Stunning Last-Minute Testimony Saves Temecula Winery Owner With Food Addiction from Prison Time in Kisinov

Image of the Day: Gavin McFews, Christmas Dinner in Tipperary, 2007

This one speaks for itself, though I think the Pelly Crossing Banner, the Yukon Territory's leading paper, could have written "former action star" or "Hollywood bad boy." Anyway, at least they got the story right. In brief, my caterer (and close friend) on my last two projects, Gavin McFews, came to my rescue in a heated courtroom moment in Kisinov at the end of five days of poignant testimony from various former employees. Bix Cheevey, my stunt double and forklift operator on my last five projects, had accused me of "repeatedly making him look like a sissy on screen" and then "rolling over his shins in a fit of pique." And if it hadn't been for Gavin, who had witnessed the episode, I might have been looking at hard time in Moldova, where I do all my shooting these days because it's a hell of a lot more picturesque than Khanewal. What Gavin told the jury (with typical Irish pithiness), and what in fact happened, is that I "threatened to roll over Mr. Cheevey but, of course, never did. If Mr. Seagal had rolled over Mr. Cheevey, there is no doubt in my mind that Mr. Cheevey would not be alive today. The fact that Mr. Cheevey is alive today, therefore, precludes the possibility that such an attack ever took place. Mr. Seagal was aggravated by Mr. Cheevey's constant pestering, and he'd gained five pounds that day, so I think he was probably just upset. It should also be mentioned that Mr. Seagal had been counting on a celebrity endorsement from Siegal Diet Cookies that did not unfortunately come through. In short, my official judgment as Mr. Seagal's caterer is that Mr. Seagal had had a bad hair day, and threatened to roll over but did not actually roll over Mr. Cheevey, who is currently alive and therefore was not and could not have been rolled over."

100 KFC Family Buckets of Chi to Gavin in Kisinov! . . . Thanks, pal.
Otherwise, everything is fine. Just getting the house ready for Chuck's visit on Monday, and preparing for my Christmas feast.


My Weight: 998 lbs.
Seagal Fat Counter 1000: 2 lbs.