The Shock of Two Lifetimes

Image of the Day: The Golden Corral– Pioneers in Buffet Policy

I have to say that never in my 30-plus years as a leading voice for political reform have I been more stymied and outraged with the US political system than I was yesterday, when I was informed (in a very rude way) by the California Board of Elections that my petition to vote twice had been denied. 

When I am asked to pay for two seats, as I am regularly, on empty commuter flights, I have never contested this. I am a big man, and naturally require more leg room. And has TWA ever offered me two meals? Just twice. When I have been denied extra passes at buffets throughout the Greater Los Angeles Area (if a limit is not explicitly stated in writing on the buffet or the menu, it is unconstitutional to enforce such a law), I have taken it in stride. But now that the tables are turned and I demand my right to vote as two citizens, they treat me as one. Not to mention the fact that, in doing so, they have completely ignored my status as a Buddhist reincarnation. Or the fact that cranes and forklifts aren't typically provided at voting facilities. 

I was particularly wounded by an article in the Guardian titled "Over-the-Hill Yankee Porker Asks For Second Pass At Voting Booth", and by a companion piece in the LA Times, "Martial Arts Has-Been Demands Suffrage by the Pound". I have taken the matter up with my lawyer, Myron Beas (who does not charge by the pound, as the Harrison Centennial in Cleveland misstated, but by the legal hour), and have decided to call a special meeting of my political action group, Lamas for Obama. And just for the record, Alec Baldwin (and the rest of the Baldwins) are officially 'outraged' too. Thank you, Baldwins, as always, for your support.

To make matters worse, many of my chayotes have spoiled and I am preposterously gassy (and down to about a pint of chi). For this reason I have decided to spend the rest of the day in the Chatto Godevi Memorial Pond, passing wind. 

My weight: 937 lbs.

TWA collapsible deplaning steps: 1350 lbs.