Gary's in the Calaboose, Again

Gary thought it would be funny if we carted out to Reese Witherspoon’s place naked. I always fall for Gary’s little dares. Chatto got some great pics but Reece called the cops and Gary was high on cheese heroin and he’s in the slammer now. (They couldn’t touch me, AND I’ve got a card from Dr. Baswabi in Spanish indicating the likely health consequences of stress-induced agitation).

Fast-wise I’m doing great. Was hoping to hit 450 by tomorrow, just to be on the safe side, but don’t think I’ll make it. Exploring Mongolian cuisine has awakened a spiritual fellow-feeling with the Sino-Turkic peoples I never knew was in me. That said, I’ve always considered myself a ‘nomad’ of sorts, sandwiched in between the earthly realm and the soul’s desire for a freedom it won’t ever taste, and this has only confirmed my decision to eat Genghis Khan. [Editor’s note: ‘to portray’]. On that note, let me tell you what’s going on in Alma-Ata (my Genghis Khan check-list). 1) I’ve got the caterers; 2) I’ve got the only hotel in Ulaanbaatar (where we’ll be shooting) that offers a 24/7 Mongolian buffet; 3) I’ve got the Moldavian ‘artistes’; 4) I’ve got the wide-angle lenses, cranes, forklifts, carts, seismologists, goats, marmots, hot stones, etc.; 5) I’ve got (important!) my stunt double, Fertus Booz, the former Mongolian Khorkhog-eating champion; 6) I’ve got my passport; 7) I’ve got my chi; 8) I’ve got my balls, though I doubt I’ll ever see them again; and (drum roll please) 9) I’VE GOT EMILIO ESTEVEZ! Never expected this, (and never expected to see Emilio again after I kicked him off the set of The Glimmer Man), but Emilio was streaking Reese Witherspoons’s lawn yesterday when Gary and I carted by, and he was high on cheese heroin too and agreed to be Harem Guard 2. I think I’ll develop this part a bit more to give Emilio the full emotional range he’s capable of. Anyway, feeling good and ‘corralling those calories’, as Ernest Borgnine used to say, for the long march home.

I’ve decided (because I’ve noticed that other blogs do this) to post a weekly trivia question. The prize is an autographed picture of me from a film of your choosing (straight to DVD doesn’t count) and the chance to go shopping with me in my cart. This week’s trivia question: Name three films in which my combined weight from the first two was more than my weight in the third. Hint: Don’t go back further than my 1979 cameo on The Young and the Restless.

Bon appetite!

Yesterday's Meals
Breakfast:
3 Egg McKublais (This is my own term, of course. Triple-decker Egg McMuffin stuffed with Boozul and Khorkhog, 19 points)

Mid-morning Snack
Genghis Surprise (according to experts, the dish Genghis Khan had prepared the night before he died of intestinal irregularities. In other words, Genghis’ last meal: Roasted swine stuffed with Khorkhog, Urum, Khailmag, Boozul, Huvgash, Eezgii and Boodog. Loved it, 21 points)

Lunch
Pifnul (don’t know what this was, but it was delicious and highly fattening, 18 points)

Mid-afternoon Snack
Caramelized goat turds (2 points)

Dinner
If you guessed Kublai Khan Victory Feast for 4, you’re one step ahead of me (sike!) . . . Kublai Khan Victory Feast for 6! (~73 points)

After-dinner Snack
My shadow, which now weighs 232 lbs (0 points!)

My weight: 449 ¾ lbs