Lard Mogul Rumors Actually True

Image of the Day: Lard Eaters

At least the Wall Street Journal finally got something right. Their 'Celebrity Importers of Note' panel yesterday was, just this once, mostly accurate. I have (and will be for the foreseeable future) the biggest importer of artisanally manufactured palm lard in the western hemisphere. Though I was very unhappy about the way they phrased it and am currently seeking legal recourse.

"Seagal, who is now the size of the western hemisphere, is currently the biggest name in the palm lard market in Colombo."

Otherwise, feeling . . . how can I say this? . . . comfortably bloated? It just never occurred to me that I would ever get totally accustomed to my permanently and ever-increasingly bloated shape, but now it's almost second nature. It's almost like there's a whole extra reservoir of chi and good vibrations buzzing under my insulating fat, a whole other man.

And, just thought I'd mention this before A&E blows it out of all proportion, but Chuck Norris sent me a Christmas card yesterday. I have to admit I was baffled at first, and suspicious, but it seems to be sincere. Chuck has even agreed to plug Bayou Buffet on his new show, "Norris", which will have its premiere on Trenton State TV at 3 a.m. on New Year's morning after "The Sound of Music II".

My weight: 996 lbs.

Seagal Fat Counter 1000: 4 lbs.!