OBESITY ALERT CODE 3: CREEPING WEIGHT GAIN

Image of the day: Hello from the Poshtarenku Girl's Orphanage in Moldova

Just wanted to say that, after a day of catastrophic weight gain, I have managed to reduce my hourly mass accumulation to roughly 1/8 of a pound. While Dr. Otix has made his position clear (that it was the after-dinner Tic Tac I ate last Thursday that triggered my impossibly rampant obesity), I have my doubts and have asked Drahousek to allow the NeoFat Team, who have stayed behind, to put Slimming Touch’s ‘secret ingredient’ to their own, Chinese-patented microsaturation tests. For now, I’ve moved my waterbed into a 10-man tent behind the Petting Zoo, just in case I see any sort of dramatic expansion while asleep, and have additionally requested that Simpuk stand guard over me to make sure that if I do expand beyond the maximum weight capacity of my waterbed (a difficult figure to estimate) there will be somebody there to collapse the tent and roll me to dry ground. The KWG has been relocated to the Tito Jackson Lifetime Achievements Tent.

On the bright side, I have received many thoughtful cards and well-wishing letters from my ‘true’ fans, including a group portrait of the Poshtarenku Girl’s Orphanage in Moldova (which I recently endowed with a musical fountain), an e-mail from the Pope and a lovely bouquet of mimosas from Chuck Norris. Busey even stopped by today. Have been trying to reach Speakman but can only get his houseboy, Dijit.

My meals, once the cornerstone of my dieting regimen, have been reduced to a single pathetic McDonald’s Super Size Entrée of my choice (stipulated, of course, in my contract) administered (holding a fork is tricky for me at this point) 6 times daily, though I have conscientiously reduced this to 5.

And now I have to thank Chatto for going, as always, beyond the call of duty for his Sensei. I can only hope he forgives me for eating his right pinky.

Thank you and, once again, the very best of chi,

Sensei

Yesterday’s Meals:

5 McDonald’s Super Size Meals administered throughout the day by Chatto, and then Simpuk

Side by Side:

My Weight: 705 lbs
Pygmy Hippopotamus: 600 lbs