The Hustler

Was on the phone with Gary and Eric Roberts most of yesterday and actually almost skipped lunch, I was so worked up. These guys actually think that just because they’ve agreed to put up the money for my re-make of The Hustler they will have the final say. For obvious reasons I have selected this film as my ‘comeback’ film (and one that will put my God-given directorial talents to the test). Obvious for five reasons: 1) it is a sexy film; 2) I believe I can deliver the emotional impact that was originally lacking in the Newman-Laurie version; 3) I will not get my fingers broken; 4) neither Gary or Eric know how to play pool or direct 5) I have already written the screenplay. Now, keeping that in mind, I would naturally play Fast Eddie (or so I thought) — sexy, emotional, no fingers broken, etc., that’s me. Here is what Gary and Eric had to say about this at the teleconference: I can’t play the Newman character because no matter how perfect I might be for the part, where on earth would they find someone to play Minnesota Fats? (understand here, ‘a Minnesota Fats FATTER than Steven Seagal’). And you think you know people, you think you have ‘friends’. Will keep you posted. Otherwise, not too much to report. Another hectic week of touring with Thunderbox on the horizon. As soon as we hear back from our Pashtun friends in Waziristan, it looks like we’re off again! Tomorrow is Chatto’s birthday, by the way, and I’ve bought him a Shinjuku robe of his own with a little ornamental sword. Hopefully, Gary (can’t count on him for much these days) will stop by with Banroot, as he usually does on Chatto’s birthday, for two-on-two croquet in the pebble garden.

On the dieting front, the cleansing routine has lent a new luster to my complexion and my stools have never been better. Chatto says my jowls are less meaty-looking. Received a fax from Dr. Rangou detailing my arrangements at La Presse en Cordille, and the name of my roommate, an Englishmen named Kelvins. Kelvins, Dr. Rangou tells me, has been to the clinic seven times to date, and so knows the ropes. Naturally, I wasn’t expecting to have a roommate, but Dr. Rangou assured me by e-mail that by the end of the week we’d have so much experience in enema giving and administering that we wouldn’t even need a trained nurse. Hence, Kelvins, my ‘enema buddy’. I look forward to meeting him. Had originally asked David Hasselhoff to be today’s Guest Dieter, but the Hoff called late last night to tell me that he hadn’t really eaten anything yesterday because he hadn’t really left his bed yesterday. He told me to tell my readers, “Hello, from the Hoff.” So, Hello from the Hoff, and enjoy my cleansing diet.

Yesterday's Meals
Breakfast
Deep fried lettuce (4 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Ayurveda Rejuvenating Tonic, Ayurveda Rejuvenating Brownies (7 points)

Lunch
Cup of tea, 600 mg Calcium Pantothenate (0 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
4 wakame wafers (it actually felt more like 1, 3 points)

Dinner
Creamed Algae with Seagreens Wild Seaweed Food Capsule (2 points)

After Dinner Snack
DIY Coffee Cake (6 points)

My weight: 391 lbs