Manuel Uribe Tried to Eat Me

Image of the day: Gus Papathanasopoulos, Inventor and CEO of NeoFat

Have been in a state of emotional shock for the past two days. In retrospect, I should have known this was coming but, as always, even the inevitable will catch us off-guard. Manuel attempted, in between a mid-morning and lunchtime calorie shift, to eat me. Part of me. I’m sure he thought I wouldn’t notice. Anyway, as I was saying, the Pirelli tires were the give-away, and the fact that he didn’t even bat an eye as he devoured his brand new cart. This was a man in need of serious help, a man of triumphant but masochistic appetites. And to think I’d almost let him lead me down that path.

I realize I did, as my dieting statistics indicate, ‘eat’ my spare cart parts, but I got no enjoyment from them, none at all, whereas Manuel ate a whole cart including a lazy Susan and a 1.8 cc engine with obvious relish, betraying no signs that what he was doing (eating a gift, my gift) was a serious breach of our friendship. I feel awful, drained, absolutely immobile. And, to rub salt in my wounds, I also just discovered that 11 of our original 25 piglets are missing. What disturbs me about this isn’t that Manuel ‘ate’ our pigs or threw himself a private feast but that he thought he had to go behind my back to do it. I guess I really just thought we had something special.

Of course, these horrible events have necessitated some minor adjustments to our petting zoo policy. The Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo (formerly) is now the Segal-Busey-Jackson (Tito, not Michael, though Michael retains his rights from the Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo) Petting Zoo. I have also agreed, on Tito and Gary’s insistence, to put up two additional lifetime achievement tents for my partners. Gary’s tent will be considerably smaller than mine (my achievements being without a doubt that much greater), Tito’s considerably smaller than Gary’s (Tito’s achievements being, by general consensus, non-existent).

I suppose the only comforting news to report is that my microlipids arrived by FedEx courier yesterday afternoon with apologies from Gus. He had sent my barrels to Kurt Russell, who is also apparently a user.

Otherwise, preparing the house for Dr. Otix, who will arrive (fingers crossed) this afternoon.

Finally, added a new panel at the bottom "Seagal Side by Side". I did this because I realized that since I hit the 500-lb mark it's probably been difficult for you to get an idea of my actual size. Enjoy.

Yesterday’s Meals:

Breakfast

Astronol, Egg Whites, NeoCal Healthy Fat “Fat” Porridge

Mid-Morning Snack
Cholesterol Tablet with Antihistamines, Platter Assorted Microsaturated Fats

Lunch
Double-Wrapped Microsaturated Fat Cakes with Rice Crackers

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Prosciutto Tunnel with Microlipid Drizzle and Oregano

Dinner
NeoFat Taste Buddies (incredible taste, you’ll hardly know it’s just fat), Peking Duck

After-Dinner Snack
Menudos (in honor of Manuel; I owe him at least a snack), Earth Enzymes Drain Opener

Side by side:

My Weight: 608
2008 Honda Civic: 1550 lbs.