Sued... By My Own Double!

Unbelievable news. I’m being sued by my stunt double of over two decades! The treacherous beast had the nerve to accuse me of ‘losing him work’ on the grounds that ‘anyone who looks like Steven Seagal and who has been forced (forced!) to act like Steven Seagal for the better part of two decades faces the impossible challenge of playing anyone else.’ Wait, there’s more: ‘Because I have been required to keep up with and conform to Mr. Seagal’s progressively erratic body structure, I haven’t had the option of pursuing other, svelter roles. As it is now, I am only fit to double for Mr. Seagal or Marlon Brando, and Mr. Brando is dead.’ And I taught that second-rate tub of lard everything he knows about defensive slapping and aggressive squatting! When he was landing roles like Bodyguard 1 and Angry Bouncer, I was the one that gave him free Aikido lessons so he’d be able to play ME! I was too angry to eat dinner. Meditated for 15 minutes, cleared the weeds off Toro’s gravesite.

Yesterday’s Meals
Breakfast
One serving buckwheat pancakes with 1 tbsp of unfiltered dark molasses (6 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Passed on this one, unfortunately

Lunch
Leftover swordfish with red beans and rice (5 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
1 oz. ginger candies . . . very good on the bowels (2 points)

Dinner
Another pass

Midnight Snack
Corned beef hash and grits, three servings buckwheat pancakes, Denver omelet, hash browns, eight spicy sausage links, five pieces Canadian bacon, loaf of white bread, toasted, with brick of butter and jar of apple jelly, five servings banana pudding, bottle of chocolate syrup, bag of marshmallows, bag of Twizzlers, Cotton Candy, Saltines with butterscotch sauce, Whiskas Junior, spatula, bread board, mobile phone

My Weight: 344 lbs

Meat is Chi

More stamina, more focus, more healthy chi . . . Raw meat! I decided to begin this new diet yesterday, because rumor has it that it was the only thing Marlon Brando tried that ever worked. Got an e-mail from Jeff Speakman today; will put it up as a link. Jeff’s own struggles with his extra poundage have been tied to my own, though I’ve always thought that Jeff was merely ‘tubby’ or ‘paunchy’ but never staggeringly obese. Jeff and I have been exchanging letters for a while now; he’s a good little ‘fat’ buddy. Problems: I can’t fit into any of my clothes, even my Buddhist robes, and have difficulty moving from the couch. I figure after a day or two, when the meat does its job, I’ll feel more lively. Chatto is shaking his head.

Yesterday's Meals:
Breakfast
One serving veal liver tartine (4 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Half serving pork cutlet in lime juice and salt (5 points)

Lunch
Steak tartare (7 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Congealed beef stock (4 point)

Dinner
Cubed tenderloin mixed with pineapple soaked in tequila, wild rice, leek in lemon sauce, no dessert (5 points)

Midnight Snack
Two tubs of Cool Whip Light, mayonnaise and cucumber on white bread squares, one candy apple, sampling of marzipan (All that raw beef obviously had the opposite effect. My appetite later returned with a vengeance! That's to be expected with such a drastic dietary change.)

My Weight: 334 lbs

Success is a State of Mind

The treatment for my next film, Stealthy Proposition, was rejected by Paramount yesterday. As I sit in my pebble garden with a fruit smoothie reviewing this incident, all my doubts and fears have come back to haunt me. Am I really too obese to be taken seriously? Does size have anything to do with grace? Are my opponents, when locked in battle with me, really laughing at me behind my admittedly prodigious back? Is Jeff Speakman a svelter martial artist? Tried on my leather trench coat from Into the Sun, and it still fit, but I couldn’t touch my toes. B.B. King has recommended some stretching techniques. I think I’ll try them out. In the meanwhile, I think Chatto has discovered the extra refrigerator but hasn’t said anything about it yet. Is he laughing at me too?

Yesterday's Meals:
Breakfast

Cup of strained yogurt with sprinkling of Special K (4 points)

Mid-Morning Snack

Two poached eggs (4 points)

Lunch

Modified Caesar salad... didn't quite work (6 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack

Mixed crudités with dill-and-yogurt dressing (4 points)

Dinner

Leftover pheasant... perfect! (5 points)

Midnight Snack

One pint Haagen-Dazs Pistachio (I realized my prior bloating was due to lactose deficiency after all, and I was right. No longer bloated.)

My Weight: 328 lbs

Feel Good, All of You

Now that my weight issues are out in the open, I’m much more comfortable with the idea that my body is no longer the ‘perfect weapon’ it used to be. In the past I could cover this up with a roomy leather coat or a spacious robe, but the fact is ‘the mirror is the only judge.' I know I’m not alone either. There are plenty of higher-paid martial arts stars who have gone flabby over the years (they know who they are). Being the first to openly address his obesity, to show you who I am, all of me, gives me the spiritual power to proceed down the righteous path towards a more toned and appealing body.

Yesterday’s meals:
Breakfast
Slice of whole-grain toast with tomato and low calorie Swiss cheese (4 points)

Mid-morning Snack
Bowl of muesli with low fat milk (5 points)

Lunch
Single serving of Aunt Tabby’s Organic Spinach Macaroni and Gorgonzola Cheese . . . this was a great find! (5 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Packet of unsalted peanuts (3 points)

Dinner
Roast pheasant (hardly any fat there) stuffed with sage, onions, rice and raisins, washed down with a delicious Gewurtztraminer, stewed pears in light syrup for desert (10 points with the wine)

Midnight Snack
Selection of Godiva truffles left over from Christmas (Don’t criticize until you’ve been there yourself. And don’t make an enemy of your body. Give it what it wants occasionally.)

My Weight: 325.5 lbs

(Photo by geminder)