Pumpkin Pie Face-Off: Seagal vs. Uribe

Image of the day: Unidentified Cretin with Two Pumpkin Pies

My shipment of sushi pillows arrived yesterday afternoon by DHL. Was very annoyed to discover that you can’t actually eat sushi pillows, though I tried and failed. This didn’t stop Manuel, who actually managed to consume his edamame mattress and two of my hamachi head pillows in one sitting. Still waiting for my edible recliner and three-piece sofa from Max Lamb. My microlipids from NeoFat have been tracked and will arrive in time for the weekend.

I suppose the news of the week, though, is that preproduction on I Am Genghis Khan is all wrapped up. Due to financial considerations I will be shooting this picture in my basement, not in Ulaanbaatar as I’d originally planned. Have changed the script a bit because of this last-minute change, and have added on a role for Manuel. Manuel is going to play my chariot driver, Pikpus Khan.

Pumpkin diet working exceptionally well. Apropos of pumpkin foods, Manuel taught me how to double-fist pumpkin pies yesterday. I didn’t realize this at first because his eating habits are wide-ranging and seemingly erratic, but Manuel is quite the innovator. After we got going, Manuel suggested we stage a contest right then and there. The pebble garden, he convinced me, would be ideal for any contest that pitted man against pie, and he was right. Preparations were made immediately and our face-off was one for the record books. In all fairness to my own devouring power, I’ve got to say that Manuel’s feeding technique borders on genius. Here is a brief recap, including highlights, of our chow down in the pebble garden.

Early Rounds:

Going straight from Manuel’s demonstration of his double-fisting technique, we each polished off a third pie singly and with ease. When we started in on our fourth and fifth simultaneously eaten pies, respectively, Manuel showed signs of nausea and fatigue. I took this as a green light for a brutal offensive and ravaged my sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth pies mercilessly with strategic emphasis placed on the ninth. And that’s when I noticed, to my delight, that Manuel was about to pass out. Just as I set into my tenth (and what I thought would be my victory) pie, Manuel popped back into life in full-force and knocked back 12 double-fisted pies in under 3 minutes, putting him ahead by 7.

Middle Rounds:
Seagal: 6
Uribe: 14

Final Rounds:
Seagal: 8
Uribe: 19

Final Count:
Seagal: 24 pies
Uribe: 50 pies

Unanimous Decision: Uribe

The pumpkin pie eat-off began as a mid-morning snack and lasted until midnight, and was staged in various locations throughout the Seagal grounds. At midnight, when it was clear that I would never catch up no matter how many pies I ate, Chatto blew the whistle and ruled in favor of Manuel, and then we finished off Manuel’s doggy bag from Wheezy Jack’s Crab Shack.

Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast
Pumpkins stuffed with Scrambled Eggs, Cheddar and Peeps, Sidral Mundet Apple Soda (an amazing idea and I owe this one to Manuel. 2 pumpkins X 32 points = 64 points)

Mid-Morning Snack — Dinner (all primary and secondary meals included)
Pumpkin Pie Eating Contest (24 pies X (roughly) 35 points, which does not include the whipped cream = 840 points*)

Pre-breakfast Option
Manuel Uribe’s Doggy Bag (a scant 21 points)

My weight: 511 lbs

*indicates point value made by calculator. All other point values calculated by Chatto.