Seagal Cellars Open For Business in Temecula

Image of the Day: Bacchus Reclining (Helmut Newton, 2001)

Just wanted to let you, my closest fans and supporters, know that the long-awaited Seagal Cellars in Temecula is officially open and off to an amazing start. I chose the image above (taken by Helmut Newton in my svelter days) for the Seagal Shiraz Reserve. Bottles of Seagal Zinfandel 2002, Seagal Merlot-Pinotage 2004 and Chateau de Seagal Cabernet '86 will feature other favorite poses chosen by my fans and will vary by the harvest. 

But don't take my word for my early success, listen to what my guests have had to say:

"We really enjoyed our wine tour -- informative, leisurely and well paced (Mr. Seagal really knows how to get around on his forklift). Our patio tasting experience was the best thing though, a comfortably elegant area and heaping platters of fruits, cheeses and chi. All in all, a beautiful addition to our stay at the Best Western. The only advice I'd give Mr. Seagal is not to serve gyros with pinot grigios, and not to eat in front of his guests, as he has a tendency to overindulge."

Michael Flann, address withheld

"I would just like to say 'thank you' to the crew at Seagal Cellars. Our wine server, Mr. Seagal himself, gave us some outstanding information on cured ham and suggested finger foods I wouldn't have otherwise thought to experiment with. I even tried a battered bacon ring Mr. Seagal had fried himself. In light of all this, I would hate to suggest that we had anything but the perfect visit, but when Mr. Seagal asked me and my husband (and several of the other guests) to take his utility van and bring back what seemed an impossible order from the Hardees in Temecula, I was a little annoyed. He said he couldn't drive his forklift off the winery grounds, which I believe, but I don't think this is appropriate behavior for a host."

Anne Reading, Sacramento

"Our server at the Tasting Bar, a shockingly nimble Mr. Seagal, was quite helpful and quite professional. His wine suggestions were right on the money. Mr. Seagal, I also have to say, was looking his best, and had obviously dropped a few pounds, does not wear a wig, eat like a pig or use a forklift for a means of personal conveyance. Really enjoyed the visit, and didn't have any problem driving Mr. Seagal's utility van to Temecula for a Hardees pick-up."

Nevets Lagees, address withheld

My Weight: 976 lbs.

Seagal Cellars Wine Tasting Bar, including stools: 1,560 lbs.