Thanksgiving Dinner 2008

Image of the Day: Greetings From Team Seagal

One of the pleasures of diet blogging is having the opportunity to invite my fans into my kitchen on a daily basis. It's not just a matter of fatty this or fatty that, a binge here or an enema there, the petting zoos eaten or not eaten, or the tips I've offered you over the months for sustained weight gain, the gas, the broken scales, the industrial pig feed . . .  it's a karmic bond -- I hope you understand this. Simply, it brings me joy to take you on my journey through obesity. 

Apropos of this, I've gotten a startling number of requests to share my Thanksgiving Dinner 2008 with you, and after nearly a day of meditating on the matter, I've decided to do it. I have to admit this was a tough decision. There are many out there (Chuck Norris comes to mind) who would criticize me for it. This IS a diet blog after all. But if I've learned anything from the roller coaster ride of high-profile celebrity dieting, it's that it's the fans that count in the end, not the gluttony. 

My Thanksgiving Dinner 2008 (Team Seagal, all rights reserved):

Iced Gulf Shrimp

Crab Meat Salad

Smoked Salmon with Fresh Dill Garnish

Tri-Colori Pasta Salad

Ambrosia Salad

Spinach Salad

Caesar Salad

Cheese Mirror

Deviled Egg Platter

Crab Rangoon

Pupu Platter

Caramelized 5-Onion Soup with Gruyere Crostini

Italian Bean Soup

Gefilte Fish

Fondu for 8

Roast Native Turkey with Giblet Gravy

Braised New Rabbit

Molasses and Pineapple Lacquered Pit Ham with Assorted Mustards

Salmon Side Wrapped in Puff Pastry 

Grilled Petite Sirloin with Wild Mushroom and Port Wine Demi

Stewed Pheasant

Oysters Rockerfeller

Chicken Peppercorn

Manicotti

Stuffed Pork

Baked Haddock

Shish Kebab

Carved Roast Sirloin of Beef

Cornbread Stuffing

Rustic Stuffing

Pine Nut, Wild Sage and Raisin Stuffing 

Chestnut Stuffing

Parmesan Stuffing

Chocolate Stuffing  

Vanilla Stuffing

Strawberry Stuffing

Couch Stuffing

Candied Yams

Un-candied yams

Assorted Candies

Brioche and Chorizo-stuffed Cornbread

Battered Cornbread

Batter

Butternut Squash

Acorn Squash

Mixed Seasonal Squashes

Pumpkin

Whipped Potatoes

Potatoes au Gratin

Gratin

Butternut Puree

Cardamom and Ginger Scented Turnip Puree

Cranberry Orange Relish and Pan Gravy

4 Pints Ben and Gerry's Wavy Gravy

Glazed Baby Carrots

Buttered Corn

Bavarian Coleslaw

Roasted Corn and Black Bean Salad 

Creamed Onions 

Cape Cod Cranberry Sauce

Baked Pumpkin and Banana Breads

Crusty Rolls

Wood-Pressed Apple Cider

Wood Press

Apple Pie

Pumpkin Pie

Lemon Chantilly

Chocolate Ganache Cake

Selection of Mini Pastries 

Local Artesian Cheeses

Fruit and Melon Platter with Wild Local Berries

Hummus

Baba Ghanoush

Mixed Pickles

Various Condiments

My Bookie

2 Quarts Old Grand Dad

1 Box Rice Crispies

2 Bags Mallomars

1 Jar Aspirin

Dishwashing Gloves

Can Opener

Front Lawn

After Dinner Mint

My Weight: 986 lbs.

Caribe Royale Orlando Carving Station: 500 lbs.

   

Celebrity Bloating: A Personal Critique

Image of the Day: Val Kilmer, Bloated 

I have mixed feelings about the Celebrity Bloating article forwarded to me by Tito Jackson yesterday. One the one hand, I feel that there is much to gain from a close reading. The introduction itself speaks volumes for the sanity and thoughtfulness the author(s) bring to a much misunderstood issue. "There is nothing more disheartening than starting the week feeling limber and lithe, and ending it feeling like a bloated whale. Both men and women are prone to sudden weight gain and for most, IT'S NOT DUE TO A FAST FOOD FRENZY." And, in the following paragraph, a chief culprit for bloating is rightly identified as 'breathing too much air, which can leave even the most toned of tummies looking rotund," a problem I've always had. 

