Swamp Daddy Cassette Release Party

Image of the day: Bryan Adams celebrates eBay victory with sexy accordion player


Big news on the music front: my new cassette, Swamp Daddy, is out in Yerevan! Invited a few old friends over to mark the occasion. The theme of the party was legumes. Don’t like to blow my horn but we haven’t seen a star-studded evening like this at the ranch since my last Zen Blow Out in ‘88. Just a taste: Eddie Belushi (Jim’s brother-in-law from his first marriage), Pittsburg Lee Hines (B.B. King’s back-up drummer for most of the 80’s), Rey Mysterio, the Busey Gang, Manuel Uribe (he’s looking great), Don “Doctor Fists” Curry (Ronald Marchini’s stunt double), Helen Hines (The Return of Keech, Zen Warriors vs. The Tarantula King, etc.), Doody Costner, Clyde Costner, Margie Costner, Jean-Claude Vanderlay (no relation), Jeff Speakman, Moses Hudd (you may remember him from my first album), Lester “Nosebleed” Fitts, Scott Schwartz, Scott Baio, Clyde Barrett, Emilio Estevez, Dudley Lowe, Eric Roberts, Kato Kaylen, Tito Jackson and more. According to my man in Armenia Delivery Boy Blues is already at number 84, and you can hear Kurdish rebels in Metina singing She’s Got Tookus.

The only bad news I have to report, other than my weight, is that I was outbid for Elvis’ throne at 3:45 a.m. Sunday morning. For some reason (I suspect foul play) the bid was extended by 48 hours 30 seconds before my $139 bid was finalized on Thursday evening. Shortly before that, a second bidder appeared offering $139.50. I saw his bluff and raised the pot to $150, and was again outbid. And then the news was announced that due to the high demand for the product (???) the bidding would carry on until Sunday. By midnight Saturday the pot had climbed to $22,000, and I bailed out reluctantly on Chatto’s advice. Was amazed (and hurt) to find out early Sunday morning that I’d been bidding against Bryan Adams. Still sticking to legumes but feeling gassy and irritable. Did manage to stand yesterday.

Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast
12-pack Porkyland Frozen Breakfast Burritos smothered in Queso and Swiss (12 X 3 = 36 points), Beano (0 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Baked Bean Loaf (6 points)

Lunch
Black-Eyed Peas and Smoked Picnic (this is 1 lb dried black-eyed peas, 1 smoked pork shoulder, about 10 to 12 lbs, serves 14 . . . 51 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Sweet Mung Beans Dessert (3 points), Beano (0 points)

Dinner
Miso-marinated Hog Jowls with Fava Beans, 1 lb orange licorice, box of Malomars, Toblerone Dark, Toblerone White (disappointing), 6-pack Lightning Bolt Energy Drink, bag dried papaya, bag brown sugar, bag pork rinds, sack shrimp crackers, 3 Di Giorno’s pizzas, 2 Di Giorno’s pizzas, mixed canapés, fried bananas with Miracle Whip and Worcester Sauce, fried Miracle Whip, frying pan, bag Curly’s frozen French fries, quart of Famous Grouse 12, confetti, refrigerator frost, plate, sponge, dish rack (72 points), Beano (0 points)

Pre-Breakfast Option
Ma-Po Barbecue for 6, string bean

My Weight: 497 lbs