Donnie Osmond Stole My Sausage Roll

Image of the day: Donnie Osmond (left) and midget

After a heavy set of late-morning solitude poses in the pebble garden, I carted out to the Conveni-Mart down the block for a 'reward' (Ken was the one who gave me this idea and it's a super way to sustain long-term weight gain). Anyway, I decided on a sausage roll for my reward because I hadn't had one in a while and sausage rolls are calorie friends, so to speak. At least they're a hell of lot better than Bob's Big Boy breakfast buffets. As it turned out, I wasn't rewarded at all because Donnie Osmond (time warp, hello!) jogged in and stole my sausage roll. Not only did he steal my sausage roll but he slapped me with his sweat rag, sang a few bars from Double Lovin' and removed the battery from my cart. Had to call a tow truck. All in all, a day of limited returns.

God how the weight flies, though. The KWG tells me I'm now 803. Well, if you can't beat 'em, eat 'em, as Ken likes to say. Will see what happens next week. No more time to write as I'm due in the studio. Will sign off by saying that I've been checking out a new diet: flavor sprays. Actually, flavor sprays aren't a diet at all but they seem to be working for Patrick Swayze. Speaking of the Swayze, he's agreed to sing back-up vocals on my next album, Heavy Heavy Duty, and though he's suffering from his own weight problems (bloated calves) he still looks great in a leotard.

Yesterday's Meals:

Cuba


My Weight: 803 lbs