Unfortunately, the misinformation that follows reveals that the author has no real experience with Chronic Gas Suppression or the Chronic Gas Suppression Cycle, or what it's like to suffer from its effects. 

For one, anyone who's been diagnosed with CGS (a hitherto rare but growing community among celebrities and non-celebrities alike) knows that "drinking too much soda" doesn't really have anything to do with chronic bloating. This is more or less an urban legend (i.e. Bobby the Bad Boy who drank a case of Mr. Pibb and exploded). The second culprit according to the Celebrity Bloating experts, "you're a lazy fat pig," is not only demeaning to those of us who would potentially fit this medical category (if it existed), but also just patently incorrect. My being lazy has nothing to do with my gas suppression. I wish it did, but it just isn't the truth.

Third, and the worst in my book, is a predilection for "gassy foods", which is hoodoo plain and simple. Among the "gassy foods" listed are: cabbage, legumes, onions, prunes, coffee cakes, extra cheese pizzas, dark beer and all fried and fatty foods. I have just about proven (through long-term rigorous testing) that fried and fatty foods have nothing to do with my bloating. Why do I bloat when I'm collecting pebbles for my Buddhist Pebble Garden then? Why am I disturbingly gassy during my twice-daily meditation sessions? Or when I'm merely focusing on or thinking about fried fatty foods. The answer is that the author has obviously ignored the psychological and karmic factors of gassiness.

Basically, I'm just fed up with being just another 'bloated celebrity'. According to the real experts, the pneumaticians at the CGS clinics in Malibu, at least 10% of my 900 and some odd pounds is demonstrably gas, a condition I'm likely to suffer from until I am either popped (not likely) or explode (impossible). Another downside to CGS is that as the body becomes more bloated, the fat cells multiply, why I don't know. So, sad to say, in theory at least I'm doomed to Cyclical Bloating-Induced Self-Proliferating Adipose, CYBISPA, an illness with no known cure.

My weight: 982 lbs.

My gas: 98.2 lbs.  

STEVEN SEAGAL: LOUISIANA LAWMAN NOW FAT COP

Image of the Day: "Fat Cop" Groupie

I'd never really trusted the A&E people and, as things have turned out, my Buddhist intuition was right on target. My reality show Steven Seagal: Louisiana Lawman, set to air in 2009, is now FAT COP.  Won't even comment on the weightism here. I just want to say that I'm a little disappointed in the Jefferson Parish County Sheriff's Office, who approved this decision. And this after I volunteered my 8-man cart for Hurricane Katrina catering efforts in 2005, to mention nothing of all the donut tabs I picked up in the Big Easy. A&E seems to feel that nixing my name will be good for publicity. I don't really know where this is going but I have reason to believe that the show's gimmick (the fact that I would be the only fully commissioned deputy in Jefferson Parish making arrests on a steamroller) will lose its appeal if I'm merely 'chuckling over the CB at the local Krispy Kreme', the basic premise of Fat Cop. Will have to have a chat with Patrick Swayze (who got to name HIS new show).

Feeling gassy and depressed.

My weight: 980 lbs. 

Floating in Morro Bay

Image of the Day: Lindstromer One-Man Multi-Purpose Beach Float

Had an excellent day at the beach yesterday courtesy of The Lindstromer One-Man Multi-Purpose Beach Float. In case you didn't know, what separates a Lindstromer from the other heavy-duty, one-man beach floats on the market is their patented triple-coated anodized platinum pump nozzle, eighteen of them located in various positions on the Lindstromer's undersurface. If one or two, or even fifteen, nozzles break due to rough weather or an aggressive tide, you're safe. The only problem you might run into is that because of the Lindstromer's ample volume (it's by far the biggest one-man float on the market), you might easily be mistaken for a whale pup gone astray, or a UFO, when you're floating out past the buoys, which is just what happened to me, but not for a whale pup. The Morro Bay Beach Patrol thought I was a Russian weather satellite crash landed in the Pacific of all things! We had a good laugh about that over a Pizza Hut and a bottle of Seagal Merlot-Pinotage Reserve.

Otherwise, doing well. I think all this litigation, slander and gossip has just fueled my chi. I no longer desire to be loved. I no longer feel consumed by remorse for my shortcomings. And, most importantly, I no longer hold Jean-Claude Van Damme accountable for the dreadful things he said about me in a recent interview he gave on Celebrity Has-Beens. The fact is, I feel as light as a pancake.  

My weight: 978 lbs.

