A Difficult Day

Was in and out of various labs for most of this morning and yesterday (and have been asked not to reveal anything as of yet). I’ll just say that I’ve apparently run into some trouble here at the clinic. Other than a brief acquaintance with Inuit healing techniques for blubber-induced dyspepsia and some Buddhist feasting chants, I’m a complete novice when it comes to the complications resulting from misapplied colonic irrigations, so don’t know how to describe my condition other than to say that I am now preposterously and indelibly bloated. Dr. Rangou hasn’t given an official medical diagnosis yet but he thinks it could be ‘hydrocolloidal liposis’ triggered by ‘over-stimulation of the colon and sphincter’. Dr. Rangou seems to feel that the constant flushing has somehow aggravated my fat tissues, and the ‘liposis’ while not natural is more of a bother than a ‘medical condition’. Still, I’ve gained 5 lbs since last night’s weighing.

Was under Dr. Rangou’s photosynthetic heat lamps for most of the morning, to stimulate the nutrients in my blood stream, as I understand it, a sort of crack force of herbal trace elements, enzymes and dormant proteins that with any luck will march right in against my ‘fat matter’ and the aggressive water build-ups therein. I was a given 12 oz. of the doctor’s alpine fennel tonic, Farmosan, and then irrigated with it. I lunched on vitamins and yeast. Then I was given a private massage by Dr. Rangou’s Head Masseur, Julian. Because of the excessive bloating, Julian said, my muscles were well-cushioned and hence untraceable at the moment, and I was taken to a small field and Julian rolled me over warm coals for an hour or so. Following that, I was rubbed with grapefruit juice and told to lay motionless for the rest of the afternoon. And on top of all this, Mr. Cardoza, a permanent resident of La Presse en Cordille, has accused me of stealing and eating his breakfast tubers! So what more can I say? Did notice that President Papadopoulos of Cyprus checked himself in this morning, along with Greg Louganis, an old friend, and his houseboy, Mustapha. Otherwise, am making do. Am hungry. Miss my pebble garden. My enemas and have been discontinued until Dr. Rangou processes his results, and Chatto is Kelvins' new enema buddy. Thank you for your patience and enjoy yesterday’s meals.

Yesterday’s Meals
Breakfast
Tritophan, morning enema (0 points)

Mid-Morning snack
Brewer’s yeast (1 point)

Lunch
Mixed tubers, bayberry, time-released arginine, afternoon enema (2 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Glass soy milk (3 points)

Dinner
Kelp, alpine fennel tonic, Questran, Premarin, evening (and final) enema (2 points)

My weight: 408 lbs