Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo
Image of the day: Publicity Weighing at Griffith Park
Feeling better after a visit from Dr. Baswabi. Was given a chewable vitamin and a hot water bottle and confined to my waterbed for most of Sunday morning. Snug in my bed, I took the liberty of suggesting a rubdown with Trauma Life Coma Blend, an essential oil I developed myself (the whole line is available at odorous oils). Dr. Baswabi agreed but advised me in the future to consult him prior to any physical activity that didn’t involve cautious entrances and exits of my cart and mealtime exertions. Any walking was strictly forbidden, as well as vigorous basking and ‘high impact’ rolling.
At about three, Tito Jackson showed up just in time for a mid-afternoon pig feed (I’ve grown quite fond of Alphamune, though I’m still experimenting with other top-of-the-line grower and starter feeds), and I was reminded of how blessed I was to enjoy the close and inspiring friendships of men like Tito. Tito was worried about Michael and mentioned in passing that Brad Pitt, who had just moved into Never Land with his Congolese babies, was putting Michael’s petting zoo up for bid on eBay. We both agreed that this was both tragic and cruel, not just for Brad’s adopted Africans but for the world at large. And if Manuel hadn’t been at my side feeding, and forcibly removed my head from the trough, I would never have come to the perfectly obvious solution that had been staring us in the face the whole time . . . Manuel and I could buy Michael’s animals and build a petting zoo of our own at the ranch!
We were so happy that Manuel and Tito burst into a spontaneous dance, and though the urge to join them was strong, I vigilantly refrained from any physical movement. After a publicity weighing with Gary at Griffith Park, Manuel and I spent the rest of the day planning our zoo. A brief description of the zoo and its facilities follows:
1) The Seagal-Urbe Petting Zoo will feature in separate, animal-friendly spaces that will recreate as far as possible the natural habitats of their four-legged and winged residents the following sentient beings: 2 ruddy shelducks, 2 Chihuahuan ravens, 1 red kangaroo, 4 Markhor goats, 22 Capuchin monkeys, 2 gray foxes, 1 ring-tailed lemur, 1 mountain cougar, 1 ocelot, 3 badgers, 5 North American river otters, 2 turkey buzzards, 1 great horned owl, 15 Egyptian geese, 25 piglets, 1 buffalo, 10 head of steer.
[The Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo, clockwise from left to right: Seagal (founder), Uribe (co-founder and chow pal), Girl feeding Markhor goat, Jackson (guest pedophile), Roberts (resident zookeeper), Seagal Lifetime Achievements Tent and Vending Facilities]
2) The picnic grounds of the Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo will be where the vending facilities for the cart track would have gone, and children will have free entrance. Chatto convinced me (and how right he was) to put up a tent dedicated to my cinematic, musical, philanthropic, culinary and scientific achievements, offering memorabilia, food tastings and signings daily. At the top of every second hour I will make a personal appearance in this tent, fully robed, in my cart. I will make a lap of the tent and then motor back in the opposite direction, waving. Then I will drive up to one of the more docile animals and hand-feed it.
3) Eric Roberts will be our zookeeper and Michael Jackson may enter the Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo free-of-charge on any day of the week when school is in session.
That’s about it. A day full of surprises and heightened chi, a day of new vistas and minimal physical exertion. As I said above, I feel uncommonly blessed and hope my little daily triumphs will give you the little extra bit of chi you need to get through the day. Since I’ve already taxed myself enough for one day, I’ll leave you with this week’s trivia question (the prize is the kinky clip-on ponytail I wore in Black Dawn): Name the only movie I starred in that is currently banned in Havana.
(Below: Happy Pig, courtesy of Alphamune)
Yesterday’s Meals:
Breakfast
Half Trough of Alphamune (I’ve figured that a trough of Alphamune, that is, 4 80-lb bags, is roughly the equivalent of 138 points, though it’s hard to believe it . . . 138 points)
Mid-Morning Snack
Scattered groats (2 points)
Lunch
Half Trough of Bio Plus 2 for piglets (as a starter feed, there are more calories to the trough . . . 151 points)
Mid-Afternoon Snack
Stockmol 20, 15-minute feed (this is Standard molasses + 20% Condensed Molasses Solubles. The tricky thing about liquid feeds is that deliveries come in 10-25 ton bulk tankers so you really need a feeder. I recommend the Big Dutchman Hydromix for snacks because you can control the output to the gallon. No way to calculate the points on this, though the delivery man told me a 15-minute feed would give a company of piglets enough calories to last them to Easter.)
