'Seagal Breaks Record in Weight Class'

This little extract from the Bangalore Free Press lifted my spirits this morning:

Legendary martial artist and funny fat man breaks previous record for 400 lb-and-over fasting, March 3, 2008: Steven Seagal of Hollywood, CA, who beat the current fasting record held by the late Sir Nicholas Hastings of Derbyshire, UK, last night, says he is ‘depriving his body for world peace and self purification, and a possible endorsement from KGW’. The boyishly handsome superstar who had shattered world records for unplanned weight gain in the past has been surviving on two glasses of warm water per day since Friday of last week. No indications of weight loss reported yet.

Seagal is the disciple of Suman Muni and Ramesh Muni, who are currently the office bearers of the Vardhman Sthanakwasi Jain Shravak Sangh, but says that “spirituality and corporeality are really just two sides of the same coin”, a saying he attributes to mentor Ray Kroc.

Looking a bit bloated and showing traces of hunger but appearing relaxed, Seagal expressed happiness that the fast was going as well as it was. Half an hour after drinking his last glass of water, he started sweating, which, he said, showed ‘signs of success’.

A firm believer that through fasting one can attain a state of self-realization, Seagal told The Bangalore Free Press in an interview earlier this week (after completing 13 minutes of fasting), “I am fasting to break free from my Karmic bonds and spread the message of Bhagwan Mahaveer”.

A panel of 11 doctors and 3 UPS pallet loaders attending on him including Dr CR Chellani, Dr Agadi, Dr Ramakrishnappa, Dr Prakash Munot and Dr Praveen Kochar said that Seagal’s body temperature and blood pressure were normal. “His senses are good and vital organs are found to be functioning normally. There has been a rather dramatic rise in weight,” they said. Only UPS’s Paul Rynarsky expressed doubts.

Starting rigorous penance and meditation in 1973, Seagal’s first fast began three years later and lasted 7 minutes. Last year, he created a record in his weight class when he fasted for 25 minutes and 6 seconds in an Olive Garden in Escondido.

Though the superstar is not interested in getting his name entered in the Guinness Book of World Records, Seagal’s houseboy, Chatto Rangpore of Staten Island, NY, said that he had already approached the Guinness management and was hopeful of gaining entry for his Sensei.

by Nagdash Kahore (co-written with Eric Schworsky)

Not much more to report. Have held off on my scale purchase for the time being. No use being rash. Talked to Peter DeLuise yesterday and convinced him to lend me Dom’s old scale for the time being. What else? On Friday, Solomon Burke has invited me to go bi-planing at his ranch in San Clemente. Will see what Solomon has to suggest in the line of industrial scales. Otherwise, sending Gary care packages in the LA lock-up, where the LA Times says ‘he is entertaining guards and fellow criminals alike with his Mighty Joe Young impersonation’. Will have to remember to add Fixodent to my list. Until tomorrow . . .

My weight: 465 lbs