My Own Drive-Thru Window!

Image of the day: No more hassles at the fridge, no more long lines at the counter!

Had been toying with the notion of a drive-thru window for some time now and when Manuel and I had a near collision in the kitchen on Sunday afternoon (this was clearly my fault, I’d forgotten that the kitchen can only accommodate a single lane of cart traffic) Manuel and I just looked at each other and we both knew, in our special way, that it was drive-thru time.

Chatto and Simpuk were at work through the day and far into the night and as of breakfast time this morning the Seagal ranch now has a fully-operation, cart-friendly drive-thru window off the kitchen with low head clearance and a loading dock for weigh-ins. Clearly this was the right thing to do, and I only regret that it took me this long to do it. There’s nothing more invigorating than rolling up to your own kitchen window and ordering a snack at sunrise! And the drive-thru window was the incentive I needed to spend more time outside communing with nature in between and during meals

Which reminds me of the other big news of the weekend: Manuel and I bought matching carts! Can’t tell you how much this means to me. For many months now my solitary carting has been gnawing at me privately. Now that Manuel and I can motor around together, as a team, I feel much less self-conscience about the lost of my bipedality. But let me tell you about our carts. Both carts are equipped with slide-out dinner trays and easy-grip steering wheels and have amplified roof-mounted bullhorns so that we’ll be in constant contact with each other when carting about the grounds, and can, of course, coordinate mealtimes. This is especially important when an impromptu snack arises. Ditto for periodic feasts. My cart is again an eight-seater automatic with rear-wheel drive, snack bar and dining area. Manuel’s is the shape of an egg with a heavily cushioned interior, a lazy Susan for five and a second, backseat, steering wheel.

The diet lowdown: Calorie Shifting isn’t as easy as it seemed. The problem for Manuel and me is devising meals that actually constitute ‘shocks’ to our metabolisms. This is, however, best done with a partner, as the Idiot Proof handbook suggests. An intimate bond quickly develops between a tandem of calorie shifters, so that when Manuel suggests a light meal and I then counter it with a heavy snack, or vice-versa, I have the feeling (Manuel too) of an almost psychic connection that transcends the gastric and verges on the mystic. The closest thing to it, in my experience, is improvisational jazz. I foresee a long and fruitful collaboration between Manuel and myself innocent of treacheries of the Kenny Loggins variety.

Finally, Goran Otix, the Genghis expert, is due to arrive on Thursday with his assistant Drahousek. Can’t wait to start talking Genghis with Dr. Otix. The only slightly disturbing circumstance of Dr. Otix’s arrival is the doctor’s insistence that his room windows be hung with black-out cloth and that the ambient temperature be set to 84º F with ‘an occasional gust of cooler air being blown in at pre-arranged intervals’.

Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast (Seagal’s choice)
Mug Green Tea (sit down, 0 points)

Mid-Morning Snack (Uribe’s choice)
Mug Sidral Mundet Apple, Battered Pork Cutlets, 4 Avocados, Salmon Seviche, Peppered Lard (drive-thru, 36 points)

Lunch (Seagal)
Battered Veal Cutlets, 4 Cornish Hens (baked in juices), Giblets and Mayo on Rye, 2 lbs Scottish Lox, Cup Clarified Butter, Box Jujubes (drive-thru, 48 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack (Uribe)
Orange Tree (?)

Dinner (Seagal)
Almond Tree (?)

Post-Dinner Snack (Uribe)
Hay (?)*

*Explanation of Yesterday’s Calorie Shifts:

Now you see how this works. I believe after Manuel’s orange tree (he was going for a metabolic shock), I got carried away and, hence, opted for the almond tree. Manuel, at an obvious impasse, couldn’t then turn back and improvise off his previous snack and so suggested hay, which is largely inedible. The complications of ordering calorie-shifted meals from a drive-thru window only highlights the strategic importance of a well-crafted cart. Manuel’s lazy Susan (and second steering wheel) is, I now realize, ideal for drive-thru meals. My snack bar is a bit of an impediment and I can’t steer from the dining area of my cart because I didn’t have the foresight to install a second steering wheel.

My Weight: 598 lbs

Kenny Loggins Stole My Lyrics

Image of the day: Kenny Loggins, Lyrics Thief

When you’ve been friends with a person for so many years, you’re always making little allowances for actual or perceived injustices, but this will unfortunately have to spell the end of my two-plus-decade friendship with Kenny Loggins (and of our fruitful musical collaboration). As of today Kenny is cut from my new album, You Can’t Fool the Fat Man. Let me explain.

Yesterday, I was in the studio listening to some old tracks Kenny and I had cut in March of ’86 and came across a tune I’d written the lyrics for. Kenny, being the great improviser that he is, just picked it up and ran with it. Frankly, I’m speechless. The following are my original lyrics for Zen Zone, written in March ‘86:

Zen Zone
by Steven Seagal

Sittin’ on your couch
Listen to those couch springs moan
Metal bending, baby,
Beggin' you to release the load

Highway to the Zen Zone
Ride into the Zen Zone

Forget all your tension
Lay out on the couch tonight
Don’t worry about your friends, man
Forget about your appetite

Highway to the Zen Zone
I'll take you
Right into the Zen Zone

You'll never get any mojo
Until you release the load
Rev up your karma as high as it can go go
Forget about your body tone

Spread out on my couch
Always where I yearn to be
The further from the couch
The weaker the intensity

Highway to the Zen Zone
Gonna take you
Right into the Zen Zone

And the following are Kenny’s lyrics to Danger Zone, released in May ’86 (2 months after Zen Zone):

Danger Zone
by Kenny Loggins

Revvin' up your engine
Listen to her howlin' roar
Metal under tension
Beggin' you to touch and go

Highway to the Danger Zone
Ride into the Danger Zone

Headin' into twilight
Spreadin' out her wings tonight
She got you jumpin' off the track
And shovin' into overdrive

Highway to the Danger Zone
I'll take you
Right into the Danger Zone

You'll never say hello to you
Until you get it on the red line overload
You'll never know what you can do
Until you get it up as high as you can go

Out along the edges
Always where I burn to be
The further on the edge
The hotter the intensity

Highway to the Danger Zone
Gonna take you
Right into the Danger Zone

Highway to the Danger Zone

What else do I have to say? I’ve already contacted Myron Beas and Loggins v. Seagal is in the works. Can’t wait to stare Kenny down in court.

Otherwise, Manuel had a slight accident on the highway on Wednesday. I’ll just say that his extra bulk was his saving grace. The delivery truck that hit the Cookiemobile head on (Manuel had exited the highway in the wrong lane) was a total loss, as was the Cookiemobile, but Manuel walked off unscathed. The driver of the delivery truck is in intensive care but, the doctors say, will recover the use of his lower body in a matter of time.


Michael Jackson's aye-aye (currently on display at the Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo)

In petting zoo news, we received from the Pitts (as the first installment to the Seagal-Uribe estate of the dismantlement of Michael Jackson’s private zoo) a darling little creature I had never seen or heard of before. The aye-aye is a rodent, Brad told me, but behaves like a woodpecker, and it’s the world's largest nocturnal primate. What particularly endeared me to my new furry friend is its unique method of finding food, which I’ll save for another day.

