More Movie News: I Am Genghis Khan

Finally had a script-reading session with the provisional cast of I am Genghis Khan, my latest project, and one which I owe my friends in Kazakhstan (Imru, that means you, Fertu, you too, and Ms. Irinkova) for arranging the backing. They were also the ones who convinced me that, from all the testimony recorded of Genghis Khan’s life, the great warlord had in fact fattened up towards the end of his reign, which makes me feel a little better about portraying him in the first-ever musical about his life. Since I’m a big fan of Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto and know that the film’s success owed a lot to its being filmed in an indecipherable language, we’ve decided to shoot the whole thing in Ancient Kalmyk. I’m somewhat less thrilled about having to ride a long-haired Kasmir pony (Gary’s idea), but since this was Khan’s favored mode of transportation and since I’m one-eighth Kalmyk, I figure I’ll manage. Even so, can’t wait to start filming! Just waiting for Mr. Minch to get back (a two-film contract is always tricky and we’re still waiting on Multiple Exit Wounds). So far this is what I have: Mandy Patinkin will play the Dagur warlord, Beytullah; Alison Pes (License for Brutality, Palpable Lust, Pests, etc.) will play his consort, Sesh. Larry Brenner (They Came from a Crevice, King Sin, Dirty Father Tinney) will play my trusted ambassador to the Goths, Itu Khan, and Gary will play my man-at-arms, Orglu Bey Khan, though he has requested to speak his parts in Imperial Prussian. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

Just a note on a message I received yesterday from Don the Dragon. About eBay chi meters (or anything you order from eBay) you’re absolutely right, I wouldn’t trust them to work properly. I’ve got a great dealer in Tibet who is reliable and gives you a two-year money back guarantee. Can’t beat that. On the other hand, if you’re not ready to invest in a chi meter yet but want to measure your chi on a daily basis and, as you accurately point out, don’t want to ask friends, there is a formula (I’m sitting now; otherwise, I’d find it for you) roughly along the lines of: will power/body weight = chi. In other words, your chi is connected directly to your body weight, in that a man of my ambient girth would need a significantly higher will power to body weight ratio to get my chi circulating. Or you can just estimate. The great thing about my chi meter, though, is that it comes with a 60-day supply of spray-on chi. When I’m feeling low or lethargic or have eaten a particularly devastating main or auxiliary meal, the spray-on chi works miracles, and it comes in a variety of flavors. Hope that helps.

Finally, as many of you know, I’m on my way to the Swiss Alps tomorrow. Can’t wait to meet Dr. Rangou and Kelvins, my enema buddy, and the rest of the staff. And really can’t wait to have a first-class meal on Lufthansa! Will be there for five days and then Chatto and I will perform a selection of Irwin Levine’s Negro Spirituals and Field Hollers at a nearby Elderhostel lodge. Will inform you of my progress on Monday. Until then, yesterday’s meals.

Yesterday's Meals:
Breakfast
Deep fried pancakes, hold the pancakes (not as bad as it sounds, but rough going down. I was out of organic buckwheat anyway and hate eating pancakes from a box AND canola grease is a natural diuretic, 8 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Arby’s Combo Meal (15 points)

Lunch
5 Meatballs and 3 Meatballs (15 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
2 boxes Double-Stuffed Oreos (15 points, give or take 90 in either direction)

Dinner
Assortment of homemade mayonnaise sandwiches (20 points)

After Dinner Snack
My patio

My weight: 401 lbs