Holiday Tidings from the L.A.S.D.

Image of the Day: Chuck Norris R.I.P. (March 10th, 1940-December 27th, 2008)

The following has been posted by The Unofficial Steven Seagal Website by permission of the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department in connection with the murder of Chuck Norris, a.k.a. The Angel of Pain, a.k.a Your Worst Nightmare, a.k.a. The Beard, precise cause of death unknown, time of death estimated to be between 2 and 4 a.m. Saturday morning, December 27th, 2008, autopsy pending.

From: Britt Pierceman, MD, Chief Coroner, L.A.S.D. Coroner's Office
To: Montclair Pitney, Chief Assistant District Attorney, LA County DA's Office
cc: www.celebrityfatasses.com, www.stevenseagal.com, www.stevenseagaldiets.com, www.celebrityhasbeens.com, www.fattubsofshit.com, www.titojackson.com, www.jewishactionstarsoflowrepute.com, www.garybuseytribute.com, www.iamnotericroberts.com
Re: Shmuel Siegal, a.k.a. Steven Seagal

Dear Montclair,

You asked for my opinion on the likely cause of death of Mr. Norris, and though it isn't pretty, I'll have to stick with my original hypothesis, i.e. that Mr. Norris was in fact consumed by Mr. Siegal at sometime between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m. on Saturday, December 27th, 2008. While it is still not known how Mr. Siegal persuaded Mr. Norris into his Fisher & Paykel walk-in freezer and from there directly into his pizza oven, there is no doubt, based on the condition of the body found inside the suspect's stomach, that Mr. Norris was swallowed whole and slowly digested over the course of the following two days. What is particularly disturbing is that the suspect didn't even bother to disrobe his victim, swallowing among other things, Mr. Norris's Durango boots, Wrangler's, bolo, beard and jade belt buckle. I believe that the significant amounts of Heinz 57 steak sauce discovered in Mr. Siegal's gastrointestinal cavity days after the fact reveal that Mr. Norris was swallowed after being forced to ingest a large amount of the above-mentioned condiment on the suspect's assumption that it would be released into his bloodstream over time, giving a better flavor. I guess that's about it. I'm sorry if I can't give you more at this time, but as you know, Mr. Siegal's lawyer, Myron Beas, is being fairly uncooperative. Needless to say, this one will carry on through the new year. In fairness to Mr. Siegal, who has certainly had a rough time of it, I thought I'd add that he claims he's innocent. He also asked me to pass on the message to the various websites listed above that the dieting website (www.stevenseagaldiets.com) is a hoax. He seems to feel that they've been repeatedly, and purposely, underreporting his actual weight, which he says is currently 1238 lbs.

Thanks for your patience and have a great new year,

Britt