And, finally, dieting-wise, Manuel and I have turned to a completely revolutionary diet Manuel discovered yesterday on YouTube, Calorie Shifting, otherwise known as The Idiot Proof Diet. We ordered our first two weeks of idiot proof diet recipes for $39.99, along with a calorie counter and a handbook. The Calorie Shifting method works by confusing your body’s metabolism by continually shocking it with erratic caloric values. For instance, you may eat a bowl of muesli in the morning and then, in the evening or afternoon even, hit your organism with a McDonald’s Value Meal, as a wake-up call. We’ve agreed to spend a final day in relative freedom, Manuel suggesting a 24-hour barbecue to celebrate our burgeoning friendship and the composition of You Can’t Fool the Fat Man’s first track, Slow Haul.

Yesterday’s Meals:

24-hour Barbecue with Manuel Uribe

My weight: 584 lbs

Victim of Nostalgia

Image of the day: "Adam Caught Stealing Apples from the
Garden of Earthly Delights" (courtesy of Helmut Newton)

With our feeding schedules being what they were, Manuel and I had completely forgotten about Easter. I hadn’t realized how deeply religious a man Manuel was either, and respect him the more for it. In light of this, Manuel decided to confess his sins yesterday. I let him borrow the cart and warned him to stay off the highway but you never know with Manuel.

With Manuel gone, I had a rare moment to ponder life’s bitter-sweet mysteries (as I often used to while shooting but have recently fallen out of the habit of doing) and sank into a deep, melancholy brood while gazing out the kitchen window at the Buddhist Water Garden, long unused, where the chestnut and almond trees seemed to be bent low by an aching solitude. How often, in my feasting years, nostalgia creeps up upon me! I listened to the sparrows cheeping deliciously, one to the other, and the piglets snorting joyously for their morning feed (so cute, so fragile, my little piglets) and was brought to tears by the appearance of a butterfly, sprung from its cocoon in brilliant raiment, announcing for man and beast alike the rich offerings of spring. How perfect it was, how delectable! . . . Though I continued to brood.

Later that morning, Chatto, Banroot, Simpuk and five of Chatto’s nephews carried me down into the basement to the Memorabilia Room so I could peruse those keepsakes and icons of my boyishly handsome youth that have made me the legend I am today. It was, I have to admit, a shock to see those images of my less encumbranced years. I almost wept as I traveled down memory’s somber lane and gazed once again upon my manliness, nay, my incorruptibility and my Adonis-like repose . . . that will, I have sadly realized, never be again. I was particularly struck by a collection of nude photographs Helmut Newton took of me several years ago when I was anxious to capture (for the public) my evolving body as it eased into its ever-mounting and defining corpulence. Like the kings of yore, who fought and loved fiercely, and feasted to their hearts’ content on many a spit-roasted beast, only the flesh remains, and what a story it has to tell.

Today’s image of the day, "Adam Caught Stealing Apples from the Garden of Earthly Delights", is perhaps most representative of my feelings at the time. In it, I see a man who has suffered and learned, who is poised for combat but at the same time protective of his torso and nether regions, a curious, proud, defiant man exposing in a coy way his humble flesh to the camera’s probing eye in a moment of surrendered intimacy.

I hope you enjoyed this photograph as much as I did and will see what else I can turn up over the next few days.

On the dieting front, I’ve sent a final, and, I believe, heartfelt, e-mail to the NeoFat people requesting delivery of my microlipids, the last hope I have of restraining my runaway appetites. I also have to say that I’m really not sure where to go from here, whether it was the grains or the meat, the colonic irrigations or too many persimmons, the midnight snacks or periodic feasts, that have led me to the point I’m now at (veering like one of distant Pluto’s solitary moons towards the 600-lb mark.) With the exception of a Spanish omelet, a Baby Ruth, a rack of ribs, a plate of fresh figs, a pound of Turkish Delight and a meager 5-minute feed on Stockmol 20, I ate nothing of interest yesterday.

Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast
Spanish omelet (7 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Baby Ruth (4 points)

Lunch
Fresh figs, 1 lb Turkish Delight (8 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Stockmol 20

Dinner
Rack of Ribs (18 points)

My Weight: 574 lbs

Erratum (re: Tuesday's Post)

Dear Readers,

It was brought to my attention by Dale Michelin of Plain Oaks, Nebraska that my weight as reported on Tuesday's post was 448 lbs. Clearly, as Dale pointed out, shedding one hundred plus pounds in a day while on a steady diet of pig feed (or on any other diet) is ludicrous, if not demeaning to dieters to whom this unintentional error has given a ray of hope. The correct weight was 548 lbs.

Thank you for your understanding and enjoy today's post below (with my correct weight.)

Sensei

Chuck Norris ‘Operation Pig in the Poke’ Sabotaged

Image of the day: Automatic Chopsticks

I have some disturbing news to report. I uncovered the ‘weasel’ late yesterday afternoon. A little CIA sleuth work was all it took. At around 5 o’clock, fully cloaked in my cat burglar’s outfit from Ludicrous Jones and armed with a pair of automatic chopsticks, I overheard the following conversation on the Pure Room line:

Caller: This is the Rattler [obviously Chuck Norris.]
Receiver: Mud Duck here [to my horror, Banroot, Busey’s houseboy, who had stayed on to help with the mid-afternoon feed.]
Chuck Norris: How’s business?
Banroot: No troubles, señor.
Chuck Norris: Is the pig in the poke?
Banroot: Si, señor, Operation Pig in the Poke on schedule.
Chuck Norris: Good. And my headless bear?
Banroot: No problems.
Chuck Norris: Fabulous. Money’s in the bank.
Banroot: Si, señor.

When I questioned Banroot later that evening, he denied ever having talked to Norris, or being fluent in Spanish for that matter. Then I sat him down and engaged in Shaolin eye warfare, an old trick I picked up waiting on long buffet lines in Detroit, and Banroot cracked, weeping his apologies and saying that Norris had brainwashed him, and paid him, of course, into tampering with my feed rations. Little does he know that Chuck’s plan to overpump the trough levels has played right into my hands! I only apologize to my readers for underestimating the point values. In the end I accepted Banroot’s apology and dispatched him immediately to Chuck’s houseboat with his headless teddy. To Chuck’s further horror, I’m sure, I’ve also blacklisted him from the petting zoo.

DIETING NEWS

Realized at the end of the day that even if I consumed a ton or more of pig feed a day I would still be eating feed into late April, which is not an appealing thought. For this reason, Manuel suggested we finish as much as we can in one final and dramatic feed and save the rest for the piglets, which arrived in 25 little pigpens early yesterday morning. As always, I was in perfect agreement with Manuel and amazed once again at Manuel’s practical sense. So enjoy my last official pig feed.

OTHER NEWS

In light of the fact that Manuel and I seem to be finding ourselves in increasingly supine positions these days, I’ve just subscribed to Feast Magazine. This should give us something to do in between meals and perhaps provide the creative impetus we’ll need for our future collaboration in dieting strategies.

Feast Magazine: Perfect for downtime in between meals

Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast Feed
Park and Tonks Pig Breakfast (The obvious choice. Tried to polish off 3 troughs but only made it to the middle of the second.)

Periodic Feast
Shoney’s Personal Buffet for 2 (This includes Manuel. Didn’t know they catered at Shoney’s but Manuel did. Fabulous . . . 82 points)

Lunch Feed
2 troughs Alphamune, 1 trough ViraMatrix

Periodic Feast
Fudge Feast (Anyone’s guess . . . I’d say 30 or so points.)