Bottles of Seaco Sun Tan Lotion required to coat my body: 18

Seagal Cellars Open For Business in Temecula

Image of the Day: Bacchus Reclining (Helmut Newton, 2001)

Just wanted to let you, my closest fans and supporters, know that the long-awaited Seagal Cellars in Temecula is officially open and off to an amazing start. I chose the image above (taken by Helmut Newton in my svelter days) for the Seagal Shiraz Reserve. Bottles of Seagal Zinfandel 2002, Seagal Merlot-Pinotage 2004 and Chateau de Seagal Cabernet '86 will feature other favorite poses chosen by my fans and will vary by the harvest. 

But don't take my word for my early success, listen to what my guests have had to say:

"We really enjoyed our wine tour -- informative, leisurely and well paced (Mr. Seagal really knows how to get around on his forklift). Our patio tasting experience was the best thing though, a comfortably elegant area and heaping platters of fruits, cheeses and chi. All in all, a beautiful addition to our stay at the Best Western. The only advice I'd give Mr. Seagal is not to serve gyros with pinot grigios, and not to eat in front of his guests, as he has a tendency to overindulge."

Michael Flann, address withheld

"I would just like to say 'thank you' to the crew at Seagal Cellars. Our wine server, Mr. Seagal himself, gave us some outstanding information on cured ham and suggested finger foods I wouldn't have otherwise thought to experiment with. I even tried a battered bacon ring Mr. Seagal had fried himself. In light of all this, I would hate to suggest that we had anything but the perfect visit, but when Mr. Seagal asked me and my husband (and several of the other guests) to take his utility van and bring back what seemed an impossible order from the Hardees in Temecula, I was a little annoyed. He said he couldn't drive his forklift off the winery grounds, which I believe, but I don't think this is appropriate behavior for a host."

Anne Reading, Sacramento

"Our server at the Tasting Bar, a shockingly nimble Mr. Seagal, was quite helpful and quite professional. His wine suggestions were right on the money. Mr. Seagal, I also have to say, was looking his best, and had obviously dropped a few pounds, does not wear a wig, eat like a pig or use a forklift for a means of personal conveyance. Really enjoyed the visit, and didn't have any problem driving Mr. Seagal's utility van to Temecula for a Hardees pick-up."

Nevets Lagees, address withheld

My Weight: 976 lbs.

Seagal Cellars Wine Tasting Bar, including stools: 1,560 lbs.

I DID NOT Eat My Petting Zoo

Image of the Day: Dinnertime in Bangkok

"Not only humans but also animals are within the scope of Mr. Seagal's eating habits." 

This quote, brought to my attention over the weekend by Simpuk, appeared a few days ago in the Celebrity Fat Asses Hall of Shame. Based obviously on allegations that I, and not Manuel Uribe, ate my petting zoo, it strikes at the heart of who I am. It also fails to acknowledge my outspoken activism with PETA against the fur trade, my work with the former Prime Minister of India to seek increased legal protection for cows, and the South Africa-Japan baby elephant export accords, which I personally supervised. In brief, my unprecedented weight gain may be the subject of gossip and slander, but my animal activism is off limits and above reproach.

My weight: 975 lbs., but this must be wrong

A baby elephant (on average): 185 lbs. 

My weight in baby elephants: 5.25 baby elephants

SEAGAL/FAT MAN DISAMBIGUATION

Image of the Day: The Original Fat Man

Have been getting way too many 'Fat Man' hits from WWII enthusiasts lately and my technical advisor, Lee Stebbins, thought I might as well disambiguate. The following is my official statement:

"Fat Man" was the code name for the atomic weapon dropped on Nagasaki on August 9th, 1945. It was also called "Large Boy", "Fat Boy", "Fat Ass", "Atomic Lard", "Little Boy's Corpulent Cousin", "The Buddhist Sunrise" and, by the Japanese, "One Fat Motherfucka" (which may explain some of the confusion). The explosion it created was equal to the force of 21 Kilotons. But it DOES NOT refer to, have any bearing on, serve as a synonym for or alias of, an obese martial artist named Steven Seagal.

I just hope Wikipedia will straighten this out as soon as possible. For further information on STEVEN SEAGAL/FAT MAN disambiguation, please contact my unofficial website.

My weight: 965 lbs.

Fat Man Atomic Bomb: 10,200 lbs.

