Holiday Tidings from the L.A.S.D.

Image of the Day: Chuck Norris R.I.P. (March 10th, 1940-December 27th, 2008)

The following has been posted by The Unofficial Steven Seagal Website by permission of the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department in connection with the murder of Chuck Norris, a.k.a. The Angel of Pain, a.k.a Your Worst Nightmare, a.k.a. The Beard, precise cause of death unknown, time of death estimated to be between 2 and 4 a.m. Saturday morning, December 27th, 2008, autopsy pending.

From: Britt Pierceman, MD, Chief Coroner, L.A.S.D. Coroner's Office
To: Montclair Pitney, Chief Assistant District Attorney, LA County DA's Office
cc: www.celebrityfatasses.com, www.stevenseagal.com, www.stevenseagaldiets.com, www.celebrityhasbeens.com, www.fattubsofshit.com, www.titojackson.com, www.jewishactionstarsoflowrepute.com, www.garybuseytribute.com, www.iamnotericroberts.com
Re: Shmuel Siegal, a.k.a. Steven Seagal

Dear Montclair,

You asked for my opinion on the likely cause of death of Mr. Norris, and though it isn't pretty, I'll have to stick with my original hypothesis, i.e. that Mr. Norris was in fact consumed by Mr. Siegal at sometime between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m. on Saturday, December 27th, 2008. While it is still not known how Mr. Siegal persuaded Mr. Norris into his Fisher & Paykel walk-in freezer and from there directly into his pizza oven, there is no doubt, based on the condition of the body found inside the suspect's stomach, that Mr. Norris was swallowed whole and slowly digested over the course of the following two days. What is particularly disturbing is that the suspect didn't even bother to disrobe his victim, swallowing among other things, Mr. Norris's Durango boots, Wrangler's, bolo, beard and jade belt buckle. I believe that the significant amounts of Heinz 57 steak sauce discovered in Mr. Siegal's gastrointestinal cavity days after the fact reveal that Mr. Norris was swallowed after being forced to ingest a large amount of the above-mentioned condiment on the suspect's assumption that it would be released into his bloodstream over time, giving a better flavor. I guess that's about it. I'm sorry if I can't give you more at this time, but as you know, Mr. Siegal's lawyer, Myron Beas, is being fairly uncooperative. Needless to say, this one will carry on through the new year. In fairness to Mr. Siegal, who has certainly had a rough time of it, I thought I'd add that he claims he's innocent. He also asked me to pass on the message to the various websites listed above that the dieting website (www.stevenseagaldiets.com) is a hoax. He seems to feel that they've been repeatedly, and purposely, underreporting his actual weight, which he says is currently 1238 lbs.

Thanks for your patience and have a great new year,

Britt

Brunch with Norris

Image of the Day: One Pound To Go!

Have had a very relaxing week with Chuck on the ranch. What a monkey Chuck is! Always climbing on this or rolling off that, slapping, kicking, making muscles, etc. And I'd never figured Chuck for a fan of piggybacks, but he is. He just loves them, which is a big plus with Tito Jackson around, a big fan of piggybacks himself.

Anyway, after a late Monday night dinner of scallop piccatta and spear-roasted boar, which Chuck himself cooked, Chuck agreed to stay on for Christmas dinner. I have to admit I was flattered, but haven't mentioned anything about this to Chuck. So far, playing it cool. Though I was little hurt to find that Chuck has taken to calling me 'piggy boy' both to my face and to my bearers and house staff. I suppose it's nothing to take personally, but with Chuck at a svelte 185 lbs. (bearded), I've begun to re-think my eating strategy, particularly my edibles budget, which in these days of recession has been hit hard like everybody else's. Basically, my piggery is costing me. I've already had to let go two bearers, and this just days before Christmas.

That's all for now. On my way to brunch with Chuck. I wish you all a very Merry and Caloric Christmas, and hope you'll tune in for a re-cap of my Christmas Dinner 2008 (with Chuck Norris).

My weight: 999 lbs.

2 very very fat men giving Chuck Norris a piggyback: 999 lbs.

Seagal Fat Counter 1000: 1 lb.