Mid-Afternoon Feed
Stockmol 20 (Again, tried to push on to a 40-minute feed but started to bloat uncontrollably at 35, and at minute 36 was overcome by a stupendous fit of flatulence that horrified even Manuel, and passed the nozzle.)

Dinner Feed
3 ½ troughs PROVIMI 66, ½ trough Alphamune, ½ trough Tenter and Fisk’s

Periodic Feast
Surprisingly, we passed on this one. It wasn’t, as Manuel correctly pointed out, that we didn’t have the appetite, it was just that we were too exhausted to press on. Carted in to the pebble garden for Gin Rummy instead. Manuel has started to complain of chest pains.

My weight: 569 lbs

Goran Otix, Top Genghis Expert, Joins Genghis Team

Image of the day: Headless Teddy Bear, a gift from Chuck Norris

Received positive correspondence from Brad Pitt yesterday afternoon. Brad said he’d be happy to contribute Michael Jackson’s surviving animals to the Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo but that he’d already been advised by John Voigt to put them up on eBay in separate bids. From what I understood from the letter, the down payments on Never Land aren’t cheap and the Pitts are welcoming any extra income they can make from the sale of Michael’s movable assets. Further, I understood, Bryan Adams has also expressed an interest in Michael Jackson’s animals. To get the ball rolling, Manuel has already ordered our piglets, so this particular habitat should be up and running by the end of next week.

Actually, my feeding schedule has been so hectic these past few days I haven’t had much time to devote to my business or artistic affairs. Serene Warrior Hair Relaxer is doing well in Juba, Chatto tells me, and my VHS sales are up in Baku. Songs from the Crystal Cave is still topping the charts in Kishinev and Don’t Mess with the Fat Man has been nominated for an ‘inspired lyrics’ award in Derbent. And fabulous news: I finally heard back from Goran Otix, perhaps the world’s leading authority on Genghis Khan’s dietary habits, and have convinced him to work with us as our historical advisor. In return, I have agreed to put him up at the ranch in a room of his own (with laboratory facilities) for a month. Mr. Otix, if you don’t know him already, is the author of such classics as Beef Patties Under the Saddle, Feasts After Slaughter, The Closing of the Oriental Mind, Late Dinners with Genghis, A Journey Through Ancient Mongolian Cuisine, and is the editor of the Notable Tyrants: What They Ate and How series. So I was thrilled (and honored) to hear that he will be flying in from Bucharest to assist me on this endeavor.

In the meantime, in keeping with Dr. Baswabi’s advice, I’m not moving. Have taken up crochet with Gary in the meanwhile, a wonderful and relaxing activity that requires minimal exertions and is great for the those rarely exercised hand muscles. Gary, by the way, has asked me to refer to him from now on, not only for the purposes of the blog but in general, as Busey. So Busey is my crochet partner.

Finally, I received an odd package from Chuck Norris (see image of the day) to commemorate my passing of the 525-lb mark, and don’t know what to make of it. The fact that Chuck knew I’d taken up crochet at all leads me to suspect that we have a weasel at the ranch. But who? I’m currently working on a list.

Dieting-wise, I’ve reached an impasse with my pig feeds. I was shocked to learn from Goran Otix that Genghis Khan was not, in fact, the big grain eater I’d been led to believe. In other words, I’ve been taken in (and should have known better than to trust everything I read on-line) but I’m still stuck with the following mass quantities of starter and grower feeds (and plan to finish the job, as always, before moving on to another, more Genghis-like, diet):

27 tons Alphamune
32 liquid tons Stockmol 20
15 tons PROVIMI 66 Pure Fish Meal
10 tons Tenter and Fisk’s Barley Feed for Hind Gut Development
27 tons ViraMatrix Feed
49 tons Park Tonks Ltd. Pig Breakfast

Yesterday’s Meals (unless otherwise indicated ‘a trough’ of dry feed means 320 lbs and fluctuates between 120-150 points. Liquid feed values impossible to calculate):

Breakfast
1 ½ troughs Park Tonks Pig Breakfast (for nutritional values see
Geghis Khan and the High Carb Revolution)

Mid-Morning Snack
Apple slivers (1 point)

Lunch
2 troughs ViraMatrix Feed

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Stockmol 20, 30-minute feed

Dinner
2 troughs PROVIMI 66 Pure Fish Meal, ½ trough Alphamune

Periodic Feast
Omelet Tent Competition (not as preposterous as Manuel made it sound at first. The winner, Manuel again, had to design a tent made out of his favorite omelet, lie down in it and then eat it from the inside out. Eric Roberts took a notable mention for a whopper of a Denver omelet that unfortunately crumbled as he was crawling inside. Busey didn’t compete in this one. My omelet was actually bigger than Manuel’s but the door was too narrow so I ate it from the outside and was disqualified.)

My Weight: 448 lbs

Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo

Image of the day: Publicity Weighing at Griffith Park

Feeling better after a visit from Dr. Baswabi. Was given a chewable vitamin and a hot water bottle and confined to my waterbed for most of Sunday morning. Snug in my bed, I took the liberty of suggesting a rubdown with Trauma Life Coma Blend, an essential oil I developed myself (the whole line is available at odorous oils). Dr. Baswabi agreed but advised me in the future to consult him prior to any physical activity that didn’t involve cautious entrances and exits of my cart and mealtime exertions. Any walking was strictly forbidden, as well as vigorous basking and ‘high impact’ rolling.

At about three, Tito Jackson showed up just in time for a mid-afternoon pig feed (I’ve grown quite fond of Alphamune, though I’m still experimenting with other top-of-the-line grower and starter feeds), and I was reminded of how blessed I was to enjoy the close and inspiring friendships of men like Tito. Tito was worried about Michael and mentioned in passing that Brad Pitt, who had just moved into Never Land with his Congolese babies, was putting Michael’s petting zoo up for bid on eBay. We both agreed that this was both tragic and cruel, not just for Brad’s adopted Africans but for the world at large. And if Manuel hadn’t been at my side feeding, and forcibly removed my head from the trough, I would never have come to the perfectly obvious solution that had been staring us in the face the whole time . . . Manuel and I could buy Michael’s animals and build a petting zoo of our own at the ranch!

We were so happy that Manuel and Tito burst into a spontaneous dance, and though the urge to join them was strong, I vigilantly refrained from any physical movement. After a publicity weighing with Gary at Griffith Park, Manuel and I spent the rest of the day planning our zoo. A brief description of the zoo and its facilities follows:

1) The Seagal-Urbe Petting Zoo will feature in separate, animal-friendly spaces that will recreate as far as possible the natural habitats of their four-legged and winged residents the following sentient beings: 2 ruddy shelducks, 2 Chihuahuan ravens, 1 red kangaroo, 4 Markhor goats, 22 Capuchin monkeys, 2 gray foxes, 1 ring-tailed lemur, 1 mountain cougar, 1 ocelot, 3 badgers, 5 North American river otters, 2 turkey buzzards, 1 great horned owl, 15 Egyptian geese, 25 piglets, 1 buffalo, 10 head of steer.


[The Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo, clockwise from left to right: Seagal (founder), Uribe (co-founder and chow pal), Girl feeding Markhor goat, Jackson (guest pedophile), Roberts (resident zookeeper), Seagal Lifetime Achievements Tent and Vending Facilities]

2) The picnic grounds of the Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo will be where the vending facilities for the cart track would have gone, and children will have free entrance. Chatto convinced me (and how right he was) to put up a tent dedicated to my cinematic, musical, philanthropic, culinary and scientific achievements, offering memorabilia, food tastings and signings daily. At the top of every second hour I will make a personal appearance in this tent, fully robed, in my cart. I will make a lap of the tent and then motor back in the opposite direction, waving. Then I will drive up to one of the more docile animals and hand-feed it.

