Sued... By My Own Double!

Unbelievable news. I’m being sued by my stunt double of over two decades! The treacherous beast had the nerve to accuse me of ‘losing him work’ on the grounds that ‘anyone who looks like Steven Seagal and who has been forced (forced!) to act like Steven Seagal for the better part of two decades faces the impossible challenge of playing anyone else.’ Wait, there’s more: ‘Because I have been required to keep up with and conform to Mr. Seagal’s progressively erratic body structure, I haven’t had the option of pursuing other, svelter roles. As it is now, I am only fit to double for Mr. Seagal or Marlon Brando, and Mr. Brando is dead.’ And I taught that second-rate tub of lard everything he knows about defensive slapping and aggressive squatting! When he was landing roles like Bodyguard 1 and Angry Bouncer, I was the one that gave him free Aikido lessons so he’d be able to play ME! I was too angry to eat dinner. Meditated for 15 minutes, cleared the weeds off Toro’s gravesite.

Yesterday’s Meals
Breakfast
One serving buckwheat pancakes with 1 tbsp of unfiltered dark molasses (6 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Passed on this one, unfortunately

Lunch
Leftover swordfish with red beans and rice (5 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
1 oz. ginger candies . . . very good on the bowels (2 points)

Dinner
Another pass

Midnight Snack
Corned beef hash and grits, three servings buckwheat pancakes, Denver omelet, hash browns, eight spicy sausage links, five pieces Canadian bacon, loaf of white bread, toasted, with brick of butter and jar of apple jelly, five servings banana pudding, bottle of chocolate syrup, bag of marshmallows, bag of Twizzlers, Cotton Candy, Saltines with butterscotch sauce, Whiskas Junior, spatula, bread board, mobile phone

My Weight: 344 lbs