Goran Otix, Top Genghis Expert, Joins Genghis Team

Image of the day: Headless Teddy Bear, a gift from Chuck Norris

Received positive correspondence from Brad Pitt yesterday afternoon. Brad said he’d be happy to contribute Michael Jackson’s surviving animals to the Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo but that he’d already been advised by John Voigt to put them up on eBay in separate bids. From what I understood from the letter, the down payments on Never Land aren’t cheap and the Pitts are welcoming any extra income they can make from the sale of Michael’s movable assets. Further, I understood, Bryan Adams has also expressed an interest in Michael Jackson’s animals. To get the ball rolling, Manuel has already ordered our piglets, so this particular habitat should be up and running by the end of next week.

Actually, my feeding schedule has been so hectic these past few days I haven’t had much time to devote to my business or artistic affairs. Serene Warrior Hair Relaxer is doing well in Juba, Chatto tells me, and my VHS sales are up in Baku. Songs from the Crystal Cave is still topping the charts in Kishinev and Don’t Mess with the Fat Man has been nominated for an ‘inspired lyrics’ award in Derbent. And fabulous news: I finally heard back from Goran Otix, perhaps the world’s leading authority on Genghis Khan’s dietary habits, and have convinced him to work with us as our historical advisor. In return, I have agreed to put him up at the ranch in a room of his own (with laboratory facilities) for a month. Mr. Otix, if you don’t know him already, is the author of such classics as Beef Patties Under the Saddle, Feasts After Slaughter, The Closing of the Oriental Mind, Late Dinners with Genghis, A Journey Through Ancient Mongolian Cuisine, and is the editor of the Notable Tyrants: What They Ate and How series. So I was thrilled (and honored) to hear that he will be flying in from Bucharest to assist me on this endeavor.

In the meantime, in keeping with Dr. Baswabi’s advice, I’m not moving. Have taken up crochet with Gary in the meanwhile, a wonderful and relaxing activity that requires minimal exertions and is great for the those rarely exercised hand muscles. Gary, by the way, has asked me to refer to him from now on, not only for the purposes of the blog but in general, as Busey. So Busey is my crochet partner.

Finally, I received an odd package from Chuck Norris (see image of the day) to commemorate my passing of the 525-lb mark, and don’t know what to make of it. The fact that Chuck knew I’d taken up crochet at all leads me to suspect that we have a weasel at the ranch. But who? I’m currently working on a list.

Dieting-wise, I’ve reached an impasse with my pig feeds. I was shocked to learn from Goran Otix that Genghis Khan was not, in fact, the big grain eater I’d been led to believe. In other words, I’ve been taken in (and should have known better than to trust everything I read on-line) but I’m still stuck with the following mass quantities of starter and grower feeds (and plan to finish the job, as always, before moving on to another, more Genghis-like, diet):

27 tons Alphamune
32 liquid tons Stockmol 20
15 tons PROVIMI 66 Pure Fish Meal
10 tons Tenter and Fisk’s Barley Feed for Hind Gut Development
27 tons ViraMatrix Feed
49 tons Park Tonks Ltd. Pig Breakfast

Yesterday’s Meals (unless otherwise indicated ‘a trough’ of dry feed means 320 lbs and fluctuates between 120-150 points. Liquid feed values impossible to calculate):

Breakfast
1 ½ troughs Park Tonks Pig Breakfast (for nutritional values see
Geghis Khan and the High Carb Revolution)

Mid-Morning Snack
Apple slivers (1 point)

Lunch
2 troughs ViraMatrix Feed

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Stockmol 20, 30-minute feed

Dinner
2 troughs PROVIMI 66 Pure Fish Meal, ½ trough Alphamune

Periodic Feast
Omelet Tent Competition (not as preposterous as Manuel made it sound at first. The winner, Manuel again, had to design a tent made out of his favorite omelet, lie down in it and then eat it from the inside out. Eric Roberts took a notable mention for a whopper of a Denver omelet that unfortunately crumbled as he was crawling inside. Busey didn’t compete in this one. My omelet was actually bigger than Manuel’s but the door was too narrow so I ate it from the outside and was disqualified.)

My Weight: 448 lbs