Dinner
Half Trough PROVIMI 66 Pure Fish Meal (not quite the ‘elegant eating experience’ they guaranteed on the tanker but a welcome change . . . 122 points)
Periodic Feast
Beef Patty Design Competition (Gary, Eric, Emilio, Manuel and me. A blast! Eric actually designed the biggest patty but according to Manuel’s rules you had to cook it and eat it too. The prize went again to Manuel, who managed to roll up a 35-lb patty, grill it on a bonfire in the pebble garden and pack it down with just one rest for a sip of Sidral Mundet. My patty was a mere 21 lbs with brick of Swiss cheese and bacon included . . . 40 points)
My Weight: 537 lbs
At about three, Tito Jackson showed up just in time for a mid-afternoon pig feed (I’ve grown quite fond of Alphamune, though I’m still experimenting with other top-of-the-line grower and starter feeds), and I was reminded of how blessed I was to enjoy the close and inspiring friendships of men like Tito. Tito was worried about Michael and mentioned in passing that Brad Pitt, who had just moved into Never Land with his Congolese babies, was putting Michael’s petting zoo up for bid on eBay. We both agreed that this was both tragic and cruel, not just for Brad’s adopted Africans but for the world at large. And if Manuel hadn’t been at my side feeding, and forcibly removed my head from the trough, I would never have come to the perfectly obvious solution that had been staring us in the face the whole time . . . Manuel and I could buy Michael’s animals and build a petting zoo of our own at the ranch!
We were so happy that Manuel and Tito burst into a spontaneous dance, and though the urge to join them was strong, I vigilantly refrained from any physical movement. After a publicity weighing with Gary at Griffith Park, Manuel and I spent the rest of the day planning our zoo. A brief description of the zoo and its facilities follows:
1) The Seagal-Urbe Petting Zoo will feature in separate, animal-friendly spaces that will recreate as far as possible the natural habitats of their four-legged and winged residents the following sentient beings: 2 ruddy shelducks, 2 Chihuahuan ravens, 1 red kangaroo, 4 Markhor goats, 22 Capuchin monkeys, 2 gray foxes, 1 ring-tailed lemur, 1 mountain cougar, 1 ocelot, 3 badgers, 5 North American river otters, 2 turkey buzzards, 1 great horned owl, 15 Egyptian geese, 25 piglets, 1 buffalo, 10 head of steer.
[The Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo, clockwise from left to right: Seagal (founder), Uribe (co-founder and chow pal), Girl feeding Markhor goat, Jackson (guest pedophile), Roberts (resident zookeeper), Seagal Lifetime Achievements Tent and Vending Facilities]
2) The picnic grounds of the Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo will be where the vending facilities for the cart track would have gone, and children will have free entrance. Chatto convinced me (and how right he was) to put up a tent dedicated to my cinematic, musical, philanthropic, culinary and scientific achievements, offering memorabilia, food tastings and signings daily. At the top of every second hour I will make a personal appearance in this tent, fully robed, in my cart. I will make a lap of the tent and then motor back in the opposite direction, waving. Then I will drive up to one of the more docile animals and hand-feed it.
3) Eric Roberts will be our zookeeper and Michael Jackson may enter the Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo free-of-charge on any day of the week when school is in session.
That’s about it. A day full of surprises and heightened chi, a day of new vistas and minimal physical exertion. As I said above, I feel uncommonly blessed and hope my little daily triumphs will give you the little extra bit of chi you need to get through the day. Since I’ve already taxed myself enough for one day, I’ll leave you with this week’s trivia question (the prize is the kinky clip-on ponytail I wore in Black Dawn): Name the only movie I starred in that is currently banned in Havana.
(Below: Happy Pig, courtesy of Alphamune)
Yesterday’s Meals:
Breakfast
Half Trough of Alphamune (I’ve figured that a trough of Alphamune, that is, 4 80-lb bags, is roughly the equivalent of 138 points, though it’s hard to believe it . . . 138 points)
Mid-Morning Snack
Scattered groats (2 points)
Lunch
Half Trough of Bio Plus 2 for piglets (as a starter feed, there are more calories to the trough . . . 151 points)
Mid-Afternoon Snack
Stockmol 20, 15-minute feed (this is Standard molasses + 20% Condensed Molasses Solubles. The tricky thing about liquid feeds is that deliveries come in 10-25 ton bulk tankers so you really need a feeder. I recommend the Big Dutchman Hydromix for snacks because you can control the output to the gallon. No way to calculate the points on this, though the delivery man told me a 15-minute feed would give a company of piglets enough calories to last them to Easter.)
Dinner
Half Trough PROVIMI 66 Pure Fish Meal (not quite the ‘elegant eating experience’ they guaranteed on the tanker but a welcome change . . . 122 points)
Periodic Feast
Beef Patty Design Competition (Gary, Eric, Emilio, Manuel and me. A blast! Eric actually designed the biggest patty but according to Manuel’s rules you had to cook it and eat it too. The prize went again to Manuel, who managed to roll up a 35-lb patty, grill it on a bonfire in the pebble garden and pack it down with just one rest for a sip of Sidral Mundet. My patty was a mere 21 lbs with brick of Swiss cheese and bacon included . . . 40 points)
My Weight: 537 lbs
posted by The Master at
7:25 AM
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