Dead Proteges

Image of the Day: Craig Dunn, Missing Since "Exit Wounds"

This has been a trying day made worse by the fact that when I was preparing my Thanksgiving list after dinner, I realized that 10 of my top proteges had passed on prematurely, are presumed dead or are in prison. I suppose this post will be more of a eulogy than a Thanksgiving list.

Harou Matsuoko: 2001, intestinal irregularities

Craig Dunn: Missing since "Exit Wounds"

George Gonzales (my former body double): 2001, heart failure/obesity

Shawn Ravens (my uke/partner): 1999, cardiac arrest

Mino Osaka Sensei (macrobiotics/weapons): 2005, harassment

Binih Dang (my former producer): Sing Sing, life

Larry Renosa (estranged): 2003, terminal bulimia

Eliot Freeman (studied with me in St. Louis): Leavenworth, 4 to 10

Glen Odle (Chuck Norris' stuntman and a close friend): 2007, nirvana/tax issues

Jamie Calderon (former student): Missing from 1998-2007; 2008, steamed buns

My weight: 963 lbs.

All my former proteges: 2018 lbs.

FAKE Seagal Photo on Lebanese Fast Food Forum

Image of the Day: Not Me

Don't really need to comment on this one. Obviously a doctored image. I'm not even sure what they were thinking. As anybody who's ever eaten with me before knows, I never wear helmets to the table, it's bad chi, and that hamburger is a shoddy photo shop job.

Couldn't weigh myself yesterday because the weigh station broke.   

CORRECTION: Steven Seagal $198.23 Extended Stay America Buffet Tab A Gross Exaggeration

Image of the Day: My Actual Extended Stay America Buffet Tab

I hate to be a nitpicker but I want to point out that the recent statement on Celebrity Fat Asses (which I did NOT appear on) was a gross exaggeration. My tab at the Extended Stay America buffet on Guadalupe St. in Austin, TX was not $198.23 but $97.66. I've actually included the receipt, above, on my lawyer's advice. And I did not "close out the restaurant, what a fat pig," as Chowmag reported. Or "eat myself into a Buddhist coma" (Clean Eating, November 13th Issue). What I did consume was the largest number of beef patties smothered in Velveeta in the shortest period of time in Texas history. This was more or less a bet, don't forget, and I've never been one to turn down a fast buck. A few interesting statistics:

Total calories: 19,495

Total eaters: 1

Most patties eaten by one person: 52

Most bags of french fries eaten by one person: 7

Most squeeze bottles of Heinz 57 Steak Sauce consumed: 4

Minimum number of bathroom visits: 2

Time to finish: under an hour

Vomit: 0

I should also add, because no one mentioned anything about this, that I didn't ask for the used skillets of peanut lard, the Extended Stay crew threw those in gratis.

My weight: 961 lbs.

A Sumatran rhinoceros: 1765 lbs.

Orchid Pest

Image of the Day: Abusive Pests?

Was annoyed to see that both I and my panda have been banned from RVO's Orchid Talk Forum, orchid growing being one of my oldest hobbies. You tell me who's the 'abusive pest with a habit of instigating pointless conversations bearing no relation to the subject of orchid growing in the broadest sense.'

Steven Seagal: "Coming down to the line... 6 hours..... haven't cheated most of the day..... Even ate fresh fruit instead of pie yesterday..... Or will I break down and go for the pint of Cookies & Cream or Double Dutch Fudge?..............Oh dear."

Dan Lim: "Hang in there Steven, it's all about long lasting satisfaction with the orchids as opposed to an immediate one with the Double Dutch Fudge. Just picture yourself fiddling with a blooming size orchid, not eating its petals. And keep your hands off the processed foods!"

Anonymous: "Tubby."

Seagal: "Tubby?"

Anonymous: "Tubby tubby fatty tubby!"

Lim: "I think perhaps you misunderstood what I was trying to say . . ."

Veedar: "He's always talking about food . . . Isn't this an orchid forum?"

Lim: "I just meant the double fudge analogy."

Oliphant Rex: "'Don't eat the petals, Steven?'"

Seagal: "I typically combine gardening with dieting, that's all. I would never eat my orchids."

Anonymous: "You suck, Seagal."

Lim: "Let's get back on track. I think the original subject was late-blooming tubers."

Anonymous: "You suck, Seagal."

Veedar: "He does suck."

Seagal: "Bitch, I didn't hear that!"

Anonymous: "You're a fat sack of shit and I could kick your ass with a bag of Cheetos."

