Fat Man Walking

Image of the Day: Marlon Brando and Emmanuel Lewis in The Island Of Doctor Moreau (1996)

Was enraged to find this slash-and-burn character assassination in my mailbox yesterday morning. Apparently, Vanity Fair has given up on editorial standards. As for integrity, I won't even comment. The following excerpts are from their November 7th piece on me, Fat Man Walking.

"He's the biggest man in the room. And because of his size, and because he inherited from his salesman father a competitive streak as well as a knack for volume business, he is voracious in his appetites (steak and lobster and creamed spinach) and his desires to be loved."

First of all, I didn't order the creamed spinach. That was a mix-up, and our waiter apologized. The fact that I ate it has nothing to do with my 'appetites' but with my Buddhism. I abhor unnecessary wastage. 

"He sinks deeper into the couch, exhausted by his lies."

What couch? We were in a restaurant.

"There is only one question that Seagal will answer without reservation. He answered it the night before, at the steakhouse, underscoring every elaborately constructed sentence with a forkful of lobster meat . . ."

Obviously, I have never constructed elaborate sentences. In fact, I am known, and respected, for precisely the opposite.

"He swells up and starts shouting again."

This kills me. If Vanity Fair hadn't ordered me the surf-and-turf combo (they were testing me obviously), I wouldn't have swelled up. I'm allergic to crustaceans, as all my fans know.

"Steven Seagal looks the way a big man looks when he stands up for the first time in his life."

In fact, it was the first time in many months. I don't know how I managed this, but to receive incendiary jibes like this about such a sensitive issue is just hitting below the belt. I fell over anyway and was rolled out of the restaurant.

". . . beefy . . ."

Libel.

" . . . fat tub of shit . . ."

Ditto.

" . . . dubbing his lines even as he ate my dessert and his . . ."

How can I dub and eat at the same time? How can I eat when I'm swelling and shouting?

" . . . vying with Marlon Brando for the Tubby Oscar. He is the size of a statue of himself."

If they'd done their legwork, they'd know that I couldn't possibly be 'vying' with Brando since I surpassed his deathbed weight months ago.

I will be in touch with my lawyer.

My weight: 951 lbs.

Marlon Brando's weight in The Wild One, The Missouri Breaks and The Island of Doctor Moreau (combined) plus Val Kilmer: 975 lbs. tops