Sued... By My Own Double!

Unbelievable news. I’m being sued by my stunt double of over two decades! The treacherous beast had the nerve to accuse me of ‘losing him work’ on the grounds that ‘anyone who looks like Steven Seagal and who has been forced (forced!) to act like Steven Seagal for the better part of two decades faces the impossible challenge of playing anyone else.’ Wait, there’s more: ‘Because I have been required to keep up with and conform to Mr. Seagal’s progressively erratic body structure, I haven’t had the option of pursuing other, svelter roles. As it is now, I am only fit to double for Mr. Seagal or Marlon Brando, and Mr. Brando is dead.’ And I taught that second-rate tub of lard everything he knows about defensive slapping and aggressive squatting! When he was landing roles like Bodyguard 1 and Angry Bouncer, I was the one that gave him free Aikido lessons so he’d be able to play ME! I was too angry to eat dinner. Meditated for 15 minutes, cleared the weeds off Toro’s gravesite.

Yesterday’s Meals
Breakfast
One serving buckwheat pancakes with 1 tbsp of unfiltered dark molasses (6 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Passed on this one, unfortunately

Lunch
Leftover swordfish with red beans and rice (5 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
1 oz. ginger candies . . . very good on the bowels (2 points)

Dinner
Another pass

Midnight Snack
Corned beef hash and grits, three servings buckwheat pancakes, Denver omelet, hash browns, eight spicy sausage links, five pieces Canadian bacon, loaf of white bread, toasted, with brick of butter and jar of apple jelly, five servings banana pudding, bottle of chocolate syrup, bag of marshmallows, bag of Twizzlers, Cotton Candy, Saltines with butterscotch sauce, Whiskas Junior, spatula, bread board, mobile phone

My Weight: 344 lbs

Success is a State of Mind

The treatment for my next film, Stealthy Proposition, was rejected by Paramount yesterday. As I sit in my pebble garden with a fruit smoothie reviewing this incident, all my doubts and fears have come back to haunt me. Am I really too obese to be taken seriously? Does size have anything to do with grace? Are my opponents, when locked in battle with me, really laughing at me behind my admittedly prodigious back? Is Jeff Speakman a svelter martial artist? Tried on my leather trench coat from Into the Sun, and it still fit, but I couldn’t touch my toes. B.B. King has recommended some stretching techniques. I think I’ll try them out. In the meanwhile, I think Chatto has discovered the extra refrigerator but hasn’t said anything about it yet. Is he laughing at me too?

Yesterday's Meals:
Breakfast

Cup of strained yogurt with sprinkling of Special K (4 points)

Mid-Morning Snack

Two poached eggs (4 points)

Lunch

Modified Caesar salad... didn't quite work (6 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack

Mixed crudités with dill-and-yogurt dressing (4 points)

Dinner

Leftover pheasant... perfect! (5 points)

Midnight Snack

One pint Haagen-Dazs Pistachio (I realized my prior bloating was due to lactose deficiency after all, and I was right. No longer bloated.)

My Weight: 328 lbs

A Good Friend is Worth More Than His Weight in Gold

Chatto, who I’ve trained myself, did a better job last night. Despite my efforts, I couldn’t get near the refrigerator. So no guilt today, though I find myself unaccountably bloated. And a little hurt. Gary called at the very last moment to say he couldn’t make it. This after I’d already bought his swordfish steaks and heated up the water garden for a swim. I’ve learned to deal with treacheries of this kind over the years, but Gary has always stuck by me. That’s life. Meditated in the Silent Room for a while and went for a walk in the pebble garden. I’m feeling much better now, if still slightly bloated. Installed second, portable, refrigerator in bedroom this morning, just in case.

Yesterday's Meals:
Breakfast
Portion of prunes (2 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Muesli with skim milk (5 points)

Lunch
Lean roast beef in watercress remoulade (4 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Ricotta pudding with 1 tbsp of organic dark sugar
(4 points)

Dinner
Grilled swordfish with steamed spinach and crushed potato (6 points)

My Weight: 328 pounds!

Coming to Terms: Awakening, Challenge, Peace

Dear friends, fans and disciples,

Many of you know me only in one of my many creative roles, be it as a martial artist, top-grossing film star, blues musician, environmentalist, outspoken animal rights activist, best friend to Gary Busey, or cultural ambassador to Moldova. Despite all my activity in the public eye, I’ve kept silent for many years on what has been at the same time the most visible aspect of my life, and the most distressing: my tendency to bloat uncontrollably and randomly, and, in recent years, my explosive weight condition. But now is the time of opening doors, of self-control and discipline, of honesty and challenge. I am obese. I’m not ashamed to admit this anymore.

The Road to Recovery

Having realized that there was a direct correlation between my thunderous bulk and what I ate on a daily basis, I set about keeping a diary of my meals. But not only of my meals. What I soon discovered was that writing through the medium of food opened up new avenues to express my feelings, desires, fears, triumphs, setbacks, hopes and dreams! And that’s why Gary suggested I let you into the intimacy of my refrigerator. It wasn’t an easy decision to make. After all, a man is what he eats, as I’ve found out the hard way. But now that I’ve done it, I feel great about it and can’t wait to share my dieting strategies with you. So you too may gain insight. So you too may learn from my example. So you too will attain a body size you are happy with.

Every morning, I will post my blog entry documenting the previous day's activities. It will include: daily dairy entries, a list of what I consumed that day (Yesterday’s Meal) and my weight in pounds, measured daily, in my battle to achieve a svelter and more marketable physical appearance.

-SS

(Photo by Proggie)