Discovery of the Year: Microlipids!

Image of the day: Sushi Pillows

These hard-working fat friends have just about made my week. The spiritual transformation I’m going through now that I’ve said goodbye to my half-ton-and-under days has been crushing in many ways. My good friend and fellow calorie maven, George Wendt, used to say it’s the first hundred that mean the most, but for me it was the moment I crossed the threshold from the ‘preposterously overweight’ (I actual prefer this to the other ‘O’ word) to the ‘medically doubtful’. Sometimes I feel like a young mother in the throes of post-partum depression with a newborn babe nibbling at her teat, sad in my struggles to be proud. But the bottom line is this: I haven’t yet delivered and the ‘little man’ in my lap isn't living, or nibbling at my teat, but is a full-grown monster demanding to be fed faster than I can appease him. But I don’t want to get misty-eyed over a little extra tonnage. Enter: MICROLIPIDS.

Eric Schworsy contacted Leon Pinkus, Drew Carry’s fat guru, and dropped this bombshell on me while Manuel and I were sharing a mid-afternoon snack moment yesterday (Manuel confessed that he saw himself in me and this led to some heartfelt bonding. I didn’t expect this from him and was immensely touched . . . by Manuel who put me in a Mexican bear hug). Just what are microlipids? I’m not exactly sure but this is what I gathered from Gus Papathanasopoulos, NeoFat CEO and microsaturation inventor (I include the following excerpt from Gus’s e-mail):

“Microlipids are the result of a revolutionary process [developed personally by Gus for his wife] for manufacturing edible fats and oils that will apply to all dense calorie consumables: dairy fats, animal fats and edible oils. The new microsaturation technology will result, Steven, quite simply, in the healthiest fats and edible oils available anywhere. The new process offers several advantages for compulsive eaters like yourself:

* no unhealthy trans fats

* no heating or pressurization during processing means no bloating

* microsaturated fats are more completely digested so you can eat and eat and not show the unsightly effects of chronic binging
* dense calories for extreme humans without corporal [sic] fat deposition
* more cost-effective dense calories for under-nourished populations [i.e. Chatto]

NeoFat Industries, Inc. is a privately held corporation headquartered in Gila, New Mexico. The company is served by an advisory board that includes outstanding medical doctors, technologists, educators, retired military officers, obese celebrities and an eminent food scientist.”

Well, there it is in a nutshell. More fat goes in, less fat comes out. And no pressurization. Now I’m just waiting for Gus to deliver my first barrel from Gila, which, Gus told me, is on the house. He’s apparently a big fan.

Otherwise, Eric has suggested I start wearing edible starch-based robes (we ordered a gross from Erotic Siren yesterday) and consider furnishing the rooms where I spend the majority of my time with Max Lamb’s line of edible furniture. This way, if the craving is upon me, I can just eat my furniture. Unfortunately, as it turns out, I spend a lot of time in the kitchen these days and there’s no way to pull out all that stainless steel, but they may do edible bar stools and edible counter tops, I don’t know. We also ordered a box of Sushi Pillows along with an edamame body pillow for Chatto and an edamame mattress for Manuel, who will be staying on at the ranch for the next few weeks, free room and board, in the official capacity of corporeal advisor and chow pal.

And, finally, I should probably let you know that I’m officially (and forever) off beans. Feeling so much better and, of course, less bloated. With Manuel around (he’s a creative snacker but also a persistent one), I’ve decided that two big men eating mass quantities of beans 24-7 is not the way to go, and can now understand why Manuel’s mother kicked him out of the house and put him on a plane last Tuesday. So, again on Eric’s advice (I wouldn’t be able to make it without you, thanks old buddy) I’ve embarked with Manuel on a diet of pumpkin-based foods.

Chatto just reminded me to put in a word about Anthony Minghella’s passing, and I’ll say this. Though Anthony and I disagreed fundamentally in so many ways not only in matters of style and taste, but also in how we viewed the role and duties of the auteur, I do have to admit that Anthony inspired me a great deal over the years, especially in my earliest endeavors, and lately in Urban Justice. I owe my Genghis concept to him in part as well. So, God Bless, Anthony, wherever you are, and good chi. I ate a pie in your honor.

The rest of you enjoy the rest of your work weeks, and thanks for your kind notes regarding my surpassing the 500-lb mark. Wouldn’t be able to do it without you either!

Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast:
Tempting Pumpkin Pancakes (bet you were guessing this . . . 12 X 2 = 24 points that were worth it)

Mid-morning Snack:
Mini Pumpkin Spice Cakes with Orange Glaze (scrumptious and ‘mini means more’ as Orson Welles used to say . . . 36 X 1 = 36 points)

Lunch:
Minced Meat Stuffed Pumpkin with Caraway Cream Sauce, Borsht (with pumpkin instead of beet), Sweet Pumpkin Bread with Pumpkin Butter (34 points)

Pre-Siesta Snack (Manuel thought this one up):
Pumpkin Cheesecake with Three Nut Topping (2 X 30 = 60 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack:
Quick and Easy Pumpkin Pie (you can never have too much of a good thing . . . 2 X 20 = 40 points)

Dinner:
Buttery Pumpkin Soufflé with Gorgonzola Cream Sauce drizzle, leftover Pumpkin Butter, and for desert, Rich Chocolate Pumpkin Truffles (31 points)

Pre-Breakfast Option:
Manuel Uribe’s Doggy Bag (56 points and still going)

My Weight: 504 lbs