3) Eric Roberts will be our zookeeper and Michael Jackson may enter the Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo free-of-charge on any day of the week when school is in session.

That’s about it. A day full of surprises and heightened chi, a day of new vistas and minimal physical exertion. As I said above, I feel uncommonly blessed and hope my little daily triumphs will give you the little extra bit of chi you need to get through the day. Since I’ve already taxed myself enough for one day, I’ll leave you with this week’s trivia question (the prize is the kinky clip-on ponytail I wore in Black Dawn): Name the only movie I starred in that is currently banned in Havana.

(Below: Happy Pig, courtesy of Alphamune)







Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast
Half Trough of Alphamune (I’ve figured that a trough of Alphamune, that is, 4 80-lb bags, is roughly the equivalent of 138 points, though it’s hard to believe it . . . 138 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Scattered groats (2 points)

Lunch
Half Trough of Bio Plus 2 for piglets (as a starter feed, there are more calories to the trough . . . 151 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Stockmol 20, 15-minute feed (this is Standard molasses + 20% Condensed Molasses Solubles. The tricky thing about liquid feeds is that deliveries come in 10-25 ton bulk tankers so you really need a feeder. I recommend the Big Dutchman Hydromix for snacks because you can control the output to the gallon. No way to calculate the points on this, though the delivery man told me a 15-minute feed would give a company of piglets enough calories to last them to Easter.)

Dinner
Half Trough PROVIMI 66 Pure Fish Meal (not quite the ‘elegant eating experience’ they guaranteed on the tanker but a welcome change . . . 122 points)

Periodic Feast
Beef Patty Design Competition (Gary, Eric, Emilio, Manuel and me. A blast! Eric actually designed the biggest patty but according to Manuel’s rules you had to cook it and eat it too. The prize went again to Manuel, who managed to roll up a 35-lb patty, grill it on a bonfire in the pebble garden and pack it down with just one rest for a sip of Sidral Mundet. My patty was a mere 21 lbs with brick of Swiss cheese and bacon included . . . 40 points)

My Weight: 537 lbs

A Day of Negativity

Image of the day: Edible Bikinis from Fruit Suits

Decided, against Manuel’s better judgment, to move a little over the weekend. Ever since the sushi pillows came Manuel and I have been basking on the floor of one room or another, and this has started to effect my chi negatively. So, when Manuel asked me to fire up the Cookiemobile for our mid-morning snack yesterday, I ignored him, and acting on a sudden urge towards mobility, walked from the Pure Room, where we’d been basking, to the kitchen. Just to let you know, the kitchen is on the other side of the ground floor from the Pure Room and the route requires 5 minutes of brisk walking. To everybody’s amazement I made it in 4, and though I felt palpably winded and had suffered a mild perspiration, I continued to walk around the central island, making a total of 10 laps before pausing for a rest. And that’s the last thing I remember.

When Manuel motored in with Eric and Emilio minutes later, they found me curled up in the floor in front of the F&P in a fetal position resembling, in Manuel’s own words, ‘a stunned whale upon a foreign shore’. I was rushed immediately via the Cookiemobile to my waterbed where I rolled around drenched in my own sweats until our periodic feast at midnight. Noticed, too, that my clip-on ponytail is losing precious hair. And, worst of all, I didn’t even have the strength, or will power, to eat my rosewater and nougat dressing gown from Erotic Sirens.

Because I’m still feeling a bit peeked from yesterday’s exercise, as a sidebar to today’s entry I’ll mention only that shooting on Genghis has seen some unforeseeable setbacks, viz. most of the cast and technicians have refused to participate on the grounds that it is, according to the jointly signed and double-registered petition, ‘quite possibly the biggest piece of garbage Hollywood has ever had the misfortune to be associated with since John Travolta got his union card’. Am considering removing the musical interludes and reducing the epic flourishes and making it a Seagal-Busey buddy film, but still don’t know.

Still on pig feed and still waiting on my microlipids. Gus isn’t returning my phone calls and the receptionist suggested (I’m sure this wasn’t the innocent remark it seemed) that I consider ‘filling up a bathtub with Canola oil and drinking it’.

Chi is low . . . have been pestered by malignant forces all day.

Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast
Quarter bag Alphamune

Mid-Morning Snack
Half trough Tenter and Fisk’s Barley Feed for Hind Gut Development

Lunch-Dinner
Unfortunately, too weak to eat

Periodic Feast
Another Outdoor Lamb Roast (am getting a little sick of Manuel’s outdoor roasts but good pickings anyway; managed to hold up my end of the feast . . . 84 points)

My Weight: 525 lbs

Genghis Khan and the High Carb Revolution

Image of the day: Genghis Khan's Gravesite (Dzuunmod, Mongolia)

Was reading a dietography of Genghis Khan (Genghis and the High Carb Revolution) written by an overweight anthropologist who spent over 8 years in Mongolia amassing Khan-related recipes and food lore. I came across an interesting tidbit on the Mongolian diet that I thought I would share:

“The Mongols consumed a steady diet of meat, milk, yogurt, and other diary products, and they fought men who lived on pig droppings. The offal diet of the peasant warriors rotted their teeth and left them weak and prone to disease. Unlike the Chinese soldiers, who ate pig droppings, the Mongols were also dependent on a heavy carbohydrate diet and indulged in periodic feasting, and could easily go a day or two without food.”

I’ve always felt that you’ll find more nutritional wisdom in anthropological data than in the glut of medical papers currently flooding the market. This quote is the proof.

On that note, we organized a dress rehearsal for the first scene of Genghis early yesterday morning. After some initial stumbling blocks (obviously we’ll have to shoot the war elephant scenes outdoors and Gary won’t be able to do his scenes, or voiceovers, naked), I think we got it down. The first scene is a tricky one. After Gary reads the prologue, there’s a long shot of me on my war elephant stumbling, victorious, through the blood-splattered wastes of the Gobi. I stop to water my elephant (two shots with transition) and then march on to a distant mud hut enshrouded in mist and set it on fire, waiting patiently on my elephant for the peasant girls to run out and beg for their lives. The tricky part is capturing the emotional subtlety of Genghis’ response to this very drama-packed moment with a Sony DCR-PC350, which he conveys in typical Mongolian fashion by lifting an eyebrow and squinting (and possibly sighing). We ran through this one using the Siegal Cookie cart and it worked beautifully.

Otherwise, still waiting for my microlipids. And, since I’ve decided to use a method approach to this role, I’ve turned all my energies to pursuing an ultra high-carb diet so I can feel how Genghis felt prepping himself for battle with the hordes of Chinese rebels who only ate pig droppings.

It may also be of interest to know that Manuel believes chi may be edible. I’ve never given much thought to this possibility but Manuel claims that when he is sitting within three feet of my aura he is actually nourished by its presence, not spiritually as I’d assumed, but in a purely caloric sense. That is to say, Manuel believes he is feeding off my aura. I’ve asked Simpook and Chatto to keep on eye on him.

