My Own Drive-Thru Window!

Image of the day: No more hassles at the fridge, no more long lines at the counter!

Had been toying with the notion of a drive-thru window for some time now and when Manuel and I had a near collision in the kitchen on Sunday afternoon (this was clearly my fault, I’d forgotten that the kitchen can only accommodate a single lane of cart traffic) Manuel and I just looked at each other and we both knew, in our special way, that it was drive-thru time.

Chatto and Simpuk were at work through the day and far into the night and as of breakfast time this morning the Seagal ranch now has a fully-operation, cart-friendly drive-thru window off the kitchen with low head clearance and a loading dock for weigh-ins. Clearly this was the right thing to do, and I only regret that it took me this long to do it. There’s nothing more invigorating than rolling up to your own kitchen window and ordering a snack at sunrise! And the drive-thru window was the incentive I needed to spend more time outside communing with nature in between and during meals

Which reminds me of the other big news of the weekend: Manuel and I bought matching carts! Can’t tell you how much this means to me. For many months now my solitary carting has been gnawing at me privately. Now that Manuel and I can motor around together, as a team, I feel much less self-conscience about the lost of my bipedality. But let me tell you about our carts. Both carts are equipped with slide-out dinner trays and easy-grip steering wheels and have amplified roof-mounted bullhorns so that we’ll be in constant contact with each other when carting about the grounds, and can, of course, coordinate mealtimes. This is especially important when an impromptu snack arises. Ditto for periodic feasts. My cart is again an eight-seater automatic with rear-wheel drive, snack bar and dining area. Manuel’s is the shape of an egg with a heavily cushioned interior, a lazy Susan for five and a second, backseat, steering wheel.

The diet lowdown: Calorie Shifting isn’t as easy as it seemed. The problem for Manuel and me is devising meals that actually constitute ‘shocks’ to our metabolisms. This is, however, best done with a partner, as the Idiot Proof handbook suggests. An intimate bond quickly develops between a tandem of calorie shifters, so that when Manuel suggests a light meal and I then counter it with a heavy snack, or vice-versa, I have the feeling (Manuel too) of an almost psychic connection that transcends the gastric and verges on the mystic. The closest thing to it, in my experience, is improvisational jazz. I foresee a long and fruitful collaboration between Manuel and myself innocent of treacheries of the Kenny Loggins variety.

Finally, Goran Otix, the Genghis expert, is due to arrive on Thursday with his assistant Drahousek. Can’t wait to start talking Genghis with Dr. Otix. The only slightly disturbing circumstance of Dr. Otix’s arrival is the doctor’s insistence that his room windows be hung with black-out cloth and that the ambient temperature be set to 84º F with ‘an occasional gust of cooler air being blown in at pre-arranged intervals’.

Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast (Seagal’s choice)
Mug Green Tea (sit down, 0 points)

Mid-Morning Snack (Uribe’s choice)
Mug Sidral Mundet Apple, Battered Pork Cutlets, 4 Avocados, Salmon Seviche, Peppered Lard (drive-thru, 36 points)

Lunch (Seagal)
Battered Veal Cutlets, 4 Cornish Hens (baked in juices), Giblets and Mayo on Rye, 2 lbs Scottish Lox, Cup Clarified Butter, Box Jujubes (drive-thru, 48 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack (Uribe)
Orange Tree (?)

Dinner (Seagal)
Almond Tree (?)

Post-Dinner Snack (Uribe)
Hay (?)*

*Explanation of Yesterday’s Calorie Shifts:

Now you see how this works. I believe after Manuel’s orange tree (he was going for a metabolic shock), I got carried away and, hence, opted for the almond tree. Manuel, at an obvious impasse, couldn’t then turn back and improvise off his previous snack and so suggested hay, which is largely inedible. The complications of ordering calorie-shifted meals from a drive-thru window only highlights the strategic importance of a well-crafted cart. Manuel’s lazy Susan (and second steering wheel) is, I now realize, ideal for drive-thru meals. My snack bar is a bit of an impediment and I can’t steer from the dining area of my cart because I didn’t have the foresight to install a second steering wheel.

My Weight: 598 lbs