Double Doozy: Treasure Revealer Status Revoked/Attacked by Chuck Norris and Hooligans

I’ve decided to address the second of these issues first since it hits closer to home. As many of you may already know, Chuck Norris and a gang of his supporters stopped by for a showdown yesterday just after I’d just finished my laps in the pebble garden. Aided by a team of at least 20 young Vietnamese rabble-rousers in matching Chuck Norris sweatbands, Chuck, whose box office returns could fit into my portable refrigerator (let’s say my igloo), took this opportunity to show off his stuff, and pushed me, cart-bound, into the Buddhist water garden. I was deeply disturbed by Chuck’s behavior for a number of reasons. For one, he could have waited for me to make my exit from my cart. Two, he knows I need a little extra time to focus my energies these days. Three, Chatto and Banroot are sitting ducks. Four, Chuck, more than anyone, knows I’m deeply sensitive about verbal attacks on my Buddhist gods and can’t swim without my motorized raft, and five, my mobility is (at best) limited. Given the situation, when Chuck said, “Hit me, fat boy,” and pinched my ears and started to shake my cart, I couldn’t do anything more than enclose him in a circle of fear, which I hate to do and which takes (whether you believe it or not) 10 times the chi than when I was a third of my current weight. If Banroot hadn’t had the foresight to run to the kitchen and bring mousetraps (the Vietnamese are terrified of mousetraps), I have the feeling we all would have been dead. Chuck, I feel I have to add, left with all my leftovers.

About the second issue, here’s my basic dilemma concerning my Buddhist reincarnation. I never said I was God. I never said I was Chundrag Dorje. It was that lama out in Shasta, H.H. Penor Rinpoche (he eats sardines marinated in cognac) who said I was the Treasure Revealer. Still, when they make you a ‘tulku’, when they give you that status, they shouldn’t take it back. As for their reasons, their ‘claims’, when I set out on the path of enlightenment many years ago on the snow-clad mountains peaks of distant Japan, I took a vow to go the whole hog, spiritually speaking. Let me state this again for the record. I am primarily a spiritual man. My music, my acting, my philanthropy, my comic genius, my eating, these all play second fiddle to my spirituality, and I’ve had too hard a time convincing Hollywood of this to take it lightly when the religious community comes down on me like a ton of bricks with their bad chi for my ‘shameful dietary habits’.

Excuse me, I just never said I was anything but Steven Seagal, and I wish more people would realize that. I can’t do everything. I try, but I can’t, and my body size has nothing to do with it. If anything, my spirituality has increased. I apologize for the outburst, really I do, and, more importantly, I welcome you again into my kitchen to share the secrets of low-cal Mongolian dieting.

Yesterday's Meals
Breakfast
Kublai Khan Victory Breakfast (7 points)

Mid-morning snacks
“as much meat as we want” (I don’t know why the Eazel people haven’t patented this, 16 points)

Lunch
Buuz (these are savory Mongolian pastries. I had Chatto fill mine with a variety of meats but minced lamb is the best), roast lamb (7 points)

Mid-afternoon snack
Ul Boov (or ‘shoe sole cake’, usually eaten on the Buddhist New Year but what the heck. Delicious any time, 9 points).

Dinner
Mongolian Barbecue Feast for four (don’t try this at home) at the Gobi Mongolian Barbecue House on Sunset Blvd. Thank God they have a cart-friendly policy, I was absolutely stuffed (33 points)

After-dinner Snack
Chuck Norris stole my leftovers

My weight: 435 lbs