Friday, May 9, 2008

Donnie Osmond Stole My Sausage Roll

Image of the day: Donnie Osmond (left) and midget


After a heavy set of late-morning solitude poses in the pebble garden, I carted out to the Conveni-Mart down the block for a 'reward' (Ken was the one who gave me this idea and it's a super way to sustain long-term weight gain). Anyway, I decided on a sausage roll for my reward because I hadn't had one in a while and sausage rolls are calorie friends, so to speak. At least they're a hell of lot better than Bob's Big Boy breakfast buffets. As it turned out, I wasn't rewarded at all because Donnie Osmond (time warp, hello!) jogged in and stole my sausage roll. Not only did he steal my sausage roll but he slapped me with his sweat rag, sang a few bars from Double Lovin' and removed the battery from my cart. Had to call a tow truck. All in all, a day of limited returns.

God how the weight flies, though. The KWG tells me I'm now 803. Well, if you can't beat 'em, eat 'em, as Ken likes to say. Will see what happens next week. No more time to write as I'm due in the studio. Will sign off by saying that I've been checking out a new diet: flavor sprays. Actually, flavor sprays aren't a diet at all but they seem to be working for Patrick Swayze. Speaking of the Swayze, he's agreed to sing back-up vocals on my next album, Heavy Heavy Duty, and though he's suffering from his own weight problems (bloated calves) he still looks great in a leotard.

Yesterday's Meals:

Cuba


My Weight: 803 lbs



Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Arrested at Bob’s Big Boy

Image of the day: Bob

This is not as bad as it sounds. Chatto and I had gone out for an early morning buffet cruise in Burbank and decided rather quickly on a Bob’s Big Boy on Riverside Drive known for its generously stocked table-side cheese sauce dispensers (something not very common at Big Boy buffets).

Settling in quickly at a table by the bathroom so as to remain incognito, I made my first buffet pass at 7:35. At 8:05 on the nose (Chatto times all my passes) I returned from my third pass, and several minutes later, hit the buffet again for a fifth, and probably, final pass, when I was stopped by a Bob’s Big Boy employee named Randy and told to hand over my plate. I was shocked and refused, so Randy brought the manager, who told me that it was Big Boy policy to allow no more than eight passes at the buffet. That is to say, they were claiming I’d made seven passes when I’d only made four. It was outrageous, but things like this happen. I calmly offered them both an autographed Urban Justice key chain in exchange for a fifth, and final, pass at the buffet (a fully warranted pass according to Big Boy policy) at which point the two broke into laughter. When I revealed my true identity (I’d left my pony tail at home again), they found this even funnier than my offer of an autographed key chain, and asked me to exit my cruiser and perform a karate chop. Naturally, I refused this too, and frankly, it would have been impossible for me to exit, let alone chop. Instead, I drove right past them at full speed and helped myself to a fresh plate and proceeded to stock it up with my favorite foods and eat what I could. And the next thing I know, the boys in blue had arrived, and towed me to the station for questioning.

Sadly, no one there recognized me either, and I had to have Gary come and go my bail. The upshot of all this is that I was banned from the Riverside Drive Bob’s Big Boy, along with Chatto, who didn’t even finish his first plate. I find this appalling, not to mention racist and sizist, and am currently taking the appropriate legal action. Myron Beas is hopeful.

In lost friends and traitors news, Manuel Uribe lost 2 ounces (he’s back in Monterrey) and Tito Jackson is in rehab. I have reason to believe that the masked man skipping around my yard at night round-housing my jacarandas is Chuck Norris.

Dr. Otix, who left for Luna County, New Mexico with Drahousek on a mining expedition, hasn’t returned yet and I’m actually happy to have the house to myself. More room to be myself.

Yesterday’s Buffets:

Bob’s Big Boy: Obviously no place to buffet in peace. Anyone who’s truly interested in a humane dining experience will avoid it like the plague. As for the quality of the food, I tried the corned beef hash four times, and it was inedible each time. Ditto for the omelet station, breakfast pastries, seasonal fruits, hash browns, lamb cutlets, Canadian bacon, creamed grits, cheesy porridge, bacon, breakfast quesadillas, hotcakes, home fried potatoes, cheese blintzes,
French toast, biscuits and the slice of meatloaf left on my bench by some careless diner the night before. Though I didn’t try their coffee, I would have to say it’s probably no better.

