Busey is Back!

Gary finally turned up yesterday with his houseboy! Said what I’d done to Toro anyone would have done. Felt much better. Gary’s houseboy, Banroot, manned the Hibachi grill and prepared two excellent swordfish steaks with Gary’s famous teriyaki marinade, and then we went snorkeling in the water garden, finally. Pulled my right wrist demonstrating a very simple ‘slap and grip’ technique on Banroot. Gary thought my low-calorie strawberry daiquiri was lacking. Chatto wandered back home later that afternoon, thank God, with a bag of groceries (amen!) and I demanded the password for the refrigerator, which he’d somehow forgotten. Ordered new refrigerator from Fisher & Paykel, without an electronic lock. Stealthy Proposition is now making the rounds at Singh and Perdus Ltd., a subsidiary of Randall Hines Productions. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Yesterday’s Meals
Breakfast
Cracked wheat porridge, plain (3 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
2 servings Triscuits . . . low calorie vegetable spread in the fridge, thank you, Chatto! (4 points)

Lunch
Grilled swordfish steak in teriyaki sauce, bottle of Tsing Tsao (9 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Orange Julius . . . Gary brought me one from the mall (5 points)

Dinner
Nothing! Too full to eat!

Midnight Snack
Two 12-inch double-meat Subway Club sandwiches (If you figure that a Double Whopper with cheese is the equivalent of two double-meat Subway Clubs with all the works, I only ate one hamburger.)

My Weight: 339 lbs

Black Tuesday

The Buddhists say that a man is the sum of his personal actions. When will power is low therein lies the test, and I have to say that I’ve failed mine miserably. When I rolled out of bed at 1 o’clock yesterday afternoon I was hallucinating. My head was throbbing and my heart rate was up, and I found, after repeatedly trying to force a bowel movement, that I had absolutely no stools. Meditation failed, as did a stroll in the pebble garden. Gary was still out. I knew what had to be done, and did it, even if it violated all my principles, both as a human and a Buddhist, not to mention an animal rights activist and a friend of all God’s creatures, large and small. I only hope my honesty counts for something.

Yesterday’s Meals
Toro, boiled and served on garnish of weeds (2 points)

My Weight: 337 lbs

Getting Desperate

Chatto has been sleeping through more and more meal times. Haven’t eaten anything solid since Saturday afternoon. Phone lines out. Stopped by Gary’s but Gary was out. Where is he? Speakman is in Bucharest shooting latest picture, Unwilling Proposition; told me via e-mail to focus energy on something else. Is he serious? My little four-legged friend, Toro, on the other hand, is prospering. He follows me everywhere. Have taken to wandering the house in boxer shorts.

Yesterday’s Meals
Cup of jasmine tea (from garden), fistful of weeds (1/2 point)

My Weight: 336 ¾ lbs

False Promises, New Vistas

Didn’t manage to go without breakfast yesterday after all, as Chatto had warned. Very bad news came through last night. I won’t be performing for the Knights Mendicant of Fetishti after all. (They had confused me with someone else – I still can’t figure out who – and weren’t looking for a martial arts demonstration at all; they needed a man skilled in gavage.) The only good news of the day is that my new album, Mojo Hands, is selling better than we’d expected in Kazakhstan. Chatto contacted the Moldovan embassy to see if any other fraternal organizations in South Ossetia might be interested in hosting a performance; didn’t get any positive leads. Didn’t find the time yesterday to meditate either, and worse, realized that the pebble garden is infested with the same creeping weed Gary has in his. I felt bloated for a few minutes after lunch but the feeling passed. I hope it doesn’t strike again!

Today's Meals
Breakfast
Grapefruit with two wedges of low calorie Emmenthal . . . not as bad as it sounds! (2 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Guava smoothie with vitamin booster (5 points)

Lunch
Chilled tofu salad with lime-ginger dressing (5 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rice cakes with low calorie cream cheese substitute (4 points)

Dinner
Eggs Benedict sauteed in olive oil with raddichio garnish (6 points)

Midnight Snack
12 oz. paté de foie gras (When I opted to go ahead with this midnight snack, I was feeling especially vulnerable and so overindulged. Initially, I thought I’d divide the package into two portions – for two midnight snacks – but once I started I just couldn’t stop. Chatto won’t even look me in the eye.)

A Good Friend is Worth More Than His Weight in Gold

Chatto, who I’ve trained myself, did a better job last night. Despite my efforts, I couldn’t get near the refrigerator. So no guilt today, though I find myself unaccountably bloated. And a little hurt. Gary called at the very last moment to say he couldn’t make it. This after I’d already bought his swordfish steaks and heated up the water garden for a swim. I’ve learned to deal with treacheries of this kind over the years, but Gary has always stuck by me. That’s life. Meditated in the Silent Room for a while and went for a walk in the pebble garden. I’m feeling much better now, if still slightly bloated. Installed second, portable, refrigerator in bedroom this morning, just in case.

Yesterday's Meals:
Breakfast
Portion of prunes (2 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Muesli with skim milk (5 points)

Lunch
Lean roast beef in watercress remoulade (4 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Ricotta pudding with 1 tbsp of organic dark sugar
(4 points)

Dinner
Grilled swordfish with steamed spinach and crushed potato (6 points)

My Weight: 328 pounds!

The Midnight Snack

I’m sitting on my waterbed racked by guilt . . . I hardly left my bedroom yesterday. Godiva truffles, and a whole box of them! I’ve disappointed myself and, God knows, my readers too. But there’s always a ray of hope. Here is mine: My houseboy, Chatto, has now been ordered to stand guard over the refrigerator in the wee hours of the night, when my old habits tend to get the best of me. Anyway, I think I should probably get up now. Gary Busey, an old friend, is coming over tonight for a barbecue (tolerance!) and a snorkeling session in my Buddhist water garden, and I need to send Chatto over to the Whole Foods. Gary’s suggested grilled swordfish steaks in a teriyaki marinade, while I’m leaning towards vegetarian shish kebab in peanut sauce. Will have to cheer Gary up. He’s been in the dumps since yesterday, when he read about that look-alike out in Aspen who hosed a kid with pepper spray and stole all his publicity. The funny thing is: Gary is a pepper spray fanatic and a crack-shot (he sprays me all the time), and he’s ALWAYS running stop signs. I just hope he brings his 3-wheeler this time.

Yesterday's Meals:
Breakfast
Apple wedges with low-fat cottage cheese (4 points)

Mid-Morning Snack
Tea biscuit, glass of mineral water (2 points)

Lunch
One serving buffalo mozzarella (so little fat you’d cry!) with aged balsamic vinegar drizzle and fresh basil garnish, seared endive with peppercorn (5 points)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Granola balls (4 points)

Dinner
Sweet peppers stuffed with wild rice and seasonings, shredded cabbage salad, kiwi (6 points) . . . Family Bucket Kentucky Fried Chicken, 16 butter biscuits (no gravy), bucket dirty rice, bucket mashed potatoes, 1 New York Cheesecake (Here is the thing. I KNEW that Chatto was going to keep his word about the refrigerator, so I went on that hunch and developed a ‘just in case’ contingency for an ‘emergency’ scenario and stocked up right after dinner . . . and it worked! Chatto never suspected a thing!)

My weight: 327 lbs?