KWG Vigil: Lucky Number 13

Image of the day: Mr. Super Size 4 "Going for the Gold" (courtesy of McDonald's)

I’ve taken the time to write today from my KWG because, in this critical moment of imminent weight loss, when my dreams and yours are so close to fruition, I owe it to my fans. You’ve stuck by my through thick and thin, thickest and thicker, and now that I’m about to shed an ounce, I want you to be here with me to witness this miraculous moment. Unlike my so-called Hollywood ‘friends’ and ‘supporters’ (I can a name a few but won’t except for Tito Jackson who has been making Seagal fat jokes on his official website) who have abandoned me in my darkest hours (months is more like it), you have been there to share my joys (midnight snacks, periodic feasts, colonic irrigations, etc.) and sorrows. This means more to me than I can put into words, especially now that I’m teetering on the verge of a bedridden existence and the ability to touch my toes, which I managed to do yesterday, and weigh more than a Toyota Corolla.

So, here is the state of affairs as of 10 a.m. this morning. Yesterday, after shooting scene 27 of Genghis, in which I spontaneously crouched, and scene 23, when I managed to touch my toes, I carted over to the drive-thru for a late breakfast. Instead of eating somewhere on the Seagal grounds, as I usually do, I parked directly on top of the KWG. As I was a consuming my meal, 13 Big Macs (read Super Size), I noticed that the scale started behaving in a very odd way. Instead of spontaneously gaining mass poundage, my unfortunate predicament, I only gained a ¼ lb. Deducing a direct correlation between the amount of Big Mac Super Size Meals and Slimming Touch I consumed and this minimal gain, Dr. Otix had me remain on the scale and repeat the experiment 2 hours later at lunchtime with almost identical results. Except this time I only gained an 1/8 of a pound. Remarkable, don’t you think? Then, just to make sure, we did it again at dinnertime (a long time to spend parked on a scale but well worth it), and I showed absolutely no weight gain. In total, I gained ¾ of a pound the whole day. Needless to say, I’ve been confined to the scale ever since and will repeat the experiment again today. Please, please, pray for me and join me in sending negative chi to Tito Jackson. He is a cruel man with a caviar problem who would not be where he is today without my patient understanding and bi-weekly allowances.

Yesterday’s Meals:

Late Breakfast
8 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, 13 Super Size Big Mac Meals

Early Lunch
8 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, 13 Super Size Big Mac Meals

Dinner
8 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, 13 Super Size Big Mac Meals

Side By Side:

My weight: 644 ¼ lbs
2 Bull Walruses and a Plate of Rice: 690 lbs