed throughout the day have conspired to burden you with additional poundage), without a prior warning bloat or the black shadow of any lurking heaviness, I suddenly expanded. Not just expanded but bulged (some say inflated) at an appalling rate. And if you have any trouble believing, or picturing, this (as I myself still do), Chatto’s testimony is revealing. My trusted houseboy remarked at the time that my gravitational force had actually “attracted two half-eaten cheesecakes, and the coffee table, into its orbit”.

Not one to put off my duties, I forged ahead, insisting that I be weighed no matter how horrible the consequences would be for the Seagal Diet Team. When the weighing was concluded 20 minutes later, the KWG showed that I was a staggering 633 lbs, meaning that I’d spontaneously amassed 25 lbs since my 4-pm weighing. Of course, I dialed the NeoFat hotline immediately but got a pre-recorded message. Restraining hot tears of grief mingled with shame, I phoned Gus directly and thank God he picked up. My condition, Gus explained (in a trembling voice) was one whose existence he had only posited for the most farfetched of theoretical cases in which the microlipids, for no apparent reason, have the opposite effect. That is, instead of microsaturating the fat tissues with healthy, cleansing lipids, they mark out the offending fat deposits but, having been beguiled by their shameless, delinquent fat cousins, are recruited, as it were, to work for the enemy. The result, according to Gus, is macrosaturation. Shaken himself, Gus will be flying out from Gila tomorrow to take fat cultures from the fattier regions of my scandalously distended person. In the meantime, he has instructed me to lie in bed (carting is out), drink plenty of non-fat fluids and keep a bicycle pump handy just in case.

Dr. Otix, who I should mention was absolutely floored by my resemblance to Genghis Khan, (and actually said that if I’d answered the door in the furry Mongol helmet I’d worn to the
Urban Justice premier in Bucharest and not wrapped in my Buddhist sheets, he would have had a heart attack right then and there, so complete was the resemblance) is convinced that edible fats aren’t the answer to my weight problem, and is currently at work on a diet formula of his own based on a careful scientific analysis of my stools, fingernail clippings and nostril hairs. Fingers, as always, are crossed.

A Slender Loris: Newest addition to
the Seagal-Busey-Gibson Petting Zoo

And, finally, just wanted to thank Dr. Otix for the latest addition to the Seagal-Busey-Gibson Petting Zoo, a darling baby slender loris. This finger-sized beauty will be going right next to Mel Gibson’s overweight, balding wallaby, donated on Tuesday.

Yesterday’s Meals (still haven’t found out how to calculate the point values on the NeoFat items so I’ve just included caloric values):

NeoCal “I Can’t Believe This Isn’t Blubber” Blubberine Omelet (2 X 2400 calories = 4800 “microsaturated” calories)

Mid-Morning Snack
Gus P’s Original “Fat” Highball, Fat and Crackers (1750 and 1025 cal= 2775 cal)

Functional Chef’s Lard Tortellini with Ultra-Microsaturated Bacon and Cream Sauce (8 X 2200 cal= 17,600 cal)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Taste Buddy’s Fat Lovers XXX-Fat Fatty Fried Fat Quiche (4 X 3100 cal = 12,400 cal)

Microlipid Gelatine, Assorted Edible Fats, 2 Glasses Microsaturated Fat (8 X 1000, 5 X 3700, 1800 X 2, respectively = 30,100 cal)

Manuel Uribe’s Doggy Bag from Wheezy Jack’s (was shocked and a bit saddened to find this under Manuel’s uneaten mattress. There were clearly 80 or so points left in it, which makes me wonder if Manuel has hidden similar caches around the house and grounds . . . 80 points)

Side by Side:

My Weight: 633 lbs

Sundowner Single Stall Horse Trailer: 1150 lbs

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Manuel Uribe Tried to Eat Me

Image of the day: Gus Papathanasopoulos, Inventor and CEO of NeoFat

Have been in a state of emotional shock for the past two days. In retrospect, I should have known this was coming but, as always, even the inevitable will catch us off-guard. Manuel attempted, in between a mid-morning and lunchtime calorie shift, to eat me. Part of me. I’m sure he thought I wouldn’t notice. Anyway, as I was saying, the Pirelli tires were the give-away, and the fact that he didn’t even bat an eye as he devoured his brand new cart. This was a man in need of serious help, a man of triumphant but masochistic appetites. And to think I’d almost let him lead me down that path.

