Rock and Roll

In the studio most of yesterday day recording alternate tracks for new album, Swamp Daddy. Decided to put Chatto, who has every right to a share of the limelight, on the cowbell. Is it just me or do guitar straps tend to contract in the humidity? Mine has shrunk up two whole sizes. My D-finger is a bit puffy. One of the wonderful things about playing the blues, though, is that it really works up an appetite. Put me behind that mic for an hour or two and I’m ready to eat a low-calorie house! On the other hand, Solomon Burke, an old ‘back porch’ friend of mine, and a great influence on my vocal technique, says I’m now bigger than him, and that if they ever tried to put us BOTH in the R&B Hall of Fame, they’d need to take Elvis out.

Yesterday's Meals
Breakfast
Egg whites on English muffin (4 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Fat-free fig cookies (4 points)

Lunch
Low-fat soy "egg" salad sandwich (5 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
One pork Buuz - Mongolian delicacy (4 points)

Dinner
Two slices mixed vegetable pizza with cheese removed (7 points)

Midnight Snack
Six slices mixed vegetable pizza with mixed vegetables removed

My Weight: 346 lbs

Busey is Back!

Gary finally turned up yesterday with his houseboy! Said what I’d done to Toro anyone would have done. Felt much better. Gary’s houseboy, Banroot, manned the Hibachi grill and prepared two excellent swordfish steaks with Gary’s famous teriyaki marinade, and then we went snorkeling in the water garden, finally. Pulled my right wrist demonstrating a very simple ‘slap and grip’ technique on Banroot. Gary thought my low-calorie strawberry daiquiri was lacking. Chatto wandered back home later that afternoon, thank God, with a bag of groceries (amen!) and I demanded the password for the refrigerator, which he’d somehow forgotten. Ordered new refrigerator from Fisher & Paykel, without an electronic lock. Stealthy Proposition is now making the rounds at Singh and Perdus Ltd., a subsidiary of Randall Hines Productions. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Yesterday’s Meals
Breakfast
Cracked wheat porridge, plain (3 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
2 servings Triscuits . . . low calorie vegetable spread in the fridge, thank you, Chatto! (4 points)

Lunch
Grilled swordfish steak in teriyaki sauce, bottle of Tsing Tsao (9 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Orange Julius . . . Gary brought me one from the mall (5 points)

Dinner
Nothing! Too full to eat!

Midnight Snack
Two 12-inch double-meat Subway Club sandwiches (If you figure that a Double Whopper with cheese is the equivalent of two double-meat Subway Clubs with all the works, I only ate one hamburger.)

My Weight: 339 lbs

S.O.S.

Slept most of yesterday. Chatto has decided to take a few days off. How can I stop him? Toro is keeping his distance. I believe I’ve reached the point of no return. Purification of some kind is at hand. Awoke at midnight with a craving for a Big Mac.

My Weight: 337 lbs

Getting Desperate

Chatto has been sleeping through more and more meal times. Haven’t eaten anything solid since Saturday afternoon. Phone lines out. Stopped by Gary’s but Gary was out. Where is he? Speakman is in Bucharest shooting latest picture, Unwilling Proposition; told me via e-mail to focus energy on something else. Is he serious? My little four-legged friend, Toro, on the other hand, is prospering. He follows me everywhere. Have taken to wandering the house in boxer shorts.

Yesterday’s Meals
Cup of jasmine tea (from garden), fistful of weeds (1/2 point)

My Weight: 336 ¾ lbs

Sunday Morning Blues

Felt peaked yesterday afternoon. Had a visit from Doctor Baswabi: blood pressure, urine and stool samples. The doctor said my stools are ‘robust.' Shinjuku robe almost fit. Sank into an early afternoon torpor, watched Under Siege 2 with Chatto. Chatto fell asleep on the couch. I didn’t wake him to prepare lunch and so went without it. Chatto slept through mid-afternoon snack time and was still sleeping at dinner time; couldn’t access refrigerator without password. Called the Fisher & Paykel people, but it seems it’s company policy not to give out passwords. Stumped. Tumbled around on the mat in the Practice Room for an hour and threw my back out. My buttocks ache as I write. Practically nothing to eat since yesterday afternoon. Should I call Speakman?

Yesterday’s Meals
Breakfast
Fluffed egg whites (2 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Marmite on wholegrain bread (3 points)

My Weight: 336 lbs

Serious Steps

Fisher & Paykel people arrived yesterday and installed electronic lock on refrigerator. Chatto has been entrusted with the password. Feeling good. Ran power sprints in Meditation Meadow in back of pebble garden (5 min), followed by three sets of five sit-ups, and a jumping jack. Broke out in a sweat! Today I think I’ll try on my Shinjuku robe; I have a feeling it might fit this time. Examined my sword collection after lunch yesterday and answered wolf pup protection scheme: I will donate $10,000 as long as they agree to photograph me with a wolf pup. All in all, a very productive day. Gary said he would be stopping by next weekend for a mid-afternoon snack. What will I prepare? Patience.