Stunning Last-Minute Testimony Saves Temecula Winery Owner With Food Addiction from Prison Time in Kisinov

Image of the Day: Gavin McFews, Christmas Dinner in Tipperary, 2007

This one speaks for itself, though I think the Pelly Crossing Banner, the Yukon Territory's leading paper, could have written "former action star" or "Hollywood bad boy." Anyway, at least they got the story right. In brief, my caterer (and close friend) on my last two projects, Gavin McFews, came to my rescue in a heated courtroom moment in Kisinov at the end of five days of poignant testimony from various former employees. Bix Cheevey, my stunt double and forklift operator on my last five projects, had accused me of "repeatedly making him look like a sissy on screen" and then "rolling over his shins in a fit of pique." And if it hadn't been for Gavin, who had witnessed the episode, I might have been looking at hard time in Moldova, where I do all my shooting these days because it's a hell of a lot more picturesque than Khanewal. What Gavin told the jury (with typical Irish pithiness), and what in fact happened, is that I "threatened to roll over Mr. Cheevey but, of course, never did. If Mr. Seagal had rolled over Mr. Cheevey, there is no doubt in my mind that Mr. Cheevey would not be alive today. The fact that Mr. Cheevey is alive today, therefore, precludes the possibility that such an attack ever took place. Mr. Seagal was aggravated by Mr. Cheevey's constant pestering, and he'd gained five pounds that day, so I think he was probably just upset. It should also be mentioned that Mr. Seagal had been counting on a celebrity endorsement from Siegal Diet Cookies that did not unfortunately come through. In short, my official judgment as Mr. Seagal's caterer is that Mr. Seagal had had a bad hair day, and threatened to roll over but did not actually roll over Mr. Cheevey, who is currently alive and therefore was not and could not have been rolled over."

100 KFC Family Buckets of Chi to Gavin in Kisinov! . . . Thanks, pal.
Otherwise, everything is fine. Just getting the house ready for Chuck's visit on Monday, and preparing for my Christmas feast.


My Weight: 998 lbs.
Seagal Fat Counter 1000: 2 lbs.

Snubbed by Michael Dudikoff

Image of the Day: Norris

Not too much to report. Just preparing for my annual Christmas dinner at the ranch. Did receive a few nice Christmas cards earlier in the week, from Doodie Costner, Wesley Snipes and Manuel Uribe, among others. Chuck Norris has officially accepted my dinner invitation. A bit nervous about that. Chuck, while he is the picture of cool on the screen, has a Pabst habit, and has been known to challenge celebrity hosts to no-holds-barred slap fights when he's in his cups. I would hate to roll on him. We'll see anyway. I've invited Chuck for a Monday dinner, the inauguration of my Christmas festivities, which will carry on throughout the week with open buffets, Buddhist snack bars, group and personal feasts, karaoke caroling, pizza bobbing and hot air ballooning, at the conclusion of which I will devour a pâté crèche.

The only bad news this week is that I was snubbed by Michael Dudikoff at the Jelly Belly Outlet in Modesto. Mike, who I've always been close to, called me the 'fattest Seagal impersonator' he'd ever seen and 'a raggedy-assed forklifting muthafucka', and proceeded to pelt me with piña colada jellybeans, which he knows I'm allergic to. The fact that he even knew about my forklift is suspicious since it's been disguised as a Mardi Gras float for the past month or so. I've dropped the slander suit, on the advice of Tito Jackson, and am currently pursuing a Jelly Belly plug (the store assistants maintained an air of indifference during the assault that could only be described as criminal negligence).

Anyway, enough kvetching. I'm off to Temecula to check on my vines.

Seasons Greetings,

Sensei

My weight: 997 1/2 lbs.

Seagal Fat Counter 1000: 2 1/2 lbs.

Lard Mogul Rumors Actually True

Image of the Day: Lard Eaters

At least the Wall Street Journal finally got something right. Their 'Celebrity Importers of Note' panel yesterday was, just this once, mostly accurate. I have (and will be for the foreseeable future) the biggest importer of artisanally manufactured palm lard in the western hemisphere. Though I was very unhappy about the way they phrased it and am currently seeking legal recourse.

