Sued... By My Own Double!

Unbelievable news. I’m being sued by my stunt double of over two decades! The treacherous beast had the nerve to accuse me of ‘losing him work’ on the grounds that ‘anyone who looks like Steven Seagal and who has been forced (forced!) to act like Steven Seagal for the better part of two decades faces the impossible challenge of playing anyone else.’ Wait, there’s more: ‘Because I have been required to keep up with and conform to Mr. Seagal’s progressively erratic body structure, I haven’t had the option of pursuing other, svelter roles. As it is now, I am only fit to double for Mr. Seagal or Marlon Brando, and Mr. Brando is dead.’ And I taught that second-rate tub of lard everything he knows about defensive slapping and aggressive squatting! When he was landing roles like Bodyguard 1 and Angry Bouncer, I was the one that gave him free Aikido lessons so he’d be able to play ME! I was too angry to eat dinner. Meditated for 15 minutes, cleared the weeds off Toro’s gravesite.

Yesterday’s Meals
Breakfast
One serving buckwheat pancakes with 1 tbsp of unfiltered dark molasses (6 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Passed on this one, unfortunately

Lunch
Leftover swordfish with red beans and rice (5 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
1 oz. ginger candies . . . very good on the bowels (2 points)

Dinner
Another pass

Midnight Snack
Corned beef hash and grits, three servings buckwheat pancakes, Denver omelet, hash browns, eight spicy sausage links, five pieces Canadian bacon, loaf of white bread, toasted, with brick of butter and jar of apple jelly, five servings banana pudding, bottle of chocolate syrup, bag of marshmallows, bag of Twizzlers, Cotton Candy, Saltines with butterscotch sauce, Whiskas Junior, spatula, bread board, mobile phone

My Weight: 344 lbs

Black Tuesday

The Buddhists say that a man is the sum of his personal actions. When will power is low therein lies the test, and I have to say that I’ve failed mine miserably. When I rolled out of bed at 1 o’clock yesterday afternoon I was hallucinating. My head was throbbing and my heart rate was up, and I found, after repeatedly trying to force a bowel movement, that I had absolutely no stools. Meditation failed, as did a stroll in the pebble garden. Gary was still out. I knew what had to be done, and did it, even if it violated all my principles, both as a human and a Buddhist, not to mention an animal rights activist and a friend of all God’s creatures, large and small. I only hope my honesty counts for something.

Yesterday’s Meals
Toro, boiled and served on garnish of weeds (2 points)

My Weight: 337 lbs

S.O.S.

Slept most of yesterday. Chatto has decided to take a few days off. How can I stop him? Toro is keeping his distance. I believe I’ve reached the point of no return. Purification of some kind is at hand. Awoke at midnight with a craving for a Big Mac.

My Weight: 337 lbs

Getting Desperate

Chatto has been sleeping through more and more meal times. Haven’t eaten anything solid since Saturday afternoon. Phone lines out. Stopped by Gary’s but Gary was out. Where is he? Speakman is in Bucharest shooting latest picture, Unwilling Proposition; told me via e-mail to focus energy on something else. Is he serious? My little four-legged friend, Toro, on the other hand, is prospering. He follows me everywhere. Have taken to wandering the house in boxer shorts.

Yesterday’s Meals
Cup of jasmine tea (from garden), fistful of weeds (1/2 point)

My Weight: 336 ¾ lbs

A Gift from the Gods

A day of rest and reflection yesterday. Performed sacred chants for the souls of my ancestors, minimal garden duties. The weeds have been subdued thanks to Chatto’s dedication and perseverance. Received correspondence from an orphanage in Bulgaria and from a wolf pup protection organization in Transylvania; will have Chatto look into both. And . . . a wonderful surprise! I found a little field mouse with a broken leg in the pebble garden yesterday afternoon. I patched the little fellow right back up and put on a splint. I’m going to call my new four-legged friend, Toro, after my favorite sashimi. Decided, on second thought, not to limit my diet to raw meat.

Yesterday’s meals
Breakfast
Poached eggs (4 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Smoked mackerel (5 points)

Lunch
Grilled tuna pita (6 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Celery sticks filled with organic peanut butter and raisins (4 points)

Dinner
Diced chicken wraps with low-calorie mayonnaise and curry dressing, light potato salad, chilled peach with lemon and organic sweetener (8 points)

Midnight Snack
Beef shwarma, gyro, falafel, french fries, Coca-Cola

My weight: 335 lbs