Yesterday’s Meals
Breakfast
3% fat cream cheese and smoked salmon on slice of rye bread (6 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Glass of pomegranate juice (3 points)

Lunch
Yellow pepper consommé (4 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Dried soya shredded and laid on bed of bean sprouts with hoisin sauce (5 points)

Dinner
Fillet of sole served in its own juices, sweet potato pancakes baked with scallions and hot pepper, mango chutney, baked plaintain for desert (7 points)

Midnight Snack
Refrigerator locked

My Weight: 336 1/4 lbs

Less is More

If you’ve never taken the time to think about this, now is the time: Less is more. The applications are endless, and for the serious dieter, far-reaching. Instead of a packet of sunflower seeds, you now have a bowl! Half a Cornish hen served dry easily becomes an entire fowl dripping with juice! As most of you know, I’ve never preached what I haven’t practiced, and so yesterday was a day of 'less is more.' Since I really feel on the verge of a benchmark in my dieting, Chatto has contacted the Fisher & Paykel people to find out if electronic locks can be installed on their refrigerators. It seems the obvious step to take. Waiting to hear back. Until then, let me share Yesterday’s Meals with you.

Yesterday’s Meals:
Breakfast
Pinch of lemon zest (0 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Half serving dried cranberries and sunflower seeds (1 point)

Lunch
Lima bean (0 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Cored apple, baked and served with cinnamon and nutmeg garnish (1 point)

Dinner
Radish (0 points)

Midnight Snack
Two Pizza Hut personal pizzas

My Weight: 336 lbs

A Gift from the Gods

A day of rest and reflection yesterday. Performed sacred chants for the souls of my ancestors, minimal garden duties. The weeds have been subdued thanks to Chatto’s dedication and perseverance. Received correspondence from an orphanage in Bulgaria and from a wolf pup protection organization in Transylvania; will have Chatto look into both. And . . . a wonderful surprise! I found a little field mouse with a broken leg in the pebble garden yesterday afternoon. I patched the little fellow right back up and put on a splint. I’m going to call my new four-legged friend, Toro, after my favorite sashimi. Decided, on second thought, not to limit my diet to raw meat.

Yesterday’s meals
Breakfast
Poached eggs (4 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Smoked mackerel (5 points)

Lunch
Grilled tuna pita (6 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Celery sticks filled with organic peanut butter and raisins (4 points)

Dinner
Diced chicken wraps with low-calorie mayonnaise and curry dressing, light potato salad, chilled peach with lemon and organic sweetener (8 points)

Midnight Snack
Beef shwarma, gyro, falafel, french fries, Coca-Cola

My weight: 335 lbs

False Promises, New Vistas

Didn’t manage to go without breakfast yesterday after all, as Chatto had warned. Very bad news came through last night. I won’t be performing for the Knights Mendicant of Fetishti after all. (They had confused me with someone else – I still can’t figure out who – and weren’t looking for a martial arts demonstration at all; they needed a man skilled in gavage.) The only good news of the day is that my new album, Mojo Hands, is selling better than we’d expected in Kazakhstan. Chatto contacted the Moldovan embassy to see if any other fraternal organizations in South Ossetia might be interested in hosting a performance; didn’t get any positive leads. Didn’t find the time yesterday to meditate either, and worse, realized that the pebble garden is infested with the same creeping weed Gary has in his. I felt bloated for a few minutes after lunch but the feeling passed. I hope it doesn’t strike again!

Today's Meals
Breakfast
Grapefruit with two wedges of low calorie Emmenthal . . . not as bad as it sounds! (2 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Guava smoothie with vitamin booster (5 points)

Lunch
Chilled tofu salad with lime-ginger dressing (5 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rice cakes with low calorie cream cheese substitute (4 points)

Dinner
Eggs Benedict sauteed in olive oil with raddichio garnish (6 points)

Midnight Snack
12 oz. paté de foie gras (When I opted to go ahead with this midnight snack, I was feeling especially vulnerable and so overindulged. Initially, I thought I’d divide the package into two portions – for two midnight snacks – but once I started I just couldn’t stop. Chatto won’t even look me in the eye.)

South Ossetia Here I Come!

