Exercise Do’s and Don’ts

Got a very nice e-mail from Chuck Norris yesterday afternoon; happy we’ve patched things up. Was surprised to hear that Chuck not only had the same idea about remaking The Hustler but that he’s putting the wraps on his first Broadway musical, Mezuzah! Anyway, Chuck and I fell into a conversation about exercising, and I realized that among my various spiritual, martial arts and artistic writings, there was absolutely nothing on the subject of exercise. I guess I’d just never really sat down and taken the time to do it. As it turns out, our chat couldn’t have come at a better time (I happened to be down with a bad case of lumbago yesterday, so was sitting down for most of the day anyway), and here is what I came up with. I call them, provisionally, ‘Sensei’s 10 Points For a More Toned You’.

1. DO NOT exercise directly after (30 min. to 1 hour is a safe bet) eating a major meal or any auxiliary meals, including but not limited to mid-morning, mid-lunch, after-lunch, mid-afternoon, pre-dinner, after-dinner, midnight (or any I might have left out). This is obvious and needs no further elucidation.

2. DO NOT exercise when preparing psychologically for any of the aforementioned.

3. DO NOT exercise directly before any of the aforementioned and always leave sufficient gaps in between exercising and eating times so that none of the aforementioned overlap with any exercise times.

4. DO NOT exercise when your chi is low. You can use a chi meter or just ask a friend, “Does my chi seem low?” If your friend answers affirmatively, wait until your chi has increased before exercising or preparing psychologically for exercise. If the answer is negative, check again fifteen minutes later to make sure you have adequate chi. If, in the interim, you realize that the planned exercise conflicts with any of your eating times, eat first, wait and check chi again later.

5. DO NOT exercise if you don’t want to exercise. You will just be burning chi that isn’t there to begin with and likely doing your body harm. If you find this a recurring problem, see a doctor.

6. DO NOT exercise in front of other people. No mystery but something I thought I should stress. A crowded gym is the worst place to tone your body or sweat off those extra calories. For one, the machines are often placed too close together so that the body’s natural movement from one machine to the next may be impeded. Ditto for the corridors, doors, elevators and stairwells. Second, machines typically have narrow seats or benches, which just tend to emphasize unsightly bulk and add to feelings of shame and alienation. Third, there is no reason to exercise before a mirror. I myself, when the mood to exercise is upon me, prefer to exercise in a dark closet.

7. DO NOT exercise when you could be spending your time on other more creative endeavors. Of course, I would never put eating at the top of this list, but eating too can be an intensely creative experience. Being a highly creative individual, and a highly sensitive and spiritual individual, I consider any of the following more fulfilling on a number of levels: tending to my pebble garden, meditating, chanting, watching TV, perusing my sword collection, singing, dancing, directing, scriptwriting, acting, cooking, eating, snacking, or furthering my appreciation and knowledge of any number of esoteric subjects including but not limited to numismatics, Russian ballet, plasma intelligences, deep space exploration, forgotten recipes, dietary lore, fungi, mollusks and amoebas, telluric currents, mummies, squashes and edible tubers, Victorian diarists, lesser known Eskimo dialects, particle physics and critical theory.

8. DO NOT exercise before, after or in the course of administering or receiving an enema, DIY or otherwise. Again, an obvious rule of thumb, but you never know what will pop into your head during an enema. If the urge to exercise overwhelms you during an enema, try ‘mind blocking’ or any spiritual technique you have practiced before, or, if you want to play it absolutely safe, always have a snack or meal on hand (see above).

9. DO NOT exercise at the behest of fans, loved ones, hecklers, audience members, random passersby, restaurateurs, owners of fast-food eateries, convenience stores, supermarkets or retail outlets, ex-wives, producers, colleagues or members of the medical, scientific or circus communities.

10. DO NOT exercise if you have express written consent from a doctor or trained professional that such exercise would NOT be in the best interests of your health or state of mind, or that such exercise would expose you to embarrassment or ridicule or feelings of isolation, inadequacy, guilt, fear or disorientation, or to sporadic bouts of torpor, capriciousness, spiritual malaise, intense hunger or the craving for unusual foods in atypical quantities (which may in itself lead to the sudden accumulation of fatty deposits throughout the body), or if you are known to suffer from any illness that exercising or preparations for exercise, psychological or otherwise, would aggravate. I myself carry papers of this kind authorized, notarized and translated into most known languages.

Hope the little I can offer may help someone out there. On that note, yesterday’s meals.

Yesterday's Meals
Breakfast
Deep fried lettuce (so good I tried it again, 3 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Ayurveda Rejuvenating Combo Meal (thank you Whole Foods, 4 points) Lunch Herbal Meatballs, 1000 mg Tang (7 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
2 boxes wakame wafers with ‘45% reduced fat’ fat (clarified butter will work here, 9 points)

Dinner
Cream (8 points?)

After Dinner Snack
DIY Patio Supports

My weight: 395 lbs