Celebrity Bloating: A Personal Critique

Image of the Day: Val Kilmer, Bloated 

I have mixed feelings about the Celebrity Bloating article forwarded to me by Tito Jackson yesterday. One the one hand, I feel that there is much to gain from a close reading. The introduction itself speaks volumes for the sanity and thoughtfulness the author(s) bring to a much misunderstood issue. "There is nothing more disheartening than starting the week feeling limber and lithe, and ending it feeling like a bloated whale. Both men and women are prone to sudden weight gain and for most, IT'S NOT DUE TO A FAST FOOD FRENZY." And, in the following paragraph, a chief culprit for bloating is rightly identified as 'breathing too much air, which can leave even the most toned of tummies looking rotund," a problem I've always had. 

Unfortunately, the misinformation that follows reveals that the author has no real experience with Chronic Gas Suppression or the Chronic Gas Suppression Cycle, or what it's like to suffer from its effects. 

For one, anyone who's been diagnosed with CGS (a hitherto rare but growing community among celebrities and non-celebrities alike) knows that "drinking too much soda" doesn't really have anything to do with chronic bloating. This is more or less an urban legend (i.e. Bobby the Bad Boy who drank a case of Mr. Pibb and exploded). The second culprit according to the Celebrity Bloating experts, "you're a lazy fat pig," is not only demeaning to those of us who would potentially fit this medical category (if it existed), but also just patently incorrect. My being lazy has nothing to do with my gas suppression. I wish it did, but it just isn't the truth.

Third, and the worst in my book, is a predilection for "gassy foods", which is hoodoo plain and simple. Among the "gassy foods" listed are: cabbage, legumes, onions, prunes, coffee cakes, extra cheese pizzas, dark beer and all fried and fatty foods. I have just about proven (through long-term rigorous testing) that fried and fatty foods have nothing to do with my bloating. Why do I bloat when I'm collecting pebbles for my Buddhist Pebble Garden then? Why am I disturbingly gassy during my twice-daily meditation sessions? Or when I'm merely focusing on or thinking about fried fatty foods. The answer is that the author has obviously ignored the psychological and karmic factors of gassiness.

Basically, I'm just fed up with being just another 'bloated celebrity'. According to the real experts, the pneumaticians at the CGS clinics in Malibu, at least 10% of my 900 and some odd pounds is demonstrably gas, a condition I'm likely to suffer from until I am either popped (not likely) or explode (impossible). Another downside to CGS is that as the body becomes more bloated, the fat cells multiply, why I don't know. So, sad to say, in theory at least I'm doomed to Cyclical Bloating-Induced Self-Proliferating Adipose, CYBISPA, an illness with no known cure.

My weight: 982 lbs.

My gas: 98.2 lbs.