As you all know, my weight is skyrocketing. For this reason I decided yesterday to remove the second refrigerator from my bedroom and eliminate midnight snacks from my diet entirely. Chatto agrees that if I’m serious about slimming down, and God knows I am, the midnight snack is now my greatest enemy. Chatto has also agreed to stand guard outside my bedroom door between the hours of midnight and three, and has been authorized to attack. But today’s best news is that the Knights of Fetishti in South Ossetia have invited me to give a martial arts demonstration at their annual founding day celebration! After my recent success in Moldova, I think it’s safe to say that a comeback is in the works. I’ll wrap up this entry by saying that with the exception of a mid-morning snack of leftover swordfish, I managed to stay clear of the refrigerator all day yesterday, and no midnight snack!

My Weight: 330 lbs??

Success is a State of Mind

The treatment for my next film, Stealthy Proposition, was rejected by Paramount yesterday. As I sit in my pebble garden with a fruit smoothie reviewing this incident, all my doubts and fears have come back to haunt me. Am I really too obese to be taken seriously? Does size have anything to do with grace? Are my opponents, when locked in battle with me, really laughing at me behind my admittedly prodigious back? Is Jeff Speakman a svelter martial artist? Tried on my leather trench coat from Into the Sun, and it still fit, but I couldn’t touch my toes. B.B. King has recommended some stretching techniques. I think I’ll try them out. In the meanwhile, I think Chatto has discovered the extra refrigerator but hasn’t said anything about it yet. Is he laughing at me too?

Yesterday's Meals:
Breakfast

Cup of strained yogurt with sprinkling of Special K (4 points)

Mid-Morning Snack

Two poached eggs (4 points)

Lunch

Modified Caesar salad... didn't quite work (6 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack

Mixed crudités with dill-and-yogurt dressing (4 points)

Dinner

Leftover pheasant... perfect! (5 points)

Midnight Snack

One pint Haagen-Dazs Pistachio (I realized my prior bloating was due to lactose deficiency after all, and I was right. No longer bloated.)

My Weight: 328 lbs

A Good Friend is Worth More Than His Weight in Gold

Chatto, who I’ve trained myself, did a better job last night. Despite my efforts, I couldn’t get near the refrigerator. So no guilt today, though I find myself unaccountably bloated. And a little hurt. Gary called at the very last moment to say he couldn’t make it. This after I’d already bought his swordfish steaks and heated up the water garden for a swim. I’ve learned to deal with treacheries of this kind over the years, but Gary has always stuck by me. That’s life. Meditated in the Silent Room for a while and went for a walk in the pebble garden. I’m feeling much better now, if still slightly bloated. Installed second, portable, refrigerator in bedroom this morning, just in case.

Yesterday's Meals:
Breakfast
Portion of prunes (2 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Muesli with skim milk (5 points)

Lunch
Lean roast beef in watercress remoulade (4 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Ricotta pudding with 1 tbsp of organic dark sugar
(4 points)

Dinner
Grilled swordfish with steamed spinach and crushed potato (6 points)

My Weight: 328 pounds!

The Midnight Snack

I’m sitting on my waterbed racked by guilt . . . I hardly left my bedroom yesterday. Godiva truffles, and a whole box of them! I’ve disappointed myself and, God knows, my readers too. But there’s always a ray of hope. Here is mine: My houseboy, Chatto, has now been ordered to stand guard over the refrigerator in the wee hours of the night, when my old habits tend to get the best of me. Anyway, I think I should probably get up now. Gary Busey, an old friend, is coming over tonight for a barbecue (tolerance!) and a snorkeling session in my Buddhist water garden, and I need to send Chatto over to the Whole Foods. Gary’s suggested grilled swordfish steaks in a teriyaki marinade, while I’m leaning towards vegetarian shish kebab in peanut sauce. Will have to cheer Gary up. He’s been in the dumps since yesterday, when he read about that look-alike out in Aspen who hosed a kid with pepper spray and stole all his publicity. The funny thing is: Gary is a pepper spray fanatic and a crack-shot (he sprays me all the time), and he’s ALWAYS running stop signs. I just hope he brings his 3-wheeler this time.

Yesterday's Meals:
Breakfast
Apple wedges with low-fat cottage cheese (4 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Tea biscuit, glass of mineral water (2 points)

Lunch
One serving buffalo mozzarella (so little fat you’d cry!) with aged balsamic vinegar drizzle and fresh basil garnish, seared endive with peppercorn (5 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Granola balls (4 points)

Dinner
Sweet peppers stuffed with wild rice and seasonings, shredded cabbage salad, kiwi (6 points) . . . Family Bucket Kentucky Fried Chicken, 16 butter biscuits (no gravy), bucket dirty rice, bucket mashed potatoes, 1 New York Cheesecake (Here is the thing. I KNEW that Chatto was going to keep his word about the refrigerator, so I went on that hunch and developed a ‘just in case’ contingency for an ‘emergency’ scenario and stocked up right after dinner . . . and it worked! Chatto never suspected a thing!)

My weight: 327 lbs?