Another Taunting Letter From Chuck Norris

I thought we’d settled this ages ago, but Chuck still seems to feel that he got the short end of the stick. Let me say for the record that everybody knows Chuck’s in top shape, that’s he’s had a fine film and TV career, etc., but he can’t come to terms with the fact that on Sherdog Mixed Martial Arts Forum I have been and ALWAYS WILL BE voted the winner in any fight (weapons, no weapons, robes, no robes, etc.) in which he and I are pitted, and I wish he’d just get it through his head that my martial arts skills are superior in the minds of the fans. I wouldn’t take it so personally either, if Chuck didn’t make it so personal, and would actually feel better if he didn’t find it necessary to sign all his letters Nino Spokane (I know it’s you Chuck) or threaten Chatto and his extended family, who are actually big fans. AND (this is for you, Chuck, if you’re out there): 1) I have never ‘sat on’ any of my opponents ‘to gain the psychological advantage’. 2) I never ‘stole Sylvester Stallone’s caterer.’ 3) I never stole Dolph Lungren’s caterer (I know this is coming). 4) I never ‘paid opponents to throw bottles of beer at me and run away.' 5) I never ‘finagled my way into the graces of top Hollywood executives’ kitchen help to gain access to their refrigerators while they were away on vacation.' 6) I never threatened anyone with ‘promises that I would eat them.' 7) I never ‘criticized Gore Vidal’ or any of his books, or ‘picked a fight with Thomas Pynchon’ over ‘the length and unreadability of his novels’ or ‘his pedantic literary style.' 8) I never ‘ate my way through three months worth of alimony in a night and claimed in court that I’d been robbed by my houseboy.' 9) I have never and will never claim that ‘Jeff Speakman is a chicken shit Spic with one facial expression.’ 10) And last but not least, I NEVER went shopping at a Moldovan Big and Tall Men’s Shop and walked out empty-handed. In conclusion, Chuck, I will happily show you the bills for the sheep’s skin trench coat I purchased in Moldova (perfect fit) and will state again for the record: IF YOU ARE PREPARED FOR A SHOWDOWN (MY SKILLS AGAINST YOURS), I INVITE YOU TO MY PEBBLE GARDEN AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT (OR PREFERRABLY BEFORE THAT TIME) ON ANY NIGHT OF THE WEEK ON ANY DAY OF THE MONTH FOR A ONE-ON-ONE BOUT, 3 ROUNDS, HOUSEBOYS JUDGING.

Otherwise, on a cleansing diet in preparation for my colonic irrigation at La Presse en Cordille.
Minor setbacks: My attempts to gain support for my cause are wavering. Was ‘banned’ from several dieting and mind/body chat rooms last week. Made some friends in the Caught Masturbating in My Mother’s Bedroom Again forum at Something Awful though, and hope to continue chatting with Orgophallus and El Joshua, who said they would try to convince their colleagues in Radio Shack’s Customer Relations Department to give a look. Thanks, guys, I owe you one. And, remember, premature ejaculation isn’t something you should be so ashamed about. Just learn to pace yourselves and focus. That way you won’t run through so much Kleenex or drive up your Internet bill. Good luck.

Yesterday’s Meals
Breakfast
Lettuce (0 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Ayurveda Rejuvenating Tonic (2 points)

Lunch
Cup of tea, 300 mg Calcium Pantothenate (0 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Wakame wafers (2 points)

Dinner
Algae with Seagreens Wild Seaweed Food Capsule (1 point)

After Dinner Snack
DIY Coffee Enema (thanks again, Orgophallus!)

My weight: 384 lbs