Mr. Super Size

Image of the day: Mr. Super Size 1 "Pool Buddies" (courtesy of McDonald's)

Feeling light on my toes today and that’s because I put on a mere 6 pounds since Saturday’s weighing. But first, my latest news. On the dieting and personal health front, I’ve stopped expanding at the astronomical rate I described on Friday. This is wonderful news for me and my intimate circle of friends and hangers-on. Dr. Otix put a stop to that with a truly remarkable dieting tonic he patented himself in Romania several years back. Needless to say, I’m off Gus’ macrosaturated microlipids for the time being. Dr. Otix ‘Slimming Touch Tonic’ contains, among many other clinically tested, feel-good ingredients: Sebor’s weed, powdered wild forest mushrooms, Romanian mahogany squash zest, essence of boiled rhubarb, asparagus flowerettes, various seeds and lichens, artemisinin, manganese, fucothin, goji juice, prickly pear extract, Polish rock salt, and a secret herb (there’s always a secret!) whose identity the doctor won’t reveal as of yet. With the tonic Dr. Otix has given me a pale rubber suit. This remarkable suit is equipped with a facemask of microtextured tubing through which a gentle stream of mercury flows at a rate perfectly equilibrated to the flow of my gastric juices. In other words, the suit ‘knows’ when I’m hungry and the mercury, a natural appetite deterrent, picks up or slackens its pace accordingly. Dr. Otix has also asked me to keep smooth metallic stones under my tongue and armpits throughout the day, though he hasn’t said why.

Second, a breakthrough endorsement. I’ve finally gotten the nod from McDonald’s to be the celebrity face for their campaign to revive the classic Super Size Meal, Mr. Super Size! Don’t know why they ever stopped but I’m happy as always to lend my name and body size to a good cause. In the next few days, I’ll be including some stills (four in all) on the blog in which you can see for yourselves the new face of Super Size dining. Very excited about this.

And last, encouraged by Dr. Otix’ presence, I went ahead and shot the first scene of I Am Genghis Khan on my Sony hand-held. While I was happy to be back in the saddle (no pun intended), therein lies the problem, or, should I say, getting off the saddle. As Gary and Eric both pointed out, there will be no problem converting my cart into a battle elephant using CGI, but then how to shoot the scenes (so many of them) when Genghis doesn’t appear on his battle elephant? The feasting scenes, for instance, when Genghis appears in his tent at the head of a fabulous spread of Mongolian delicacies, golden goblets and assorted booty? Or my romantic interludes, ten in all? Or the battle sequences when I appear not on my elephant but on two legs clashing with the ruthless Jurchids? Here, again, Dr. Otix came to the rescue. The doctor suggested I shoot all my scenes atop my battle elephant. And why not? In fact, why should I do it any other way? A whole film (and without a doubt the first film) shot from the vantage point of a battle elephant . . . It’s pure genius.

A brief explanation of Dr. Otix’ diet: Basically, the diet entails progressively larger doses of Slimming Touch Tonic. Because the tonic is so effective, it must be introduced into the body in this way. Otherwise, the doctor warned, I might just lose my appetite entirely, which would be devastating for my Super Size endorsement. As the face of its Super Size campaign, McDonald’s has expressed the wish that I eat one or more of their Super Size meals per day. Preferably just one, but the sky, as they say, is the limit. Finally, Dr. Otix has asked me to try to limit my daily meals to three because he hasn’t tested Slimming Touch’s effectiveness on daily caloric intakes increased dramatically by the regular consumption of snacks and/or periodic feasts.

Yesterday’s Meals (Unless otherwise indicated all Super Size Meals include Super Size French Fries, Super Size Salad, Super Size Soft Drink and Super Size Dessert):

Breakfast
3 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, Super Size Egg McSteven (they created this one just for me; there never were any Super Size breakfast items).

Lunch
6 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, Super Size McRib with the works

Dinner
3 oz. Slimming Touch Tonic, Super Size Big Mac (had to do this at least once), Super Size Strawberry Tripple Thick Shake

Night Cap
Bottle of Tzwika (Dr. Otix, while normally a teetotaler, felt we should celebrate the first day of shooting with his favorite Romanian liquor)

Side by Side:

My Weight: 639 lbs
Baby Mountain Spruce: 1000 lbs