My weight: 801 lbs


Monday, May 5, 2008

A New Me

Image of the day: Black Men with Karate Skills Don't Get Picked on in Prison

Decided to spend an extra week at the Kumis compound in the Robledos after all, and so glad I did. Feeling better than I’ve felt in months and, more importantly, I’ve learned to take things in stride, or rather, I’ve learned to laugh at myself, which is the Len Kumis Method for Long-Term Fat Loss in a nutshell. That said, I’m am a strapping, rosy-cheeked 795 (that’s not a zip code in Belgium, folks, it’s my weight!) and I’m no longer so preoccupied, or choosy, when it comes to my diet. The one thing I did learn from Len, which I couldn’t see back in my ‘Oh my Gawd I’m so fat days’, was that dieting is living and you can’t live when every time you open the F&P, you’re thinking, “What is this midnight snack going to look like on my hips?” There’s just no way. Or as Lee told us himself, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. If you can’t join ‘em, eat ‘em. If you can’t eat ‘em, then forget it, you fat tub of shit!” Anyway, like I said, I’m feeling great, I’ve got buckets of chi to burn and I’m back on schedule. Of course, I can’t fit through the kitchen door, but I’m not beating myself up for it. I’ve always wanted an open kitchen look anyway.

And, sad news from the minority thespian community, my former best man and fellow Hollywood bad man, Wesley Snipes, is doing three years in minsec lock-up. I’d always told him to go Swiss. No matter. Tax evasion isn’t the end of the world, and Wesley isn’t going to spread his buttocks for anyone. Even so, please, join me in a prayer for Wesley, and if you’re as big fans as I am, as I’m sure you are, don’t forget to send him a box of After Eight Dinner Mints (he loves them) care of the Coleman Federal Correctional Complex, Sumter County, Florida.

On the diet front, I’ve been buffet hopping in Pasadena. Yesterday’s Buffets (see below) is a comprehensive up-to-date list of the buffets I patronize on a daily basis. This new sidebar includes not only the buffets I would recommend for the laidback dieter, but also those that offer inspiration, guidance or just a break from our humdrum, calorie-cramming daily existences. Buffets that allow doggy bags are indicated with a star.

Yesterday’s Buffets:

Breakfast:
*Ayres Suites Yorba Linda: Excellent sausage links, fresh plate required with every pass.

Mid-Morning Snack:
Doggy bag

Lunch:
QQ Buffet & Grill: If you’re craving Chinese and fried foods, QQ is the place to go. Everything from orange chicken to sushi to pizza. Monday lunch is a great value at under $10.

Mid-Afternoon Snack:
*Home Town Buffet: Sheer gourmandry at its best! Over a 100 delicious items, from everyday favorites to a large variety of daily features and much more. Plus they have a separate beverages and desserts buffet at Dessert Central included in one low price. You won’t get that with most other buffets!

Dinner:
Zen Buffet: Crab Rangoon galore and Peking duck shredder at every table, highly recommended, though the plate man was a bit slow.

Late-Night Buffet:
New East Super King Buffet: A few problems with this one. The "hot" crab legs were cold and they didn't have any butter for them. They didn’t have lobster either, which was particularly frustrating since Chatto had stopped by earlier in the afternoon and asked if they served lobster every night and were told by the manager that they did. So he flat out lied to us. The rice in the sushi was completely dried out and tasted horrible and I have eaten enough sushi to know. Most of the dishes were mismarked and the raw meat that they supplied for their self-BBQ looked old. The self-BBQ concept in itself is a bad idea considering the potential heath dangers exposed raw meat left out in the open air for hours poses. I ate mine anyway. The raw shellfish were beyond dried out and the staff was totally biased against overweight customers, spending the majority of their time catering to their svelter clientele. In general, one of the worst heavy-eating experiences I’ve ever had, and no doggy bags.

My Weight: 795 lbs and gaining!