Kenny Loggins Stole My Lyrics

Image of the day: Kenny Loggins, Lyrics Thief

When you’ve been friends with a person for so many years, you’re always making little allowances for actual or perceived injustices, but this will unfortunately have to spell the end of my two-plus-decade friendship with Kenny Loggins (and of our fruitful musical collaboration). As of today Kenny is cut from my new album, You Can’t Fool the Fat Man. Let me explain.

Yesterday, I was in the studio listening to some old tracks Kenny and I had cut in March of ’86 and came across a tune I’d written the lyrics for. Kenny, being the great improviser that he is, just picked it up and ran with it. Frankly, I’m speechless. The following are my original lyrics for Zen Zone, written in March ‘86:

Zen Zone
by Steven Seagal

Sittin’ on your couch
Listen to those couch springs moan
Metal bending, baby,
Beggin' you to release the load

Highway to the Zen Zone
Ride into the Zen Zone

Forget all your tension
Lay out on the couch tonight
Don’t worry about your friends, man
Forget about your appetite

Highway to the Zen Zone
I'll take you
Right into the Zen Zone

You'll never get any mojo
Until you release the load
Rev up your karma as high as it can go go
Forget about your body tone

Spread out on my couch
Always where I yearn to be
The further from the couch
The weaker the intensity

Highway to the Zen Zone
Gonna take you
Right into the Zen Zone

And the following are Kenny’s lyrics to Danger Zone, released in May ’86 (2 months after Zen Zone):

Danger Zone
by Kenny Loggins

Revvin' up your engine
Listen to her howlin' roar
Metal under tension
Beggin' you to touch and go

Highway to the Danger Zone
Ride into the Danger Zone

Headin' into twilight
Spreadin' out her wings tonight
She got you jumpin' off the track
And shovin' into overdrive

Highway to the Danger Zone
I'll take you
Right into the Danger Zone

You'll never say hello to you
Until you get it on the red line overload
You'll never know what you can do
Until you get it up as high as you can go

Out along the edges
Always where I burn to be
The further on the edge
The hotter the intensity

Highway to the Danger Zone
Gonna take you
Right into the Danger Zone

Highway to the Danger Zone

What else do I have to say? I’ve already contacted Myron Beas and Loggins v. Seagal is in the works. Can’t wait to stare Kenny down in court.

Otherwise, Manuel had a slight accident on the highway on Wednesday. I’ll just say that his extra bulk was his saving grace. The delivery truck that hit the Cookiemobile head on (Manuel had exited the highway in the wrong lane) was a total loss, as was the Cookiemobile, but Manuel walked off unscathed. The driver of the delivery truck is in intensive care but, the doctors say, will recover the use of his lower body in a matter of time.


Michael Jackson's aye-aye (currently on display at the Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo)

In petting zoo news, we received from the Pitts (as the first installment to the Seagal-Uribe estate of the dismantlement of Michael Jackson’s private zoo) a darling little creature I had never seen or heard of before. The aye-aye is a rodent, Brad told me, but behaves like a woodpecker, and it’s the world's largest nocturnal primate. What particularly endeared me to my new furry friend is its unique method of finding food, which I’ll save for another day.

And, finally, dieting-wise, Manuel and I have turned to a completely revolutionary diet Manuel discovered yesterday on YouTube, Calorie Shifting, otherwise known as The Idiot Proof Diet. We ordered our first two weeks of idiot proof diet recipes for $39.99, along with a calorie counter and a handbook. The Calorie Shifting method works by confusing your body’s metabolism by continually shocking it with erratic caloric values. For instance, you may eat a bowl of muesli in the morning and then, in the evening or afternoon even, hit your organism with a McDonald’s Value Meal, as a wake-up call. We’ve agreed to spend a final day in relative freedom, Manuel suggesting a 24-hour barbecue to celebrate our burgeoning friendship and the composition of You Can’t Fool the Fat Man’s first track, Slow Haul.

Yesterday’s Meals:

24-hour Barbecue with Manuel Uribe

My weight: 584 lbs