Today’s Meals:

Breakfast
Pig Breakfast from Park Tonks Ltd. (this a blend of dehydrated corn, sorghum, barley and herbs which stabilize gut flora and develop hind gut integrity . . . 15 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Pig droppings (Gary has a pig farm outside Malibu and I thought I’d just try this once, to see how the Jurcheds felt prepping themselves for defeat. Manuel seasoned his with Cracker Jacks and wrapped the resultant mixture in a corn tortilla and said it tasted like a pungent tamale . . . 0 points)

Periodic Feast
Slaughtered Prize Hog for 20 (with Manuel . . . my points 80)

Lunch
ViraMatrix Feed Compound (difficult to figure out point values since a trough of ViraMatrix, as a grower feed, is supposed to feed ‘a modest pig population’. Managed to polish off half an 80-lb bag and still had room for a Philly Cheese Steak.)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Alphamune (tastier than ViraMatrix but less feed per volume)

Dinner
Gruel (again, impossible to gauge points on this one.)

Periodic Feast
Outdoor Lamb Roast followed by Goat Dance (Chatto and Simpook) and Cart Races . . . (60 points – Calories burnt from cart races = 58 points)

My Weight: 518 lbs

Pumpkin Pie Face-Off: Seagal vs. Uribe

Image of the day: Unidentified Cretin with Two Pumpkin Pies

My shipment of sushi pillows arrived yesterday afternoon by DHL. Was very annoyed to discover that you can’t actually eat sushi pillows, though I tried and failed. This didn’t stop Manuel, who actually managed to consume his edamame mattress and two of my hamachi head pillows in one sitting. Still waiting for my edible recliner and three-piece sofa from Max Lamb. My microlipids from NeoFat have been tracked and will arrive in time for the weekend.

I suppose the news of the week, though, is that preproduction on I Am Genghis Khan is all wrapped up. Due to financial considerations I will be shooting this picture in my basement, not in Ulaanbaatar as I’d originally planned. Have changed the script a bit because of this last-minute change, and have added on a role for Manuel. Manuel is going to play my chariot driver, Pikpus Khan.

Pumpkin diet working exceptionally well. Apropos of pumpkin foods, Manuel taught me how to double-fist pumpkin pies yesterday. I didn’t realize this at first because his eating habits are wide-ranging and seemingly erratic, but Manuel is quite the innovator. After we got going, Manuel suggested we stage a contest right then and there. The pebble garden, he convinced me, would be ideal for any contest that pitted man against pie, and he was right. Preparations were made immediately and our face-off was one for the record books. In all fairness to my own devouring power, I’ve got to say that Manuel’s feeding technique borders on genius. Here is a brief recap, including highlights, of our chow down in the pebble garden.

Early Rounds:

Going straight from Manuel’s demonstration of his double-fisting technique, we each polished off a third pie singly and with ease. When we started in on our fourth and fifth simultaneously eaten pies, respectively, Manuel showed signs of nausea and fatigue. I took this as a green light for a brutal offensive and ravaged my sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth pies mercilessly with strategic emphasis placed on the ninth. And that’s when I noticed, to my delight, that Manuel was about to pass out. Just as I set into my tenth (and what I thought would be my victory) pie, Manuel popped back into life in full-force and knocked back 12 double-fisted pies in under 3 minutes, putting him ahead by 7.

Middle Rounds:
Seagal: 6
Uribe: 14

Final Rounds:
Seagal: 8
Uribe: 19

Final Count:
Seagal: 24 pies
Uribe: 50 pies

Unanimous Decision: Uribe

The pumpkin pie eat-off began as a mid-morning snack and lasted until midnight, and was staged in various locations throughout the Seagal grounds. At midnight, when it was clear that I would never catch up no matter how many pies I ate, Chatto blew the whistle and ruled in favor of Manuel, and then we finished off Manuel’s doggy bag from Wheezy Jack’s Crab Shack.

Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast
Pumpkins stuffed with Scrambled Eggs, Cheddar and Peeps, Sidral Mundet Apple Soda (an amazing idea and I owe this one to Manuel. 2 pumpkins X 32 points = 64 points)

Mid-Morning Snack — Dinner (all primary and secondary meals included)
Pumpkin Pie Eating Contest (24 pies X (roughly) 35 points, which does not include the whipped cream = 840 points*)

Pre-breakfast Option
Manuel Uribe’s Doggy Bag (a scant 21 points)

My weight: 511 lbs

*indicates point value made by calculator. All other point values calculated by Chatto.

Discovery of the Year: Microlipids!

Image of the day: Sushi Pillows

These hard-working fat friends have just about made my week. The spiritual transformation I’m going through now that I’ve said goodbye to my half-ton-and-under days has been crushing in many ways. My good friend and fellow calorie maven, George Wendt, used to say it’s the first hundred that mean the most, but for me it was the moment I crossed the threshold from the ‘preposterously overweight’ (I actual prefer this to the other ‘O’ word) to the ‘medically doubtful’. Sometimes I feel like a young mother in the throes of post-partum depression with a newborn babe nibbling at her teat, sad in my struggles to be proud. But the bottom line is this: I haven’t yet delivered and the ‘little man’ in my lap isn't living, or nibbling at my teat, but is a full-grown monster demanding to be fed faster than I can appease him. But I don’t want to get misty-eyed over a little extra tonnage. Enter: MICROLIPIDS.

Eric Schworsy contacted Leon Pinkus, Drew Carry’s fat guru, and dropped this bombshell on me while Manuel and I were sharing a mid-afternoon snack moment yesterday (Manuel confessed that he saw himself in me and this led to some heartfelt bonding. I didn’t expect this from him and was immensely touched . . . by Manuel who put me in a Mexican bear hug). Just what are microlipids? I’m not exactly sure but this is what I gathered from Gus Papathanasopoulos, NeoFat CEO and microsaturation inventor (I include the following excerpt from Gus’s e-mail):

“Microlipids are the result of a revolutionary process [developed personally by Gus for his wife] for manufacturing edible fats and oils that will apply to all dense calorie consumables: dairy fats, animal fats and edible oils. The new microsaturation technology will result, Steven, quite simply, in the healthiest fats and edible oils available anywhere. The new process offers several advantages for compulsive eaters like yourself:

* no unhealthy trans fats

* no heating or pressurization during processing means no bloating

* microsaturated fats are more completely digested so you can eat and eat and not show the unsightly effects of chronic binging
* dense calories for extreme humans without corporal [sic] fat deposition
* more cost-effective dense calories for under-nourished populations [i.e. Chatto]

NeoFat Industries, Inc. is a privately held corporation headquartered in Gila, New Mexico. The company is served by an advisory board that includes outstanding medical doctors, technologists, educators, retired military officers, obese celebrities and an eminent food scientist.”

Well, there it is in a nutshell. More fat goes in, less fat comes out. And no pressurization. Now I’m just waiting for Gus to deliver my first barrel from Gila, which, Gus told me, is on the house. He’s apparently a big fan.

Otherwise, Eric has suggested I start wearing edible starch-based robes (we ordered a gross from Erotic Siren yesterday) and consider furnishing the rooms where I spend the majority of my time with Max Lamb’s line of edible furniture. This way, if the craving is upon me, I can just eat my furniture. Unfortunately, as it turns out, I spend a lot of time in the kitchen these days and there’s no way to pull out all that stainless steel, but they may do edible bar stools and edible counter tops, I don’t know. We also ordered a box of Sushi Pillows along with an edamame body pillow for Chatto and an edamame mattress for Manuel, who will be staying on at the ranch for the next few weeks, free room and board, in the official capacity of corporeal advisor and chow pal.