Veedar: "If he didn't eat 'em first. . . "

Anonymous: "If he didn't eat me first . . ."

Seagal: "Just say it again . . ."

Anonymous: "That you're a fat tub of tubby shit?"

Seagal: "Jesus, why are you persecuting me?!?"

Veedar: "Ha ha ha ha...."

Anonymous: "Tubby."

My weight: 956 lbs.

My left buttock: 130 lbs.

SUPER SIZED SEAGAL LOOTS KENNY ROGERS FRIED CHICKEN IN MONDALE, KY

Image of the Day: The Shakur Estate, Detroit, Michigan 2002

Ok, after the STEVEN SEAGAL IS A FAT TUB OF SHIT hoax, this is a bit much. First of all, Kenny Rogers Fried Chicken doesn't even exist anymore, so the joker who started this rumor needs to enter the 21st century. Second, Kenny Rogers and I are good friends and have been since we did Islands in the Stream together for the Tupac Shakur Walk on Watts-Willowbrook Memorial Album audition. Third, the idea that I would "enter the store in ninja fashion" is preposterous since I can't "enter" anywhere on two feet these days. And even if I had entered the store in ninja fashion, would I have then "waited nervously, almost drenched in saliva" for the manager to "empty out the walk-in freezer"? I feel that I'm being targeted here due to my much publicized philanthropic leanings. In my hot-headed days, I would have tracked this asshole down and taken care of him (don't forget I have mafia connections). Now that I'm more or less confined to rolling as a means of conveyance, they assume I'll take it lying down. All I can say is, Bad chi is coming. Lock your doors and pray for a quiet death, because when I roll over you, baby, you'll feel it. 

My weight: 954 lbs.

Tupac Shakur's illegitimate children under the age of 16 (in the continental US): 999 lbs.   

Steven Seagal is a Fat Tub Of Shit Chain Letter a Hoax

Image of the Day: Fat Tub of Shit?

As many of you know, a chain letter featuring a heavily doctored photo of me and the words STEVEN SEAGAL IS A FAT TUB OF SHIT has been circulating on the web. This is a hoax. I repeat, STEVEN SEAGAL IS A FAT TUB OF SHIT CHAIN LETTER IS A HOAX. If you should receive any e-mail with STEVEN SEAGAL IS A FAT TUB OF SHIT or  SEAGAL, FAT TUB OF SHIT?, or SEAGAL SHIT TUB, FAT TUB OF SEAGAL, TUB OF SEAGAL SHIT, FAT SHIT SEAGAL TUB, TUB OF FAT SHIT SEAGAL, SEAGAL SHIT TUB FAT, report it immediately to my unofficial website. 

Thanks for your continued support,

Sensei

My weight: 953 lbs.

Recent additions to the Kremlin: 1053 lbs.

Fat Man Walking

Image of the Day: Marlon Brando and Emmanuel Lewis in The Island Of Doctor Moreau (1996)

Was enraged to find this slash-and-burn character assassination in my mailbox yesterday morning. Apparently, Vanity Fair has given up on editorial standards. As for integrity, I won't even comment. The following excerpts are from their November 7th piece on me, Fat Man Walking.

"He's the biggest man in the room. And because of his size, and because he inherited from his salesman father a competitive streak as well as a knack for volume business, he is voracious in his appetites (steak and lobster and creamed spinach) and his desires to be loved."

First of all, I didn't order the creamed spinach. That was a mix-up, and our waiter apologized. The fact that I ate it has nothing to do with my 'appetites' but with my Buddhism. I abhor unnecessary wastage. 

"He sinks deeper into the couch, exhausted by his lies."

What couch? We were in a restaurant.

"There is only one question that Seagal will answer without reservation. He answered it the night before, at the steakhouse, underscoring every elaborately constructed sentence with a forkful of lobster meat . . ."

Obviously, I have never constructed elaborate sentences. In fact, I am known, and respected, for precisely the opposite.

"He swells up and starts shouting again."

This kills me. If Vanity Fair hadn't ordered me the surf-and-turf combo (they were testing me obviously), I wouldn't have swelled up. I'm allergic to crustaceans, as all my fans know.

"Steven Seagal looks the way a big man looks when he stands up for the first time in his life."

In fact, it was the first time in many months. I don't know how I managed this, but to receive incendiary jibes like this about such a sensitive issue is just hitting below the belt. I fell over anyway and was rolled out of the restaurant.

". . . beefy . . ."

Libel.

