I've Got Mail!

Image of the Day: Late for the Krispy Kreme Auditions in Poseidon, TX

Received this message yesterday morning from Buster2 in Melton, Delaware: "Dear Sensei, my toenail fell off last week. Could my diet have anything to do with it?" 

You bet your diet has something to do with it, Buster2. Oddly enough, six of my toenails fell off over the summer and they haven't grown back yet. My weight management therapist says it very probably had something to do with my diet, which was almost exclusively limited to Moldovan Celebrity Squares audition cold buffets. On the other hand, you should probably specify which toe you're talking about. As very few of you may know, I have 12 toes, which is good for picking up bamboo swords on the run but very painful when you're stricken by gout. I have been gouty for approximately three years.

Morgan Freeman of Pierpont, Maine writes: "Do you consider yourself more of a martial artist or a weight activist? And could you kick my ass, chair-bound?" 

My answer is obviously neither. I've always hated to be pegged as anything. I'm no more a martial artist than I am a Buddhist, no more a weight activist than a chronic overeater or a marksman. If I could say anything about myself, it would be that I love people. I am a people lover and a person of love. That said, I could still kick your ass, Morgan. Don't underestimate the vast amounts of psychic energy and sex appeal I still have at my disposal. 

And, to Craig Fisk from Team Obama in Richmond, Virginia, thanks so much for DHLing the updated requirements for 'double citizenship'. As it turns out, I didn't quite make the weight cut-off, and won't likely hit the half ton mark (we're talking long tons, right?) by election time, but maybe next year. In fact, very likely by Thanksgiving. So I'll just have to vote for Barack once. And I know this was a joke, but I don't think 'sitting on John McCain' is an option at this point. Do you really think that's funny? Besides, if I sat on John McCain, he would probably survive. He's an 8th Dan Aikido master, and a practicing Buddhist.

On a personal note, I'm feeling much better all around. Still packing away the chayotes (they never seem to end when you buy them by the crop) and I'm giving my next dieting move some serious attention. Though I suppose the best news of the week is that my anti-gravity suit will arrive (fingers crossed) next week, pending a credit check in Waipu. It's been particularly debilitating these past few months being forklifted from photo shoot to press conference, not to mention an expense. Forklifts consume an incredible amount of gas, which even as a single US citizen I'm doing my best to cut back on.

I guess that's all for now. Thanks again for the kind words. As always,

 

Your Sensei

My Weight: 937 lbs.

My Weight if I were allowed to vote twice: 1120 lbs.