Fruit of the Week: The Chayote

Image of the Day: Alec Baldwin Auditioning for Guest Appearance on The Love Boat

Was woken up from a midday snooze in the Pebble Garden yesterday by the unusual sound of a long-toothed pest nibbling at my toes. Imagine my surprise (and delight) when I rose to a quarter sitting position to discover it was only my new four-legged Laotian friend, Tivid, a kha-nyou salvaged from the Seagal-Uribe Petting Zoo. This tough customer had been surviving for the past few months on the remains of stockmol industrial pig feed (those were the days!) left in the Tito Jackson Lifetime Achievements Tent. Tonight, since my schedule seems free, I've decided to sew him a little hempen Team Seagal uniform. Which encapsulates in its odd way my life philosophy at the moment: New Friends, New Directions.

Lacking the former, I'll speak about the latter: New Directions. I'm on a chayote diet! Everything about this wonderful Costa Rican cucurbitacea is 100% edible. You can boil it, stuff it, mash it, fry or pickle it, and it's chock full of Vitamin C and amino acids. And, good news for water retention and hemorrhoid sufferers (I'm not going to name names . . . Chuck Norris), its leaves are a natural diuretic with soothing anti-inflammatory properties. And chayotes are perfect with sashimi, salads, tidbits, stuffed pizzas, buffets, Big Macs (which I'm no longer eating) and whatever else you might fancy for a snack or major meal or anything in between. I owe this discovery to Captain Lou Albano, who visited the other day with his houseboy, Vargus, another tough customer. He beat me in a round of seated Indian wrestling.

Otherwise, keeping busy with a project I'd been meaning to get to for quite a while. Don't want to blow the whistle just yet (rumors beget rumors) but let's just say it's Vintage Early Seagal, and Vintage Early Seagal you've never seen. I'm talking home videos, bar mitzvah footage, and plenty of high-impact tough guy stuff from my slenderer days. As for my weight . . . weight shmeight! I'm enjoying life to the fullest in whatever new ways offer themselves to a man of severely restricted body movements. That's it for now. Great to be back. My chayotes are waiting, time to fire up the crane.

My Weight: 935 lbs

Alec Baldwin on his speed boat with a pregnant manatee: 1645 lbs