And, finally, I should probably let you know that I’m officially (and forever) off beans. Feeling so much better and, of course, less bloated. With Manuel around (he’s a creative snacker but also a persistent one), I’ve decided that two big men eating mass quantities of beans 24-7 is not the way to go, and can now understand why Manuel’s mother kicked him out of the house and put him on a plane last Tuesday. So, again on Eric’s advice (I wouldn’t be able to make it without you, thanks old buddy) I’ve embarked with Manuel on a diet of pumpkin-based foods.

Chatto just reminded me to put in a word about Anthony Minghella’s passing, and I’ll say this. Though Anthony and I disagreed fundamentally in so many ways not only in matters of style and taste, but also in how we viewed the role and duties of the auteur, I do have to admit that Anthony inspired me a great deal over the years, especially in my earliest endeavors, and lately in Urban Justice. I owe my Genghis concept to him in part as well. So, God Bless, Anthony, wherever you are, and good chi. I ate a pie in your honor.

The rest of you enjoy the rest of your work weeks, and thanks for your kind notes regarding my surpassing the 500-lb mark. Wouldn’t be able to do it without you either!

Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast:
Tempting Pumpkin Pancakes (bet you were guessing this . . . 12 X 2 = 24 points that were worth it)

Mid-morning Snack:
Mini Pumpkin Spice Cakes with Orange Glaze (scrumptious and ‘mini means more’ as Orson Welles used to say . . . 36 X 1 = 36 points)

Lunch:
Minced Meat Stuffed Pumpkin with Caraway Cream Sauce, Borsht (with pumpkin instead of beet), Sweet Pumpkin Bread with Pumpkin Butter (34 points)

Pre-Siesta Snack (Manuel thought this one up):
Pumpkin Cheesecake with Three Nut Topping (2 X 30 = 60 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack:
Quick and Easy Pumpkin Pie (you can never have too much of a good thing . . . 2 X 20 = 40 points)

Dinner:
Buttery Pumpkin Soufflé with Gorgonzola Cream Sauce drizzle, leftover Pumpkin Butter, and for desert, Rich Chocolate Pumpkin Truffles (31 points)

Pre-Breakfast Option:
Manuel Uribe’s Doggy Bag (56 points and still going)

My Weight: 504 lbs

Manuel Uribe Broke My KGW Industrial Crane Scale

Image of the day: Manuel Uribe arrives at Wheezy Jack's Crab Shack


Myron Beas is in negotiations with Bryan Adams' people in Malibu over my rightful ownership of the Elvis Throne. From what I understand, ‘extending bidding’ is illegal and I’m sure we’ve got a pretty good case. I’m contesting the sale, secondarily, on the grounds that Bryan is too puny to get any enjoyment out of it and that at my current size it’s almost a crime to deprive me of it. I’ve made it clear to Myron that I’m willing to put up the original bid ($139) plus a box of Swamp Daddy cassettes and a plug for Bryan’s next album, whenever that will be.

Speaking of Swamp Daddy, I was a bit disappointed to find out that on at least three of the tracks Gary can be heard in the background weeping. And speaking of Gary, because of his latest run-in with the LAPD, he’s now chewing charcoal. He says it’s supposed to confuse breathalyzers, and has recommended that I chew charcoal too, to combat my bean gas. So far nothing’s happened.

Otherwise, doing fine. Have joined the half-ton-and-up club and am glad Manuel Uribe is here to enjoy this moment with me. Manuel has agreed to be my corporeal advisor in my upcoming challenges and so far he’s been a real pal and a fine chow buddy. Unfortunately, Gary (who’s been using the KWG scale as a trapeze of sorts) dared Manuel to do the same, but Manuel missed the catch and went straight through the floor and into the Saffron Room. And I’m sure the KGW people said that this particular model had a maximum weight capacity of 3,000 lbs. Anyway, Manuel was fine, and after my weigh-in at UPS (hello from Ron the pallet loader), we carted out to Wheezy Jack’s Crab Shack for a tête-à-tête to celebrate. I’ve got to admit that Manuel ate me under the table. We started off on an even footing but when Manuel got his second wind, he left me in the dust, and kept going until Wheezy Jack’s niece closed us down. She even took a picture of us and had Manuel sign it.

Anyway, gassy but hopeful. Thanks for your continued support, and here’s the trivia question of the week: Name another celebrity in the Beverly Hills area who uses a KGW industrial scale.

Today’s Meals:

Breakfast
Kanto Makiyakinabe Omelet (Makiyakinabe omelets come in 3 varieties: kantō-type, kansai-type and nagoya-type), Kansai Makiyakinabe Omelet, Nagoya Makiyakinabe Omelet, jug of Nutella (19 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Red Bean Curd Pasties (1 X 6= 6 points)

Lunch
Korean Bean Kebabs

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Chocolate-covered Navy Beans (delicious . . . only 5 points), 3 lbs Sam’s Club Baking Chocolate (20 points)

Dinner
Wheezy Jack’s Crab Feast with Manuel Uribe (don’t want to guess on the points on this one)

Pre-Breakfast Option
Manuel Uribe’s Doggy Bag (81 points)

My Weight: 501 lbs . . . 501 lbs . . . 501 lbs . . . 501 lbs

Swamp Daddy Cassette Release Party

Image of the day: Bryan Adams celebrates eBay victory with sexy accordion player


Big news on the music front: my new cassette, Swamp Daddy, is out in Yerevan! Invited a few old friends over to mark the occasion. The theme of the party was legumes. Don’t like to blow my horn but we haven’t seen a star-studded evening like this at the ranch since my last Zen Blow Out in ‘88. Just a taste: Eddie Belushi (Jim’s brother-in-law from his first marriage), Pittsburg Lee Hines (B.B. King’s back-up drummer for most of the 80’s), Rey Mysterio, the Busey Gang, Manuel Uribe (he’s looking great), Don “Doctor Fists” Curry (Ronald Marchini’s stunt double), Helen Hines (The Return of Keech, Zen Warriors vs. The Tarantula King, etc.), Doody Costner, Clyde Costner, Margie Costner, Jean-Claude Vanderlay (no relation), Jeff Speakman, Moses Hudd (you may remember him from my first album), Lester “Nosebleed” Fitts, Scott Schwartz, Scott Baio, Clyde Barrett, Emilio Estevez, Dudley Lowe, Eric Roberts, Kato Kaylen, Tito Jackson and more. According to my man in Armenia Delivery Boy Blues is already at number 84, and you can hear Kurdish rebels in Metina singing She’s Got Tookus.

The only bad news I have to report, other than my weight, is that I was outbid for Elvis’ throne at 3:45 a.m. Sunday morning. For some reason (I suspect foul play) the bid was extended by 48 hours 30 seconds before my $139 bid was finalized on Thursday evening. Shortly before that, a second bidder appeared offering $139.50. I saw his bluff and raised the pot to $150, and was again outbid. And then the news was announced that due to the high demand for the product (???) the bidding would carry on until Sunday. By midnight Saturday the pot had climbed to $22,000, and I bailed out reluctantly on Chatto’s advice. Was amazed (and hurt) to find out early Sunday morning that I’d been bidding against Bryan Adams. Still sticking to legumes but feeling gassy and irritable. Did manage to stand yesterday.

Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast
12-pack Porkyland Frozen Breakfast Burritos smothered in Queso and Swiss (12 X 3 = 36 points), Beano (0 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Baked Bean Loaf (6 points)

Lunch
Black-Eyed Peas and Smoked Picnic (this is 1 lb dried black-eyed peas, 1 smoked pork shoulder, about 10 to 12 lbs, serves 14 . . . 51 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Sweet Mung Beans Dessert (3 points), Beano (0 points)

Dinner
Miso-marinated Hog Jowls with Fava Beans, 1 lb orange licorice, box of Malomars, Toblerone Dark, Toblerone White (disappointing), 6-pack Lightning Bolt Energy Drink, bag dried papaya, bag brown sugar, bag pork rinds, sack shrimp crackers, 3 Di Giorno’s pizzas, 2 Di Giorno’s pizzas, mixed canapés, fried bananas with Miracle Whip and Worcester Sauce, fried Miracle Whip, frying pan, bag Curly’s frozen French fries, quart of Famous Grouse 12, confetti, refrigerator frost, plate, sponge, dish rack (72 points), Beano (0 points)

Pre-Breakfast Option
Ma-Po Barbecue for 6, string bean

My Weight: 497 lbs

Bidding for Elvis' Throne on eBay

Was laid out with a frightening case of diarrhea on Wednesday (probably the Marmite, which I’ve stopped taking) so didn’t find the time to write. In all fairness to the Marmite people, there is a disclaimer on the bottle, in tiny print, that warns against consuming more than 8 ounces per day. In my enthusiasm, I must have polished off 10 bottles. But let bygones be bygones. Feeling much better now and the mudslides reminded me that it’s probably time for a new, more commodious, toilet.

On the blogging front, I just wanted to let you know that Eric Schworsky, my weight management therapist, and I had a little falling out now that the cookie endorsement is on the rocks (he’d told me it was as good as gold), so Eric, who is also my IT man, hasn’t been updating the links. But I’ve just hired Emilio Estevez (who’s a big fan) to help me do it. Will have those updates by Monday.

In business news, had a very odd encounter yesterday after a late brunch with Doody Costner, who’s officially ‘in’ on the Genghis production by the way. Let me backtrack. Doody and I had gotten to talking about Kevin’s latest project Dances with Wolves Again, which Doody is convinced is destined to break box office records because Kevin has hired a man named Albert Peach to direct it. I’d never heard of him and googled him later and didn’t find much more than a reference to a single pilot for a show called Hector’s Story. Anyway, the brunch stretched out until about 3 o’clock, when we motored indoors for a mid-afternoon snack and Doody suddenly passed out. He claimed later that it was the Marmite (he’d never tasted it and refused to listen to my warnings), but I have my suspicions that Doody, like Abel, drinks more than he lets on. To cut to the chase, Doody finally left at about 6, and I’d just been lowered onto my chairs for an early dinner when a man who later identified himself as the unwilling executor of Elvis Presley’s lesser-known curios rang the gong. Chatto, who was still in bad shape and couldn’t answer the door, radioed Simpook, but Simpook was dying Eric’s hair (I just found out about this) so I had to get it myself. I’m embarrassed to say that, lacking the proper assistance to enter my cart, I was forced to crawl to the door and open it. Doubly embarrassing was having to introduce myself from the floor. I’ve weathered worse.

So, like I said, the man introduced himself and invited himself inside for an aperitif. Unfortunately, I let him know, we’d have to make do with leftover Marmite but that I wouldn’t be able to join him on account of my diarrhea, and he said that was fine. When we’d finally gotten comfortable in the Saffron Room (I’ve just outfitted this room with a remarkable collection of Javanese rugs and an assortment of puffy pillows) he divulged the following information: Elvis had had a throne. I was dumbstruck. Then he said that not only had Elvis had a throne but that Elvis’ throne (which doesn’t unfortunately come equipped with an industrial scale but does have a dinner tray, two dinner trays actually) was at that very moment being bid for on eBay. Well, I thanked him and crawled him back to the door and immediately logged onto eBay and, fingers crossed, will have that throne for $139 (my bid) in 2 hours 37 minutes. Send me chi!

Otherwise, for all you dieters out there, I’m now on a diet based almost exclusively on legumes. I owe my friends at chiefly legumes for this inspiration. The wonderful thing about legumes, as far as I can tell, is that you can eat as much as you want and the only side effect (if you do overindulge) is gas, which I’m long used to anyway. Can’t wait to share my meals with you, and leave my throne alone!

Yesterday’s meals
Breakfast
Hearty Fiesta Cassoulet (12 points)

Mid-Morning Snack 1
Aztec Tostadas (4 points X 2 = 8 points)

Mid-Morning Snack 2
Aztec Tostadas (4 points X 4= 16 points)

Lunch
Red Beans and Mudbugs (a Cajun recipe with crawfish, one of my favorites, cured ham, spicy sausage and optional rack of ribs) with Dirty Rice and Rack of Ribs (20 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack 1
Pizza Beans (still not sure what this was but Chatto said he followed the recipe . . . 8 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack 2
Shipwreck Casserole (thanks Richard Mann! Just as good as chili, serves 12 . . . 41 points)

Dinner
Spicy Black Bean Stew (yummy!) with Mudbugs (I guessed the ‘mudbugs’ were the sausage tidbits but image they might be the crawfish after all) and Goose Liver with frijole garnish. (25 points?)

Pre-Breakfast Option
Refried beans and Laffy Taffy (5 points)

My weight: 491 lbs (switched back to pounds. The boys at UPS, where I now do my weighing, said if I weighed myself in tons I wouldn’t be able to see any improvement.

Chatto Gets Worked Over

Still getting over this, but I thought I’d share it with you anyway. Chatto and I were at the Whole Foods yesterday night when some guy elbows his way over to the ice cream freezer (I’d strayed from the tofu aisle). This guy says to Chatto, “Move over, samosa,” and Chatto says, “Says who?” and the guy says, “You who.” Chatto doesn’t move, and that’s when I roll in. The guy obviously didn’t know who I was. I say, “Step off, brother.” He says, “Beat it, fatty.” I say, “Do you even know who I am?” He says to his friend, who’s just showed up, “Yeah, you’re the guy that ate my car.” They both thought this was funny, and I really don’t think they knew who I was. Chatto steps in at this point (he actually puts himself in between my cart and the Ben and Jerry’s) and the first guy gives him a shove. Naturally, I refrain from violence. Chatto’s got his feathers up. He spits. Meanwhile, I’ve already motored up the cart and am preparing for our getaway and the next thing I know Chatto’s in the ice cream freezer! The horrible thing was that with the Siegal Cart’s wrap-around hood, I couldn’t reach him. I motored over to the security check-point but the booth was empty. By the time I motored back Chatto was laid out in the spice aisle.

By the way, I just started out on the Slim Form Patch, which I found out too late are inedible. Otherwise, have been sticking to a Marmite Diet (Sylvester Stallone, and about half a million English dieters, swears by this).