I realize I did, as my dieting statistics indicate, ‘eat’ my spare cart parts, but I got no enjoyment from them, none at all, whereas Manuel ate a whole cart including a lazy Susan and a 1.8 cc engine with obvious relish, betraying no signs that what he was doing (eating a gift, my gift) was a serious breach of our friendship. I feel awful, drained, absolutely immobile. And, to rub salt in my wounds, I also just discovered that 11 of our original 25 piglets are missing. What disturbs me about this isn’t that Manuel ‘ate’ our pigs or threw himself a private feast but that he thought he had to go behind my back to do it. I guess I really just thought we had something special.

Of course, these horrible events have necessitated some minor adjustments to our petting zoo policy. The Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo (formerly) is now the Segal-Busey-Jackson (Tito, not Michael, though Michael retains his rights from the Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo) Petting Zoo. I have also agreed, on Tito and Gary’s insistence, to put up two additional lifetime achievement tents for my partners. Gary’s tent will be considerably smaller than mine (my achievements being without a doubt that much greater), Tito’s considerably smaller than Gary’s (Tito’s achievements being, by general consensus, non-existent).

I suppose the only comforting news to report is that my microlipids arrived by FedEx courier yesterday afternoon with apologies from Gus. He had sent my barrels to Kurt Russell, who is also apparently a user.

Otherwise, preparing the house for Dr. Otix, who will arrive (fingers crossed) this afternoon.

Finally, added a new panel at the bottom "Seagal Side by Side". I did this because I realized that since I hit the 500-lb mark it's probably been difficult for you to get an idea of my actual size. Enjoy.

Yesterday’s Meals:


Astronol, Egg Whites, NeoCal Healthy Fat “Fat” Porridge

Mid-Morning Snack
Cholesterol Tablet with Antihistamines, Platter Assorted Microsaturated Fats

Double-Wrapped Microsaturated Fat Cakes with Rice Crackers

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Prosciutto Tunnel with Microlipid Drizzle and Oregano

NeoFat Taste Buddies (incredible taste, you’ll hardly know it’s just fat), Peking Duck

After-Dinner Snack
Menudos (in honor of Manuel; I owe him at least a snack), Earth Enzymes Drain Opener

Side by side:

My Weight: 608
2008 Honda Civic: 1550 lbs.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Lost 2 Pounds!

Image of the day: Hippos Enjoying a Mud Bath

Amazing news! I shed two whole pounds yesterday and could fit into my Shinjuku robe.

April Fools!!!

Got Gary and Eric with that one; Chatto wasn’t convinced. In fact, what happened yesterday is that I hurdled over the 600-lb mark in one fierce day of tag-team calorie shifting with Manuel (see below.)

Must say that it was a quiet day at the ranch otherwise, so I don’t have much to report other than that I spent most of the day bathing in mud (a terrific new strategy so popular in Mexico we’re thinking about starting our own outfit here). Mud bathing is absolutely terrific because no matter how many hundreds of pounds you’ve put on, you feel like a featherweight once you’re chin deep in ooze. We built our mud bath right next to the Seagal Lifetime Achievement’s Tent and have named it The Bayou.

Manuel is calling me (what would I do without him?) for a second round of Who Ate My Calories? so I’m off. Enjoy yesterday’s calorie shifts.

Yesterday’s Calorie Shifts:

Breakfast (Uribe’s choice)
Eggo’s Community Pack (don’t know where Manuel found this), Tamarind Log, Crisco-marinated Pork Rinds, Crisco, Mexican Wedding Cake

Mid-Morning Snack (Seagal’s choice)
Peppered Cheddar Log, Quart Wesson, 10 lbs Cured Feta Balls, 50 Meatballs, Rubermaid Laundry Tub, 7 Quarts Alphabet Soup, Carvel Fudgie the Whale (I was obviously flexing my muscles here, but pay attention to Manuel’s next move, it’s pure genius. My countermove was, unfortunately, rubbish.)

Lunch (Uribe)
4 Pirelli Tires, Gallon Castor GTX, Income Tax

Mid-Afternoon Snack (Seagal)
Spare Cart Parts (???)

Dinner (Uribe)

Explanation of Yesterday’s Calorie Shifts:

What can I say, Manuel’s the best. Lost the last round, of course, and the round before. Will have to order Manuel a new cart.

My Weight: 602 lbs
Mitsubishi Lancer 2-door: 1,750 lbs