" . . . fat tub of shit . . ."

Ditto.

" . . . dubbing his lines even as he ate my dessert and his . . ."

How can I dub and eat at the same time? How can I eat when I'm swelling and shouting?

" . . . vying with Marlon Brando for the Tubby Oscar. He is the size of a statue of himself."

If they'd done their legwork, they'd know that I couldn't possibly be 'vying' with Brando since I surpassed his deathbed weight months ago.

I will be in touch with my lawyer.

My weight: 951 lbs.

Marlon Brando's weight in The Wild One, The Missouri Breaks and The Island of Doctor Moreau (combined) plus Val Kilmer: 975 lbs. tops 

Black Power

Image of the Day: Me and a Negro

Really shouldn't be honking away today. I've been unbelievably flatulent since Tuesday (Guatemalan chicken for 45, I suspect), but felt I should just let my fans and supporters know how happy I am to say that I'm a single American citizen today. 1000 lbs. of chi to Barack Obaba! I personally sent a gift box of chi to Mrs. Obaba and the little Obabas, as well as case of Lightning Bolt Energy Drink for the man himself, both tax-deductible. And let me also say that if the rumors circulating in Malibu prove true, you may be looking (see above) at the next Spiritual Advisor to the White House. Obaba 2008! 

My Weight: 949 lbs.

Barack Obaba's Chi: 1000 lbs. and rising!

  

Recognized Abroad

Image of the Day: Guatemalan Appreciation

Was very touched to see that I'm still thought of fondly in Guatemala City, where they've recently named a landfill after me. Being 1/16 Honduran (my stepfather's maternal grandfather was believed to have thought she was from Tegucigalpa) I've always felt a strong affinity for my little brown brothers to the south. I suppose I'll have to arrange a visit of some kind then. 

Below, I've decided to share with you one of my favorite Guatemalan recipes. But before I sign off, I want to clarify a recent entry on a very popular 'celebrity fat man' blog I won't name.  I was not 'sighted' trying to gain access to Ben Affleck's motorboat wrapped in a polar bear hide. And (obviously beside the point) Matt Damon did not 'taunt me with a ho ho' or 'steal my pony tail and then auction it on eBay for 1 penny'.

Recipe of the Day:

Guatemalan Fried Chicken

Ingredients: 

one 3-lb. chicken (I usually go for 6 hearty 5-pounders) cut into 8 (read 52) pieces

7 teaspoons ground cumin

4 teaspoons ground black pepper

Juice of 3 lemons

2 tablespoons lard

8 tablespoons vegetable oil

1 tablespoon clarified butter

4 tablespoons vegetable oil

1 tablespoon lard

3 cloves garlic

1 twinkie

8 tablespoons sea salt

2 bags cake flour

2 bags ground Nutter Butters

1 extra chicken 

Preparation:

Put everything in a very big wok and saute on low heat for approximately 45 minutes. Serves 45.

My Weight: 942 lbs.

4 Komodo Dragons: 800 lbs.

 

Mud Shrimp Excess

Image of the Day: Mud (shrimp in bottom left corner)

Didn't do much over the weekend other than sift through some stills from my Genghis musical. I haven't decided yet poster-wise whether I'm going to go for a battle pose or a meditative eagle pose, or even a tent feasting scene. Post-production is, thank god, going well, all except for Busey's scenes. Gary demanded to do all his lines in Imperial Prussian rather than Kalmyk and now (since he didn't specify anything about this in his will) my crew in Moldova is dubbing them over. I have decided to personally dub my lines myself.

Otherwise, very excited about a new diet recommended by a fellow obese Buddhist in Shreveport called Mud Shrimp Excess. Here is a brief extract from my stimulating correspondence with Gene Mills, inventor and CEO of Mud Shrimp Excess: 

"Steven, this is a phenomenal way to convert cravings for high-calorie fat makers into a nutritious stimulation of your primordial 'need' to bottomfeed. Mud shrimp, a.k.a solenocera koelbeli, are the Chinaman's secret to sustained sveltness. The key to Mud Shrimp Excess is to eat as many mud shrimp as you can for as long as you can . . . Of course, not all of us are willing to lie face down in mud for a meal, but in my experience this gets the best results. Thanks for the interest and good luck. And, remember, don't boil!"

I ordered a population of mud shrimp early this morning, should have the pond full by Wednesday.

My Weight: 941 lbs.

14 Chinamen in a canoe: 1040 lbs.