The Slimming Touch
Image of the day: Mr. Super Size 3 "Cruisin'" (courtesy of McDonald's)On the wings of Slimming Touch (how else could I describe it?) I managed to crouch today! It happened spontaneously in the middle of scene 27 of Genghis in the fields behind the Petting Zoo. I had just started to zoom forth on my cart to pillage a Jurchid wedding feast and, with Dr. Otix waving from the Lifetime Achievements Tent, I just stopped the cart and stood up halfway. I couldn’t help myself, the need to move was too strong.
Emilio Estevez, who is doing all the off-location camera work, wasn’t sure whether to keep shooting, but thank God he did, because he captured a very rare and special moment. Not just for my fans, who have had justifiable doubts about my fitness to play this high-octane role, but for Team Seagal, whose morale had been lagging ever since I made the announcement that I would shoot the picture cart-bound.
Can’t say much more than that. Or can I? Indeed, I must and will.
I GAINED 1 ½ POUNDS YESTERDAY!
I can’t quite believe it myself, so I’ll say it one more time: I, STEVEN SEAGAL, GAINED ONLY 32 OUNCES IN 24 HOURS!
Chatto was, of course, beside himself. Simpuk and Eric actually wept. And to think I owe it all to Dr. Otix’ Slimming Touch Tonic and McDonald’s. With all the queer dieting trends making the rounds these days, you never really know where to turn or into whose hands to put your surplus pounds. It’s just plain crazy luck that I found my path, and at just the right moment (skyrocketing towards the 700-lb mark is no joke). Still, I encourage you in your dieting endeavors, both large and small, and pray for you daily so that you too may meet with similar success and eventually see, like I have, a day of such minimal weight gain.
God bless and 32 ounces of chi to you!
Yesterday’s Meals (Note to readers— Yesterday, Mitch Lavoris, my McDonald’s man, and I decided to play around with the Super Size concept, and came up with a few new possibilities for the revival campaign, all of which fall under the Super Size rubric):
Breakfast
6 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, Hash Brown Forklift (don’t try this at home)
Lunch
8 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, Big N Tasty Sandbox (ditto)
Dinner
7 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, McDumpTruck (don’t know why everyone was so impressed with this one. You can’t really say you’re ‘eating’ a quarter ton of beef patties when you’ve got all those buns to take into consideration, and it wasn’t really a ‘dump truck’, more like a fruit truck.)
Side by Side:
My weight: 643 ½ lbs
Wooly Mammoth Fetus: 800 lbs
Emilio Estevez, who is doing all the off-location camera work, wasn’t sure whether to keep shooting, but thank God he did, because he captured a very rare and special moment. Not just for my fans, who have had justifiable doubts about my fitness to play this high-octane role, but for Team Seagal, whose morale had been lagging ever since I made the announcement that I would shoot the picture cart-bound.
Can’t say much more than that. Or can I? Indeed, I must and will.
I GAINED 1 ½ POUNDS YESTERDAY!
I can’t quite believe it myself, so I’ll say it one more time: I, STEVEN SEAGAL, GAINED ONLY 32 OUNCES IN 24 HOURS!
Chatto was, of course, beside himself. Simpuk and Eric actually wept. And to think I owe it all to Dr. Otix’ Slimming Touch Tonic and McDonald’s. With all the queer dieting trends making the rounds these days, you never really know where to turn or into whose hands to put your surplus pounds. It’s just plain crazy luck that I found my path, and at just the right moment (skyrocketing towards the 700-lb mark is no joke). Still, I encourage you in your dieting endeavors, both large and small, and pray for you daily so that you too may meet with similar success and eventually see, like I have, a day of such minimal weight gain.
God bless and 32 ounces of chi to you!
Yesterday’s Meals (Note to readers— Yesterday, Mitch Lavoris, my McDonald’s man, and I decided to play around with the Super Size concept, and came up with a few new possibilities for the revival campaign, all of which fall under the Super Size rubric):
Breakfast
6 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, Hash Brown Forklift (don’t try this at home)
Lunch
8 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, Big N Tasty Sandbox (ditto)
Dinner
7 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, McDumpTruck (don’t know why everyone was so impressed with this one. You can’t really say you’re ‘eating’ a quarter ton of beef patties when you’ve got all those buns to take into consideration, and it wasn’t really a ‘dump truck’, more like a fruit truck.)
Side by Side:
My weight: 643 ½ lbs
Wooly Mammoth Fetus: 800 lbs
posted by The Master at
6:29 AM
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