Googling

Video of the day: colonic irrigation

Found myself with the google bug yesterday. If you’ve never had it, count yourself lucky. A few interesting things: 1) I’m more popular than I thought; 2) I’m more popular than Jean-Claude Van Damme and Bubba Smith put together; 3) You can find me almost everywhere. This is what I mean. Just type in any of the following and you will find a link to me: ‘musical lardass’, ‘bloated Buddhist’, ‘vegetarian meat platter’, ‘clip-on ponytail’, ‘robe doesn’t fit’, ‘slow-motion karate chop’, ‘tubby has-been’, ‘washed-up celebrity’, ‘obese martial arts celebrity’, ‘washed-up, obese martial arts celebrity’, ‘dump truck ass’, ‘wig staples’, ‘voodoo vomit’, ‘flatulence and martial arts’, ‘fat sack’, ‘lethargic chowhound’, ‘preposterous garbage heap’, ‘gastric nirvana’, ‘dripping jowls’, ‘mojo feast’, ‘corpulent fighter’, ‘raw meat meditation’, ‘ate his mobile phone’, ‘unpaid alimony’, ‘midnight snack addiction,’ ‘energy drink no-go’, ‘blue cheese endorsement perks’, ‘Moldovan superstar’, ‘couldn’t find any clothes that fit him in Moldova’, ‘he rules in Kazakhstan’, ‘South Ossetian potato pancake,’ ‘filled his pants at mafia hearing’, ‘Pashtun fan base’, ‘Fischer & Paykel people’, ‘McDonalds’ (you might have to look a while but I’m there), ‘Haagan Dazs’ (the same), ‘Big Bell Value Meal diet’, ‘Dunkin Donuts binge’, ‘battered steak therapy’, ‘houseboy with refrigerator password’, ‘Buddhist water garden’, ‘best friend to Gary Busey’, ‘tubing and snacks’, ‘tubing and delis’, ‘deli tubing’, ‘Shinjuku robe’, ‘boiled Toro’, and many, many more. Undertook a reassessment of my efforts to date and realized that, at the rate I am currently expanding, I would not only NOT fit into my Shinjuku robe by early spring, but that I wouldn’t be able to fit half of me into my Shinjuku robe. In other words, I haven’t managed to ‘reduce my physical presence’ (please see mission statement) as expected. For this and other reasons I have agreed, with Chatto and Gary’s support (and financial assistance), to check myself into a colonic clinic in the Swiss Alps next weekend, La Presse en Cordille, which is run by a certain Dr. V. Rangou, the world’s leading authority on many poorly known eating disorders, including SLCD (Spontaneous Lipocemic Control Deficiency). According to Dr. Rangou’s literature, SLCD is ‘spontaneous and inexplicable weight gain due to fat cell ‘intruders’ which target healthy cells and recruit them for the vilest of missions,’ etc. The only known cure for this disease is periodic daylong enemas administered by experts, accompanied by a strict regimen of legumes, nut oils and local peppercorns. Final note: Started reading Abe Minlow and Benjamin Grimm’s ‘Period Feasting and its Benefits on the Colon’ (a difficult read) and Rick Lutey’s ‘The Moveable Midnight Snack’, the latter having impressed me immensely. I decided, after reading Lutey’s chapter on ‘the strategic placement of snacks’, to eat yesterday’s midnight snack within two hours of dinner and call it my ‘after-dinner snack’, thus attacking my addiction on two fronts, the psychological and the physiological.

Yesterday’s Meals
Breakfast
Low-cal turkey and ham frittata (5 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Hot cottage cheese with cinnamon powder and Splenda (5 points)

Lunch
Nasturtian salad with mint yogurt dressing (5 points)
Mid-Afternoon Snack
Steamed soy bok choy (I eat this cold in 4 oz. pre-packed portions, 4 points)

Dinner
Roast turkey breast with pancetta, rosemary and garlic, mixed seasonal fruits (8 points)

After-Dinner Snack
Box of Hostess Ho Ho’s smothered in Tartar sauce, bag of Pez

Midnight Snack
1 (only!) Mocha Krembo

My weight: 382 lbs???