I'm On Ghanan Youtube!

Video of the day: Jean Claude Van Damme dancing compilation

Overjoyed to be back on the ranch. Feeling (and looking) less bloated, and all it took was some high altitude turbulence! Imagine that, but I must have dropped 10 lbs in gas alone on that flight. The great thing about first class on Lufthansa, though, is that you really get your money’s worth. Especially when you pay for two entire rows. Chatto and I split eight first-class meals, two and six respectively. I guess I’d really worked up an appetite at the clinic, and can’t wait to get back to some normal, old-fashioned dieting. (And my sword collection! And my F & P 7160! And all my furry little friends on the ranch!) My pectorals are still sore, and inflated, probably the Premarin, but everything else is more or less regularly corpulent. Some more great news. In my absence, my weight therapist, Eric Schworsky, was contacted by Dr. Siegal of Dr. Siegal’s cookie diet fame. And . . . I’m so excited about this . . . Dr. Siegal wants me to endorse his cookies! Can’t tell you how much this possibility means to me now that Kyushu Blue fell through. Leonardo Di Caprio (a huge blue cheese fan) is now their celebrity endorser. Kudos to you, Leonardo. I figure it’s either Siegal’s or Atkins for me now. Cookies or mass quantities of beef and fat? It’s a toss up.

One more thing that I should probably mention. Even a man of my celebrity status is allowed to get the ‘fan bug’ from time to time and I got it on the flight, and an overdose. Imagine this: I was sitting two rows down from Jean-Claude Van Damme! Which, considering that I had two rows to myself, made us more or less neighbors. Jean-Claude was traveling with his nephew, Imjo, a strapping Nigerian bodybuilder. Jean-Claude looked great. How does he do it? . . . Botox? Premarin? He was surprised that his new reality show, Beef Chop, was up for the equivalent of an Emmy in Belgium, but that’s Jean-Claude for you. I offered him a small part in my re-make of The Hustler.

The whole week at La Presse en Cordille is now behind me, like a nightmare. Only Chundrag Dorje, and his various high-calorie reincarnations, haunts me, and my stay in the B Wing (no longer rolling, Dr. Siegal’s people sent me an eight-door motorized cart minus the extra seats and doors, almost a limo as far as these things go, and I love it! Thanks, Dr. Siegal.) Meanwhile, am having Gary’s lawyer, Myron Beas, contest my bill for £20,000 sterling on the grounds that I was subject to ‘unusual and excessive harassment’ (Dr. Rangou’s ‘technicians’ put my stay in the Glycerin Tank up on Ghanan Youtube, and, believe it or not, I’m right up there with Saddam Hussein’s hanging). Speaking of Gary, we went on a squirrel hunt today (Gary’s latest hobby) and though I refused to participate on Buddhist grounds, I did manage to capture a few specimens, which are frisking in the pebble garden as I write. And, lastly, because I had the opportunity to do so, and because I ate six first-class Lufthansa meals (just try it) and was hardly in the mood to eat anything but my bed when I got home, I asked Jean-Claude Van Damme to be my Guest Dieter. Thanks for your continued support and enjoy with me this very rare honor: Jean-Claude Van Damme’s meals.

Jean-Claude Van Damme’s meals
Breakfast
Imjo on a bed of lettuce (he actually told me this)

Lunch
Bouillabaisse, lobster croquets, Camembert and stone wheat crackers, crème brulee, two bottles Piesporter Goldtröpfchen (all included in Lufthansa’s first-class meal), Imjo in the restroom

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Imjo

Dinner
Algerian ass

Midnight Snack
Ex-wife’s brother

My weight: 421 lbs