Coffee Enemas, Dieting and Premature Ejaculation: Some Advice from Sensei

I haven’t felt better since Under Siege, and I owe it all to my DIY Coffee Enema. And since I’ve been getting a lot of questions from my friends at Something Awful about enemas and premature ejaculation, I figured I would start with my fan mail. First, premature ejaculation. No, Orgophorex and El Jonso (hope I got the names right this time), I don’t see any reason why enemas can’t improve your sexual performance. There is, of course, plenty of evidence to support this. Number two, judging from what you both told me about your hectic schedules at Kinko’s, you’re likely to be eating ‘on the run’ or at least not giving your bodies the nutrients they deserve. And this, as you say, will definitely impact your scrotum negatively. I myself practice Tantric Yoga, and have for years, so I’ve never ‘ejaculated in my pants just thinking about my favorite website.' A diet, and a cleansed colon, will alleviate nervousness, stress, pre-performance anxiety AND balance out your sexual energy. Which brings us to enemas. A DIY Coffee Enema, or any other DIY enema, works better when you have a second party administering it. I don’t want to go into the details here, but for obvious reasons it’s better to have a friend or partner on hand. Now, you’ve mentioned that because you both live with your mothers, you’re a little anxious about bringing an enema into your house. Well, don’t be. Talk it through with your mothers, and who knows, you might just explain your ‘problem’ (what are the chances that they don’t know anyway?) and ask them to administer your enema for you. An enema isn’t only physical, it’s a spiritual journey to the very bottom of your existence, so don’t think about the mess and start thinking about your chi.

In other news, my cleansing diet is working so well I’ve decided to keep to it, and I encourage the rest of you midnight snackers out there to give it a try. I will try to put up links to various sea greens and colonic irrigation websites. In the meanwhile, since I don’t want to bore you with a repeat of yesterday’s meals, I’ve asked Tito Jackson to be today’s Guest Dieter and to share with us his thoughts on dieting. Tito said:

“Steve, you the man. You the best. You so damn fat and you still trying.”

Thanks, Tito. Tito has been kind enough to share yesterday’s meals with us.

Yesterday’s Meals (Tito Jackson)
Breakfast
40 oz. King Cobra Malt Liquor, Twinkie (14 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
40 oz. King Cobra Malt Liquor (11 points)

Lunch
32 oz. King Cobra Malt Liquor, 3 oz. Sevruga caviar (14 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
40 oz. King Cobra Malt Liquor (11 points)

Dinner
Assorted smack with 8 oz. King Cobra Malt Liquor (found in open bottle near recycling bin) and half a bottle of Courvoisier VSOP (22 points?)

Midnight Snack
Pussy (0 points)

Tito had this to say about his meals: “SHIT, man.”

Not the healthiest of diets, but dieting isn’t just about eating what you ‘think’ your body needs. It’s also about exploring what you ‘want’ your body to eat, and, of course, striking a balance between them. I would probably put this down as a ‘shock therapy’. Thanks again, Tito.

My weight: 386 lbs