Chuck Norris ‘Operation Pig in the Poke’ Sabotaged

Image of the day: Automatic Chopsticks

I have some disturbing news to report. I uncovered the ‘weasel’ late yesterday afternoon. A little CIA sleuth work was all it took. At around 5 o’clock, fully cloaked in my cat burglar’s outfit from Ludicrous Jones and armed with a pair of automatic chopsticks, I overheard the following conversation on the Pure Room line:

Caller: This is the Rattler [obviously Chuck Norris.]
Receiver: Mud Duck here [to my horror, Banroot, Busey’s houseboy, who had stayed on to help with the mid-afternoon feed.]
Chuck Norris: How’s business?
Banroot: No troubles, señor.
Chuck Norris: Is the pig in the poke?
Banroot: Si, señor, Operation Pig in the Poke on schedule.
Chuck Norris: Good. And my headless bear?
Banroot: No problems.
Chuck Norris: Fabulous. Money’s in the bank.
Banroot: Si, señor.

When I questioned Banroot later that evening, he denied ever having talked to Norris, or being fluent in Spanish for that matter. Then I sat him down and engaged in Shaolin eye warfare, an old trick I picked up waiting on long buffet lines in Detroit, and Banroot cracked, weeping his apologies and saying that Norris had brainwashed him, and paid him, of course, into tampering with my feed rations. Little does he know that Chuck’s plan to overpump the trough levels has played right into my hands! I only apologize to my readers for underestimating the point values. In the end I accepted Banroot’s apology and dispatched him immediately to Chuck’s houseboat with his headless teddy. To Chuck’s further horror, I’m sure, I’ve also blacklisted him from the petting zoo.

DIETING NEWS

Realized at the end of the day that even if I consumed a ton or more of pig feed a day I would still be eating feed into late April, which is not an appealing thought. For this reason, Manuel suggested we finish as much as we can in one final and dramatic feed and save the rest for the piglets, which arrived in 25 little pigpens early yesterday morning. As always, I was in perfect agreement with Manuel and amazed once again at Manuel’s practical sense. So enjoy my last official pig feed.

OTHER NEWS

In light of the fact that Manuel and I seem to be finding ourselves in increasingly supine positions these days, I’ve just subscribed to Feast Magazine. This should give us something to do in between meals and perhaps provide the creative impetus we’ll need for our future collaboration in dieting strategies.

Feast Magazine: Perfect for downtime in between meals

Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast Feed
Park and Tonks Pig Breakfast (The obvious choice. Tried to polish off 3 troughs but only made it to the middle of the second.)

Periodic Feast
Shoney’s Personal Buffet for 2 (This includes Manuel. Didn’t know they catered at Shoney’s but Manuel did. Fabulous . . . 82 points)

Lunch Feed
2 troughs Alphamune, 1 trough ViraMatrix

Periodic Feast
Fudge Feast (Anyone’s guess . . . I’d say 30 or so points.)

Mid-Afternoon Feed
Stockmol 20 (Again, tried to push on to a 40-minute feed but started to bloat uncontrollably at 35, and at minute 36 was overcome by a stupendous fit of flatulence that horrified even Manuel, and passed the nozzle.)

Dinner Feed
3 ½ troughs PROVIMI 66, ½ trough Alphamune, ½ trough Tenter and Fisk’s

Periodic Feast
Surprisingly, we passed on this one. It wasn’t, as Manuel correctly pointed out, that we didn’t have the appetite, it was just that we were too exhausted to press on. Carted in to the pebble garden for Gin Rummy instead. Manuel has started to complain of chest pains.

My weight: 569 lbs