Preparations for a Fast

Carted out to the Whole Foods today (25 minutes when you make all the lights) but my cart didn’t fit through the doors. I didn’t fit through the doors either (was a little irritated about this) so sent Chatto in on his cart. Maybe I haven’t mentioned this but Dr. Siegal’s people supplied this extra cart on request at no extra charge. They’re great folks. The F&P people could learn a thing or two from them. We were originally thinking about a sidecar option but when I found out that Chuck Norris and his houseboy travel this way I was totally put off the idea. Anyway, Chatto did fit in the doors and stocked up on all my pre-fast favorites but Chatto’s cart, we soon realized, hardly has any truck space. Talk about bad chi! In the meantime I’d worked up an appetite waiting there watching all those bags go by, not to mention the ham-and-cheese croissants and spinach-and-feta quiches at the sidewalk café, so I headed across the street to Finicky Waffles, which has a drive-thru window, and had a deuce of Belgians with light whipped cream washed down with an excellent mocha cappuccino (marvelous foam) and a deuce of Belgians with no whipped cream, and then headed back across the street when . . . my batteries ran out! I wasn’t ‘in’ the intersection but the Siegal cart is an eight-door so I was pretty much blocking the whole westbound side. The boys in blue called the boys in red and they had the fire crane all set to go when . . . more bad chi on the way . . . I couldn’t get out! I blame the gas bubbles in the cappuccino for that. Anyway, to make a long and painful story short, the closest on-duty army reserve unit was in Sacramento and it would have taken forever, so a young firefighter, Brad Sarajevo, (I promised I’d mention him) called the auto body shop down the street and they got me out with an acetylene torch and a few tubs of margarine. Tough work but it paid off in the end because there was a new Mongolian place opposite the body shop, Genghis Kebabs (plug!), and we all had a feast. The boys from Engine 117 were kind enough to tow me back to the ranch on condition that I gave them each an autographed poster of Eric Roberts in The Coca Cola Kid.

On the dieting front, have decided to embark on a week-long fast, Friday to Friday, two weeks before Gu Jamp, the Buddhist Week of Purification. Doctor Baswabi recommended I try out this ‘hardcore’ dieting technique since my weight hasn’t stabilized yet. I don’t consider this a ‘dieting technique’ at all but if it works that’s fine with me. The secret to a proper fast, for those of you who have never done it, is to glut the organism to the point of spiritual satiety (this is a Buddhist term) so that the soul can then survive on the stored calories of the body. If you don’t get it, just think of it as a elevator that has a week to get to the 55^th floor. Ride it empty and you’re there in no time (and have missed the whole point) but load it down with plenty of fatty this and fatty that and you’re golden.

Finally, in answer to Bud ‘Muscle Head’ Coogan’s three-part question posted on my official website yesterday: “Does Chuck Norris really need 25 body guards to defend himself? Did Chuck Norris pinch your ears? Are you really that fat?”, the answers are: Probably not, but he has them (and it was 20, not 25). Yes. So to speak. Hope that’s been some help and send me some chi to get through my fast preparations.

Yesterday's Meals
Breakfast
Urum (nothing more than clotted cream), Khailmag (caramelized Urum), Boozul (fried Khailmag), Huvgash (Boozul topped with melted lamb fat) (17 points)

Mid-morning snack
Mongolian sausage links, Eezgii (basically a plate of fried cheese but you don’t have to think of it that way, 22 points)

Lunch
Belgian waffles (2 and 2), gassy cappuccino, Genghis Kebabs for 2 plus leftovers from Engine 117, residual margarine (23 points)

Mid-afternoon snack
Khorkhog (This is traditionally mutton cooked on hot stones in a container but works just as well with pork, or both, 15 points)

Dinner
Goat Boodog (Again, traditionally a marmot or goat dish, cooked on hot stones in the stomach, and again, can be substituted with lamb, pork or both), Lamb Boodog, Pork Boodog, Goat stomach, hot stones (33 points)

Midnight Snack
2 All-purpose Kublai Khan Victory Platters (I’m not bragging, they dared me)

My weight: 442 lbs