Weapons of Hate from The New York Times

Image of the Day: National Security Implications?

Apart from Simpuk's single act of treachery during the Speakman break-in (he was, I realize, under extreme duress), I haven't had any reason to suspect that there was an actual fink among us. But who but the most unscrupulous of finks could have persuaded the The New York Times to re-publish the following lies (originally published in June 2005) on Thanksgiving Day 2008, using my own personal computer? This is particularly hurtful after my unsuccessful negotiations with Julius Nasso in January, also reported with obvious bias by the NYT. Punitive action is in the works.

"The actor [philanthropist, musician, Buddhist reincarnation, Moldovan heartthrob, origami expert, gourmet] Steven Seagal (below) [Do I appear below? There is a platter of fried shrimp obviously intended for the Fine Dining section] is being sued by Kill Master Productions and Nu Image for breach of contract [I never signed it], interference [body size?] and unjust enrichment [?] involving two films currently in postproduction, "Today You Die" and "Mercenary." [Svelt Commando was the working title of the latter.] The suit, filed in Los Angeles Superior Court on June 6 [7], maintains that Mr. Seagal consistently failed to arrive on the set on time [I was suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome], rewrote scenes on a 'locked' script [I do not, and cannot, write] and made unapproved and excessive demands on several undisclosed catering services [lies]. On the final day of shooting "Today You Die," the actor left the set five hours early [Honestly, it was more like 8] to attend a dinner he described at having 'national security implications,' [personal gastro-intestinal implications was what I said, and it was a joke] and as a result his final scenes couldn't be dubbed."

My weight: 989 lbs.

The "Today You Die" Set: 1300 lbs.