I was on a cotton-candy high all yesterday afternoon after the reviews for my latest album, Bayou Buffet, came pouring in. The fax machine was just ablaze with positive notices. And I just want to say here that I couldn't have done it without my drummer, Ruby "No Nose" Beaujolais. The decision to downsize the band to a two-man ensemble was made on the recommendation of my sound man, Ivy 4. The intimate bayou sound I was after wouldn't have been possible without it. The recording studio on Los Alpas Boulevard where I've recorded all my hits also has a 10-man occupancy limit. Anyway, here's what the critics have to say:
"Saddle up your fat and leave your nose at home! This high-energy tribute to gut-bucket, back-porch Cajun blues almost sounds like [that] music."
Ky Nance, Kirkus Review
"With hits like 'Profiterole Blues' and 'Bayou Chowdown', Seagal redefines the blues while making it accessible to a growing audience of food addicts."
Jennifer Oakland, Country Gourmet
"One song in particular made me vomit . . . almost."
Ray DeSota, Slapdance Magazine [I've since talked to Ray and he said he's going to change that to 'gag with joy'.]
"If you've ever had any doubts that Seagal could play the guitar, just put on Bayou Buffet and they will crawl out of your head, jump on your back and beat you over the head like a concrete mixer."
Jeanine Mack, Reverb
"This man is a legend in his own times."
Ladja Modechenko, The Moldovan Times
"Awesome fretwork on 'No Nose, No Nonsense'. You play as well as B.B. King."
Anonymous French Commenter on the Losers of All Ages who Comment on Youtube Videos Forum
Was so happy with my success, No Nose and I had a bayou buffet of our own courtesy of Cajun Gene's on Los Alpas. And for all you Buddhist gourmands out there, Cajun Gene does a wonderful turkey neck brisket and the lemonade won't be beaten.
My weight: 995 lbs.
5 Bison Portable Cement Mixers: 1,230 lbs.
Seagal Fat Counter 1000: 5 lbs.