Yesterday’s Meals:
Breakfast
Sausage and Sticky Marmite Onion Butty (this is 8 beef sausages, 2 large onions, 1 tsp of Marmite, serves 4 . . . 21 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Crispy Pork Squares with Marmite Crème Fraiche Dip and Apple Sauce (12 points)

Lunch
Panfried Seabass with Soft Potato and Spicy Spring Onion Marmite Dressing (14 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Marmite Popovers with Bacon & Cheese (8 points)

Dinner
Cheddar Marmite Pasta with Parma Ham and Rocket, Marmite Bloody Mary, Coffee Ice Cream with Chocolate Marmite Sauce for desert (26 points)

Midnight Snack
Box Slim Form Patches (1 point)

My weight: .22226 tons

Bi-Planing with Solomon

Solomon Burke’s a fan of Queen, and he’s a Fischer & Paykel man. These are just a few of the interesting tidbits I found out about my old friend on Friday. I suppose bi-planes bring out intimacies we usually keep locked up in our ‘worlds of one’. Very happy to have had our chat, and it didn’t even matter that we didn’t get too much flying in. None at all, if you’re a hairsplitter, because we didn’t manage to lift off. Solomon did make a few trips up and down the runway and a few more laps of the surrounding vicinity. Beautiful country around San Clemente by the way.

Solomon also helped me a great deal in the scale department. Solomon actually suggested (and why I hadn’t thought of something like this earlier I don’t know) I get a throne. He says he’s been using thrones for his shows for years now and that there’s no reason I couldn’t combine a throne with a scale. And guess what? There isn’t! After we started rapping, a bunch of ideas came out.

Here’s the gist: 1) I’m going to have my throne designed for stage performances but it will be a mobile throne so I can use it at home too; 2) my throne is going to have a built-in industrial scale; 3) my throne is going to have a built-in refrigerator, slide-out dinner tray and drink holder; 4) my throne will have a total weight capacity of 5,000 lbs and a maximum speed of 35 mph; 5) I will autograph one of the tires; 6) Chatto will also have a throne but his won’t be mobile; 7) Chatto’s throne will also have a built-in refrigerator; 7) Gary (who just made bail) is allowed to use Chatto’s throne when Chatto isn’t using it; 8) Eric Roberts may not use either my or Chatto’s throne for the time being (he burned out the engine on my cookiemobile the night before).

And, finally, as I know many of you are wondering: So, did he really make it for seven whole days? The answer is yes! I completed my fast, breaking all my previous records, and celebrated at the stroke of 6 a.m. Friday morning with a feast that lasted until yesterday at midnight.

Post-Fast Feast (Highlights, sans point values)
Friday Breakfast
Shoney’s Breakfast Buffet (6:00-11:59 p.m.)

Friday Lunch
Shoney’s Complete Buffet (12:01-4:30 p.m. . . . Breakfast items included)

Saturday Dinner
Sweet Potato and Pork Rind Marathon (Chatto’s idea, if you can believe it. I won.)

Sunday Lunch
King Ming’s Pu Pu Platters

My weight: 486 lbs

Burger King Reunion

Heard from my Burger King family back in Detroit a few days ago. To be honest, I really hadn’t thought about my Burger King days for ages, and had almost forgotten that I’d actually worked there in the 60s, but was touched all the same to hear that they’d invited me to the reunion. Flew out with Chatto early yesterday morning.

Cleetus (see above) hasn’t aged a day, and he’s still on shakes. Was also happy to hear he’d beaten that 7-11 rap. (They’d busted him for grinning at his reflection and held him on suspicion of spilling a box of eggs). I guess mostly I was just happy to be around folks who don’t judge you for what you’ve achieved in life. Had a hard time explaining to the gang why I couldn’t eat my usual though (ask anyone in Detroit who can eat 4 Double Whoppers while spinning on his head and they’ll still tell you Seagal) and left a little disappointed.

Apropos of long-lost achievements, I was requested by the IMDB people to renew my mini-bio since (so they say) no one can accurately identify me with the information currently listed. Worked with Eric Roberts for most of the night yesterday and we came up with this:

Date of Birth

10 April 1951, Lansing, Michigan, USA

Birth Name

Moses F. Pinschel

Nickname

The Great One

Lord Steven

Tubby

Height

6' 4" (1.93 m)

Weight

476 lbs

Mini Biography

Steven Seagal is a striking and somewhat boyishly handsome (often with clip-on ponytail) and impeccably dressed former action star who burst onto the martial arts film scene in 1988 in the fast-paced Warner Bros. musical, Shiver Me Timbers (1988). The enigmatic, boyishly portly Seagal commenced his martial arts training at the age of two under the tutelage of well known karate instructor Hal Otis, and in the 1960s commenced his aikido training in Orange County, California, under the instruction of Peter Fonda. Seagal moved to Japan to further his martial arts training in 1974. After spending many years there honing his knowledge of Japanese cuisine, he achieved the rank of 7th dan and became a celebrity masseur in Los Angeles where he came to the attention of Tito Jackson.

Seagal's debut movie, Shiver Me Timbers (1988), was wildly received by most of his family. He followed up with Lawful Imposure (1988) and another slam-bang thriller, Hard to Watch (1990), as a gunned-down cop who revives from a coma with a fear of salami. The movie also starred Seagal's wife at the time, puff-lipped Kelly LeBrock, who was married to him from 1987 to 1987 and is the mother of three of his children, Foxtrot, Santos and Tito (named after his former benefactor). A string of not so critically acclaimed movies followed, by which time Seagal was on his way to his current enormous yet dexterous shape, and his next movie, the big-budgeted Under Siege (1992) starring best man Tommy Lee Jones and best friend, Gary Busey, impressed audiences in Colombo, Sri Lanka, so much that a statue of Seagal in his chef’s hat was put up next to the downtown YMCA.

Seagal's fighting style was rather different from that of other on-screen martial arts dynamos, notably Chuck Norris. Seagal carried himself differently too, due to the progressively debilitating stress imposed on his lower leg muscles by his defining bulk, and often appears these days in an eight-door motorized cart courtesy of Dr. Siegal, the cookie maven. Generally, Seagal prefers loose fitting robes.

As his box office drawing power failed, Seagal began to influence his film projects to reflect his personal and spiritual beliefs, especially concerning the abuse of the environment. He appeared as a Native American shaman who turns against the corrupt CEO (played by Michael Caine) in On My Back (1994); in Fire Down Fire Up (1997) he plays an ox, and in the slow-moving Flugelmeyer’s Dilemma (1998) a talking garbage dump posing ethical questions to illegal dumpers.

Action fans struggled to come to terms with Seagal’s dramatic weight gain in the 1990s; however, Seagal's box office clout remained fairly strong, and more traditional chop-suey projects followed with the "big cop small cop" film The Glimmer Man (1996), then almost a cameo role as a talking seal alongside CIA analyst Kurt Russell, before Seagal got stuck in a jet at 35,000 feet in The Executive Lunch (1996).

Unbeknownst to many, in 1997 Seagal publicly announced that one of his Buddhist teachers, His Holiness H.H. Penor Rinpoche, had accorded him the status of a tulku, the reincarnation of Buddhist Lama, Chundrag Dorje, another heavy eater. Deceitfully, this status was revoked last week for reasons no Buddhist would condone.

While his box-office appeal has somewhat declined from his halcyon blockbusters of the mid-'90s, Seagal still has a very loyal fan base in most of the ex-Soviet Republics where video cassettes are still available and is currently looking for someone to back his latest film ideas: Multiple Exit Wounds, The Hustler and I Am Genghis Khan.

Spouse

Several

Trade Marks

Pony Tail

High-octane fat

Jowls

Piggy eyes

Trivia

Is the first foreigner ever to own and operate a Popeye’s restaurant in Japan. Known as “Take Shigemichi”, or “He Ate That?”, he was also the first known human to eat an entire raw tuna.

Is a big fan of lox.

Owns a Fischer & Paykel 7160.

His Current Weight: 480 lbs