Snubbed by Michael Dudikoff

Image of the Day: Norris

Not too much to report. Just preparing for my annual Christmas dinner at the ranch. Did receive a few nice Christmas cards earlier in the week, from Doodie Costner, Wesley Snipes and Manuel Uribe, among others. Chuck Norris has officially accepted my dinner invitation. A bit nervous about that. Chuck, while he is the picture of cool on the screen, has a Pabst habit, and has been known to challenge celebrity hosts to no-holds-barred slap fights when he's in his cups. I would hate to roll on him. We'll see anyway. I've invited Chuck for a Monday dinner, the inauguration of my Christmas festivities, which will carry on throughout the week with open buffets, Buddhist snack bars, group and personal feasts, karaoke caroling, pizza bobbing and hot air ballooning, at the conclusion of which I will devour a pâté crèche.

The only bad news this week is that I was snubbed by Michael Dudikoff at the Jelly Belly Outlet in Modesto. Mike, who I've always been close to, called me the 'fattest Seagal impersonator' he'd ever seen and 'a raggedy-assed forklifting muthafucka', and proceeded to pelt me with piña colada jellybeans, which he knows I'm allergic to. The fact that he even knew about my forklift is suspicious since it's been disguised as a Mardi Gras float for the past month or so. I've dropped the slander suit, on the advice of Tito Jackson, and am currently pursuing a Jelly Belly plug (the store assistants maintained an air of indifference during the assault that could only be described as criminal negligence).

Anyway, enough kvetching. I'm off to Temecula to check on my vines.

Seasons Greetings,

Sensei

My weight: 997 1/2 lbs.

Seagal Fat Counter 1000: 2 1/2 lbs.