"Seagal, who is now the size of the western hemisphere, is currently the biggest name in the palm lard market in Colombo."

Otherwise, feeling . . . how can I say this? . . . comfortably bloated? It just never occurred to me that I would ever get totally accustomed to my permanently and ever-increasingly bloated shape, but now it's almost second nature. It's almost like there's a whole extra reservoir of chi and good vibrations buzzing under my insulating fat, a whole other man.

And, just thought I'd mention this before A&E blows it out of all proportion, but Chuck Norris sent me a Christmas card yesterday. I have to admit I was baffled at first, and suspicious, but it seems to be sincere. Chuck has even agreed to plug Bayou Buffet on his new show, "Norris", which will have its premiere on Trenton State TV at 3 a.m. on New Year's morning after "The Sound of Music II".

My weight: 996 lbs.

Seagal Fat Counter 1000: 4 lbs.!

Advanced Praise for Bayou Buffet

Image of the Day: Ruby "No Nose" Beaujolais

I was on a cotton-candy high all yesterday afternoon after the reviews for my latest album, Bayou Buffet, came pouring in. The fax machine was just ablaze with positive notices. And I just want to say here that I couldn't have done it without my drummer, Ruby "No Nose" Beaujolais. The decision to downsize the band to a two-man ensemble was made on the recommendation of my sound man, Ivy 4. The intimate bayou sound I was after wouldn't have been possible without it. The recording studio on Los Alpas Boulevard where I've recorded all my hits also has a 10-man occupancy limit. Anyway, here's what the critics have to say:

"Saddle up your fat and leave your nose at home! This high-energy tribute to gut-bucket, back-porch Cajun blues almost sounds like [that] music."

Ky Nance, Kirkus Review

"With hits like 'Profiterole Blues' and 'Bayou Chowdown', Seagal redefines the blues while making it accessible to a growing audience of food addicts."

Jennifer Oakland, Country Gourmet

"One song in particular made me vomit . . . almost."

Ray DeSota, Slapdance Magazine [I've since talked to Ray and he said he's going to change that to 'gag with joy'.]

"If you've ever had any doubts that Seagal could play the guitar, just put on Bayou Buffet and they will crawl out of your head, jump on your back and beat you over the head like a concrete mixer."

Jeanine Mack, Reverb

"This man is a legend in his own times."

Ladja Modechenko, The Moldovan Times

"Awesome fretwork on 'No Nose, No Nonsense'. You play as well as B.B. King."

Anonymous French Commenter on the Losers of All Ages who Comment on Youtube Videos Forum

Was so happy with my success, No Nose and I had a bayou buffet of our own courtesy of Cajun Gene's on Los Alpas. And for all you Buddhist gourmands out there, Cajun Gene does a wonderful turkey neck brisket and the lemonade won't be beaten.

My weight: 995 lbs.

5 Bison Portable Cement Mixers: 1,230 lbs.

Seagal Fat Counter 1000: 5 lbs.

Heavy Praise from the People's Republic

Image of the Day: "The Seagal Effect"

Can't say something like this happens twice in a lifetime. On Friday December 5th, Minister of Finance of the People's Republic of China, Xie Xuren, publicly referred to the current downward spiral in the US economy as "The Seagal Effect". Needless to say, he was talking about my phoenix-like resiliency and determination in the face of impossible obstacles and not my weight, which has seen only steady increases in the past 10 or so years. If only Alan Greenspan could say the same thing!

Seeing that I've just about hit the 1,000-lb mark, I've decided to include a new item on the blog called the Seagal Fat Counter 1000. The Seagal Fat Counter 1000 will feature daily the number of pounds needed to propel me over the long-awaited half-ton mark. If I hit the mark before Christmas (which seems likely), I will postpone worldwide announcement of my achievement until Chinese New Year 2009, which falls on the 26th of January, when I'm scheduled to take on Ming Xuan of Zhejiang Province for the international double-battered algae eating record.

My weight: 992 lbs.

Alan Greenspan, Xie Xuren and the rest of the Chinese Cabinet: 1,550 lbs.

Seagal Fat Counter 1000: 8 lbs.