Further Adventures in Fat

Image of the day: Glass of Microsaturated Fat (courtesy of NeoFat)

Was in the pebble garden yesterday trying to work up a meditation following a particularly gratifying mid-morning snack when I was overcome by a feeling of indescribable bliss. It was one of those rarest of moments when time seems to stand still in the aura of my chi . . . as if the universe were a generous bathtub and I its single outsize occupant. I was immediately reminded of a line by T.S. Eliot, a spiritual forebear in so many ways, which I unfortunately can’t remember now. Paul Tofumi, the Samoan burnt custard-eating champion three years running, also came to mind. Paul once said to me at an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet in Hoboken that when he really got going, when he was past the custard itself and had entered the ‘zone’, it was as if everything around him was being drawn towards his plate. I don’t want to cheapen my singularly spiritual moment by dragging it into the vulgar arena of the edible, but I knew something very special was going to happen.

At 3:04 pm, in transit from the Pure Room to the drive-thru for my mid-afternoon snack, I began to notice a dizzy feeling in my limbs, a lightness . . . How can I describe it? . . . I felt less heavy, as if my body’s mass, and all the millions of cells and tissues of my being, were crying out at once: “I can walk again!” But it was more than that. When I weighed myself ten minutes later the crane scale showed 608 lbs. In other words, my weight (for the first time since I’d set out on this wonderful, wacky, enlightening adventure we call dieting) seemed to have stabilized!

I took a deep breath and prayed to the greatest of deceased overweight lamas, Barbet Koering of Lippenhauer, for the will power to press on to my goal, and ate 12 frosted plum teacakes in his honor. Sated for the moment, I persevered (biting my lower lip in expectation of this happiest of dieting moments) on the strength of my chi and a second light mid-afternoon snack until 4:04. By 6:04 there was no longer any doubt in my mind or anyone else’s: I was going to shed a pound!

Then disaster struck. At 9:37, as I was being clipped into the harness for a definitive 10-pm weighing (by 10 you know if the calories you’ve amassed throughout the day have conspired to burden you with additional poundage), without a prior warning bloat or the black shadow of any lurking heaviness, I suddenly expanded. Not just expanded but bulged (some say inflated) at an appalling rate. And if you have any trouble believing, or picturing, this (as I myself still do), Chatto’s testimony is revealing. My trusted houseboy remarked at the time that my gravitational force had actually “attracted two half-eaten cheesecakes, and the coffee table, into its orbit”.

Not one to put off my duties, I forged ahead, insisting that I be weighed no matter how horrible the consequences would be for the Seagal Diet Team. When the weighing was concluded 20 minutes later, the KWG showed that I was a staggering 633 lbs, meaning that I’d spontaneously amassed 25 lbs since my 4-pm weighing. Of course, I dialed the NeoFat hotline immediately but got a pre-recorded message. Restraining hot tears of grief mingled with shame, I phoned Gus directly and thank God he picked up. My condition, Gus explained (in a trembling voice) was one whose existence he had only posited for the most farfetched of theoretical cases in which the microlipids, for no apparent reason, have the opposite effect. That is, instead of microsaturating the fat tissues with healthy, cleansing lipids, they mark out the offending fat deposits but, having been beguiled by their shameless, delinquent fat cousins, are recruited, as it were, to work for the enemy. The result, according to Gus, is macrosaturation. Shaken himself, Gus will be flying out from Gila tomorrow to take fat cultures from the fattier regions of my scandalously distended person. In the meantime, he has instructed me to lie in bed (carting is out), drink plenty of non-fat fluids and keep a bicycle pump handy just in case.

Dr. Otix, who I should mention was absolutely floored by my resemblance to Genghis Khan, (and actually said that if I’d answered the door in the furry Mongol helmet I’d worn to the Urban Justice premier in Bucharest and not wrapped in my Buddhist sheets, he would have had a heart attack right then and there, so complete was the resemblance) is convinced that edible fats aren’t the answer to my weight problem, and is currently at work on a diet formula of his own based on a careful scientific analysis of my stools, fingernail clippings and nostril hairs. Fingers, as always, are crossed.


A Slender Loris: Newest addition to
the Seagal-Busey-Gibson Petting Zoo

And, finally, just wanted to thank Dr. Otix for the latest addition to the Seagal-Busey-Gibson Petting Zoo, a darling baby slender loris. This finger-sized beauty will be going right next to Mel Gibson’s overweight, balding wallaby, donated on Tuesday.

Yesterday’s Meals (still haven’t found out how to calculate the point values on the NeoFat items so I’ve just included caloric values):

Breakfast
NeoCal “I Can’t Believe This Isn’t Blubber” Blubberine Omelet (2 X 2400 calories = 4800 “microsaturated” calories)

Mid-Morning Snack
Gus P’s Original “Fat” Highball, Fat and Crackers (1750 and 1025 cal= 2775 cal)

Lunch
Functional Chef’s Lard Tortellini with Ultra-Microsaturated Bacon and Cream Sauce (8 X 2200 cal= 17,600 cal)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Taste Buddy’s Fat Lovers XXX-Fat Fatty Fried Fat Quiche (4 X 3100 cal = 12,400 cal)

Dinner
Microlipid Gelatine, Assorted Edible Fats, 2 Glasses Microsaturated Fat (8 X 1000, 5 X 3700, 1800 X 2, respectively = 30,100 cal)

Tidbits
Manuel Uribe’s Doggy Bag from Wheezy Jack’s (was shocked and a bit saddened to find this under Manuel’s uneaten mattress. There were clearly 80 or so points left in it, which makes me wonder if Manuel has hidden similar caches around the house and grounds . . . 80 points)

Side by Side:

My Weight: 633 lbs
Sundowner Single Stall Horse Trailer: 1150 lbs