AN URGENT MESSAGE FROM SENSEI: CODE RED ALERT, DISASTROUS WEIGHT GAIN

Image of the day: The Dangers of Slimming Tonics

Dear readers,

The events of the past week which led me to believe that I would see some minor weight loss in the near future have ended disastrously with a massive gain in weight so inexplicable neither Dr. Otix, Eric Schworsky, my weight management therapist, nor the whole NeoFat Team can fathom it. At 2 p.m. Saturday afternoon, following my 6th Super Size Big Mac Meal, the KWG started twitching, then rumbling. When it had finally settled down (momentarily, mind you, there’s worse to come) I had gained 3 lbs, and have been gaining steadily ever since. As of 10 a.m. this morning I officially weigh a whopping 702 lbs, the worst news for my fans, I know, since I chopped off my ponytail in ’89 and replaced it with a clip-on model. Please stay tuned, and don’t, whatever you do, believe the rumor (circulated by the Baldwin brothers of all people) that Chatto had anything to do with this. With xenophobia running so high these days, everybody’s looking for an excuse to blame it on the brown man. And besides, even if Chatto and Simpuk had been planning to use me as a ‘dirty bomb’, what are the chances of this succeeding? What would they blow up? Hollywood?

Thank you and good chi,

Sensei